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View Full Version : My Two first songs, feedback please


foreverandaday
02/08/08, 01:36 PM
"There Was a Cat in a Tree..."

I hope you drop dead.
I want to see you suffer,
see your tears.

Don't tempt me baby,
I may just rip out that pretty fucking throat of yours.
And as you fade out of your pathetic little life,
I'll be the last thing you'll see.

Stop crying baby, they can't hear you.
They can't help you.
Accept your fate, and die by my hand.
-----

it's meant to be a hardcore song, so it's not very long.
This was my very first song.
and the name is a joke from my english class, you wouldn't get it.

-----

"Jersey Got Old Real Fast"

I’m digging myself a hole,
And it’s getting deeper by the minute.
I need to get out of this town.
I won’t even hesitate, just turn my back and run.

And while you’re at home missing me,
I’ll be starting a new life.
And when he breaks your heart,
You’ll have no one to go back to.
And when you’re contemplating your suicide,
I’ll be in love, enjoying my new life.

You thought it was a joke,
This is as serious as a heart attack.
I’ll be gone in the morning.
Maybe the west coast is what I need.
Plan, train, or car, it doesn’t matter,
I’ll be gone.

And while you’re at home missing me,
I’ll be starting a new life.
And when he breaks your heart,
You’ll have no one to go back to.
And when you’re contemplating your suicide,
I’ll be in love, enjoying my new life.

Go ahead babe, you can cry.
It’s your fault anyway.
Let it out; let the world see your feelings.
Your wrist is your canvas, so go ahead and make me a picture.
I won’t be home for your funeral.
Consider this song as my last words to you.

And while you’re at home missing me,
I’ll be starting a new life.
And when he breaks your heart,
You’ll have no one to go back to.
And when you’re contemplating your suicide,
I’ll be in love, enjoying my new life.


Don’t call, don’t write.
Hell, don’t even think about me.
This is the last straw, I’m done.
I’m not coming home.
THIS IS MY GOODBYE
GO!
[Breakdown]

And while you’re at home missing me,
I’ll be starting a new life.
And when he breaks your heart,
You’ll have no one to go back to.
And when you’re contemplating your suicide,
I’ll be in love, enjoying my new life.

I never needed you anyway.

-----

This was my second song, and more structured.
i haven't got together with anyone to write it yet, but i might revise it with someone and give it a shot.
Since i'm new at this, i'd appreciate some feedback.

Jaster
02/08/08, 02:31 PM
Well folks....


I think this is it....


The worst thing ever posted in the history of this forum.

missmatilde
02/08/08, 03:09 PM
14 years hold are delicate things tho, what if you say so and he hurts himself, wouldn't you feel guilty?.. lol...

Jaster
02/08/08, 04:44 PM
I did get a good laugh out of him posting: "[Breakdown]" at least.

Jaster
02/08/08, 04:45 PM
14 years hold are delicate things tho, what if you say so and he hurts himself, wouldn't you feel guilty?.. lol...



No.

Spewk
02/08/08, 05:14 PM
The first one is horriable, and the second is meh at best.

billyboatkid
02/08/08, 05:19 PM
HAHAHAHA damn Slade's comments are the Brutastic. lol

CellarGhosts
02/08/08, 06:25 PM
you should write for Hallmark!

Addictx
02/08/08, 06:41 PM
wow, this is horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!
have you EVER listened to ANY good music?
does it sound like this? I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell was going through your head when you posted this!?!?
like, is it a joke or are you actually serious?

lew_1987
02/09/08, 02:56 AM
the second one was alright, but the first one just held no merit at all for the reader.

ieatcrayons4fun
02/09/08, 02:11 PM
wow. you've got some serious issues. maybe write on a new topic dude.