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tbs152
11/10/03, 10:49 AM
The words tremble,
Stucking, gripping the tip of her tongue.
Her hands grasp,
At the kitchen knive behind the small of her back.
She'll reel off one of these:
"Have a nice day dear,
dinner will be waiting when you get back"

Over wraught(overwraught),
Under appericated(under appericated)
She'll bleed you dry as her dreams
Since the day she said "i do"

Everyone calls her name
This and that.
Picket fence and a designer closet
A sip of aged merlot
Will help her hide it
She's just picking her day
One that wont be marked on the calander

Over wraught(overwraught),
Under appericated(under appericated)
She'll bleed you dry as her dreams
Since the day she said "i do"

Over wraught(overwraught),
Under appericated(under appericated)
She'll bleed you dry as her dreams
Since the day she said "i do"

Hello dear,
Theres no soccer games today
Hello dear,
Theres no carpool today
For today(today) is for you my dear (my dear)

A clear moonlit night
Bleeds through the skylight
Tainted by the smoke of her burned filet
Her apron is tinted a crimson red
The kids, lovingly tucked into bed
This is her farewell lullaby

Her farewell lullaby
Goodnight sweethearts
Her farewell lullaby
Dream beautiful dreams
Her farewell lullaby(x3)



let me know what you guys think
ForgetIt
11/10/03, 11:45 AM
yeah i really like those lyrics
thats something i would never think to write about but you did it great. Good luck with that one
IGuessItsOkay
11/10/03, 02:08 PM
personally, i don't think the blood and killing imagery work in this song...but that's my opinion
tbs152
11/27/03, 10:31 PM
to the top
takingbackrufio
11/28/03, 12:04 AM
Good, but quite violent.

Maybe hide the violence a little bit?
Driveitthrough
12/01/03, 09:18 AM
The first paragraph was amazing, but then I think you got a little too carried away with the whole violence thing. Good job with the use of imagery though. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.
tbs152
12/22/03, 11:56 PM
any more opinions????
popdisaster530
12/23/03, 06:38 AM
"Hello dear,
Theres no soccer games today
Hello dear,
Theres no carpool today
For today(today) is for you my dear (my dear)"

thats the only part i didn't like very much, but yea great song, very dark..
TheFallenScene
12/23/03, 08:56 AM
This may be one of the top songs that I have read on this forum. Your whole idea behind the song is completely original and I would have never thought of any of it. Just excellent work and keep it up.

10 Best, 5 Average, 1 Worse
SCENE POINTS - 10
tbs152
12/27/03, 12:57 PM
thanks for the reviews guys..... to the top
tbs152
12/30/03, 11:12 AM
to the top
saving face
12/30/03, 12:36 PM
i wouldnt take the violence out the song, its what makes it what it is. the style of the song is very macabre, and shocking. but this just makes it stand out! cool song
tbs152
01/01/04, 10:30 PM
to the top
tbs152
01/16/04, 01:34 PM
to the top
para ser libre
01/16/04, 03:29 PM
This may be one of the top songs that I have read on this forum. Your whole idea behind the song is completely original and I would have never thought of any of it. Just excellent work and keep it up.

10 Best, 5 Average, 1 Worse
SCENE POINTS - 10


----
tbs152
09/29/04, 10:01 PM
to the top for one last huu-rah
the_bmoc
09/30/04, 04:15 PM
Housewives commiting suicide? Wow i hate the 21st century...
tbs152
10/02/04, 11:40 AM
"she'll bleed you dry as her dreams..."
think about that the_bmoc
ItsInAMagazine
10/07/04, 08:16 AM
I can defintely see you like TBS... sorry.... not that people havent used similar lines before but if your as big of a fan of TBS as your names suggests my tip would be remove the small of the back thing.... plus brand new used it as well...

I dont remember your exact lines and im to lazy to look back at it so sorry if thas not 100% accurate..
kimosabe
10/07/04, 06:55 PM
yeah, i actually liked it. But it's clear to see a connection between the TBS part of your name, with the chorus so many times...could be cool in a song, but gets annoying in writing. also the "to the top" thing got really old. but the poem was good.
QueenOfTragedy
10/09/04, 10:32 PM
That was fucking beautifull. I bet it would sound awsome with music to it. It sounds like a great lullaby
pUnkKid174
12/11/04, 01:25 PM
"A clear moonlit night/Bleeds through the skylight/Tainted by the smoke of her burned filet/Her apron is tinted a crimson red/The kids, lovingly tucked into bed/This is her farewell lullaby" this i can say is probably the best, or at least my favourite, part of the whole song
the rest wasnt that good, it kind of dragged on
tbs152
02/19/06, 10:30 AM
new opinons welcome
OveriseFan
02/19/06, 11:06 AM
Stop bumping this. It's terrible.

For all you who say it's original, you must have a mental problem, sorry.

And for your information, The_Bmoc is David Mellilo, who's now signed to Drive-Thru. Might wanna take his advice. :wink:
OveriseFan
02/19/06, 11:07 AM
That being said, wish Dave would look at my work. haha.
OveriseFan
02/19/06, 11:07 AM
Edit: This piece is over a year old, AND YOURE STILL HAPPY WITH IT?

Dude, write something new.
tbs152
02/19/06, 03:08 PM
hey overise fan first i do have some new material posted. i do still like this work and am proud of it, also what happened to overise?
ArTkY_
02/19/06, 03:44 PM
It's not horrible James! I kinda like it! Although I don't think its as dark as people made it out to be. Dark, yes, but not Sitara dark. haha, braggy, I know, but i'm just so damn proud of ...Sitara.
OveriseFan
02/19/06, 06:20 PM
They're writing a full-length album right now.

I need to talk to those guys.

and Tariq, I still don't like it. But then again, I don't like your writing! OH SNAP! :wink: Jay Kay?