titleless... need feedback

[decisionpending]

i don't whether what i'm about to write is alright or just a piece of derivitive crap... please feedback would be great

so take a part, take a part of me
and when you leave it will remind you
of time when you still had
warm feelings in your soul
leave me cold and lifeless
on my bedroom floor
cause the piece you took
it was my heart
i wont need it anymore anyway
when youre gone
when youre gone...

the blood will become stagnant and rancid
it will not flow through my veins
so slit my wrists, i will not bleed
and you will not get a stain
the blood will become weak and transparent
it will not flow through my veins
so cut my throat, i will not cry
and you, my love, will never get a stain
cause we couldnt have that could we?
no we wouldnt have that would we?

so go... go find someone better than me, some who owns more things and someone who makes more money, go find someone who can play sports and who is smarter and who is better looking than me... go find someone, anyone, not me... and i'll just lay here on my bedroom floor thinking about you and dreaming about us and drinking to what we had, wallowing
in
my
own
despair...

i will never see a sunrise again
i will never see a sunrise...
i will not bleed, i will not cry
looking up to the heavens on my bedroom floor...

[decisionpending]

bumpity bumpity bumpin it uppity!!! you could also comment on the preceeding line cause that is brilliance!

[decisionpending]

i'm just gonna keep on bumpin until i get at least one reply... if you dont like it tell me why... just tell me something constructive, please :D

[BuriedAlive]

Originally posted by decisionpending
i don't whether what i'm about to write is alright or just a piece of derivitive crap... please feedback would be great

so take a part, take a part of me
and when you leave it will remind you
of time when you still had
warm feelings in your soul
leave me cold and lifeless
on my bedroom floor
cause the piece you took
it was my heart
i wont need it anymore anyway
when youre gone
when youre gone...

i dont really like the first verse. it kinda just stops it doesnt really flow. i dont know maybe its just me. i think it sets the wrong tempo for the rest of the song.