solid background

[missmatilde]

Solid background

Right when everything is under lenses,
Scrutinized by foreign senses
For our inadequacy and misdeeds,
We act even beyond their worst beliefs,
There’s no limit to the height of the pile…

Here some still build museums,
But most tear history down,
And populate asylums
For a shiny shopping mall.

And don’t point your fingers on the intoxicated heel,
Or on the aristocratic stadium, turned into an arena:
They may not picture everybody’s deeds,
But it’s more than a lack of charisma!

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

Few still do care for image,
But only as a façade:
Consciences took a pilgrimage,
And won’t be back any soon.

And don’t point your fingers on the intoxicated heel,
Or on the aristocratic stadium, turned into an arena:
They may not picture everybody’s deeds,
But it’s more than a lack of charisma!

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

It’s a common infection,
For which we know no cure,
We took the wrong direction,
And now we’re walking on a death route…
We cut open the section,
Hiding the tumour from plain view.

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

Let’s change the channel of the radio,
Let’s choose right at the next junction,
If we want a future, we’ve got to lighten the picture,
I’d even try with white crayons, if the sun radiations failed,
We can’t just sit and wait, enjoying the sight of the decay.

[missmatilde]

sorry, I know it's fairly long, and sorry for the messed up format... showed right in the preview, but when I posted was all one line... confused, but now it's right ;-)
thanks in advance for reading :-)

[Baby VenomVeins]

And don’t point your fingers, on the intoxicated heel,
Or on the aristocratic stadium, turned into an arena:
They may not picture, everybody’s deeds,
But it’s more than a lack of charisma!

I reallllllly like the assonance in that.
The whole thing sounds good to me. Very nice :]
There was one part that says "we've to" which should be "we've got to" I believe.

[missmatilde]

I reallllllly like the assonance in that.
The whole thing sounds good to me. Very nice :]
There was one part that says "we've to" which should be "we've got to" I believe.
thank you very much for your comment, I'm glad you liked it :-)
and there should be got, thanks, I'll fix ;-)

[matt_rawlings]

At points I think it can get a bit wordy and I find it hard to see it being sung to music, but this is a very well written piece and one of the best I have seen you post.
Easily one of the best newish writters around here

[missmatilde]

such comment by matt, not only made my day, but at least the whole month... :worship:
I recognize I'm wordy... any suggestion for that? 0:-)
again, thanks so much :biggrin:
oh, well, sorry but I wanted explore the forum's simleys ;-)

[bootsydan]

This is really good. One of the best I've seen from you I think.

I was going to go through and quote the bits I like. Then I realized I would be quoting most of the poem, so I didn't bother.

The only thing I can say I wasn't wrapped in was the first verse. And maybe the last couple of lines. But that's not to say those bits were bad. They were still pretty good as well.

Good work.

[missmatilde]

thanks much tim, I agree the ending could be better, but... I end up either nowhere or with a worst one if I try to change :-( I'm very happy you liked most of it :-)

[ArTkY_]

It’s a common infection,
For which we know no cure,
We took the wrong direction,
And now we’re walking on a death route…
We cut open the section,
Hiding the tumour from plain view.

Beautiful. I think this would fare better as a poem than a song. Good job. You've presented some great images and your descriptions are very good, yet unconventional.

[David Hazeel]

I really like this, particularly the piece quoted in the post above.

I think you've done a great job on this, there isn't I part I feel I can criticise in a way that wouldn't be clutching at straws.

[missmatilde]

wow... nearly to much niceness for me :-), kidding I'm really happy you guys liked it ;-)

tariq, I agree... but I never tried poems in eng, cause I don't think I know enough for that.. while italian doesnt work for me in lyrics... I know, I'm weird..
thanks so much for your sweet words :-D

[lew_1987]

i didn't like 'shiny shopping mall', and to be honest it seems like you've been sitting too close to a thesaurus at some points. this was pretty good though; some of the rhyming is good. you've improved a lot

[missmatilde]

i didn't like 'shiny shopping mall', and to be honest it seems like you've been sitting too close to a thesaurus at some points. this was pretty good though; some of the rhyming is good. you've improved a lot

thanks lew :-)

that verse comes actually from 'truth' as the town I went to school in really destroyed the first factory there (protected and so on) for a modern\'cool' mall, that in the end is most of the time empty... I guess it's not much creativty, I guess it's part of how I started writing this tho..:shrug:

any 'weird' word here is tot from being either of latin origin\immediate from italian.. no thes this time, as I wrote it all in a much long afternoon hiding away at a fam event (that's sneacky :-P)... that's makes it harder maybe to fix this, as I'm not always aware of which ones aren't usual in eng.. hopefully this summer I'll be back to the us for 3 months, not just a week like this sum :-D maybe that will help...

did I say that I love all you guys? thanks much for your comments :-D

[de la sympathie]

I really like this. I especially liked the last few lines, and the bit about the tumor.

The only issue I had was with some of the wording and grammar. But that's just me - don't worry about it, I get really thrown over things like that.

[Jaster]

Not bad.

Is this a poem?

[missmatilde]

I really like this. I especially liked the last few lines, and the bit about the tumor.

The only issue I had was with some of the wording and grammar. But that's just me - don't worry about it, I get really thrown over things like that.

thanks shauna, I'd be more than happy if yuo pointed them out, if you have timery. sorry for harrassing your language, I try not to, but... ;-)

[missmatilde]

Not bad.

Is this a poem?

wow, thanks...
it's a poem in the sense that it's not for a song, but I guess has the same 'form' of when I'm actually writing lyrics.. as I said I don't thing I can write poetry in eng...
thanks again :-)

[de la sympathie]

thanks shauna, I'd be more than happy if yuo pointed them out, if you have timery. sorry for harrassing your language, I try not to, but... ;-)

No problem! Just give me a moment. I'm sorry, did you tell me your name before? I'm really bad with names, so if you did already, I'm sorry.

[de la sympathie]

Really, pretty much everything is fine. There were just some things with odd placement of punctuation that I saw. In case you can't tell, some commas are bolded (along with the one misspelling I found). Correct me if anything was meant to be there!


Solid background

Right when everything is under lenses,
Scrutinized by foreign senses
For our inadequacy and misdeeds,
We act even beyond their worst beliefs,
There’s no limit to the eight of the pile…

Here some still build museums,
But most tear history down,
And populate asylums
For a shiny shopping mall.

And don’t point your fingers, on the intoxicated heel,
Or on the aristocratic stadium, turned into an arena:
They may not picture, everybody’s deeds,
But it’s more than a lack of charisma!

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

Few still do care for image,
But only as a façade, (could this be a hyphen? like - instead of the comma?)
Consciences took a pilgrimage,
And won’t be back any soon.

And don’t point your fingers, on the intoxicated heel,
Or on the aristocratic stadium, turned into an arena:
They may not picture, everybody’s deeds,
But it’s more than a lack of charisma!

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

It’s a common infection,
For which we know no cure,
We took the wrong direction,
And now we’re walking on a death route…
We cut open the section,
Hiding the tumour from plain view.

Costumes and acts are a prism of colours,
But our values make a solid background:
If they were beams of light, it would be black…

Let’s change the channel of the radio,
Let’s choose right at the next junction,
If we want a future, we’ve got to lighten the picture,
I’d even try with white crayons, if the sun radiations failed,
We can’t just sit and wait, enjoying the sight of the decay.

[missmatilde]

Really, pretty much everything is fine. There were just some things with odd placement of punctuation that I saw. In case you can't tell, some commas are bolded (along with the one misspelling I found). Correct me if anything was meant to be there!

fixed the spelling, and changed to:

Few still do care for image,
But only as a façade:
Consciences took a pilgrimage,
And won’t be back any soon.

would that work?

in the chorus the commas are for 'rhytm', I don't really know how to do that the right..

thanks very much for your help :-)
it's Matilde.. ;-)

[de la sympathie]

fixed the spelling, and changed to:

Few still do care for image,
But only as a façade:
Consciences took a pilgrimage,
And won’t be back any soon.

would that work?

in the chorus the commas are for 'rhytm', I don't really know how to do that the right..

thanks very much for your help :-)
it's Matilde.. ;-)

Yes, that works. And as to the commas, I don't think they're really necessary to keep up the rhythm. But that's just me.

Oh, haha, well THAT would make sense, now wouldn't it? I feel stupid. Hi, Matilde. :)

[missmatilde]

okay, no commas ;-) I'll change it. well, it's not THAT obvious, lol... noone ever thinks that's my name :-)

[CellarGhosts]

Good job, Matilde, I liked this. I don't think it's my favorite thing you've ever done, but regardless, it's a nice piece.

[missmatilde]

thanks Chris, now that you got caught around here you do have to post some of your stuff! ;-) kidding, but I'd missed you very much :blush:

[CellarGhosts]

haha, thanks, good to know I was missed. I might post some of my stuff soon, but so far everything I've written lately I really haven't been satisifed with enough or confident in enough to post. but I might get something up here before too long.