'to be expecting'

[de la sympathie]

I don't write about anything going on in my life very often, if at all. I was kind of in the mood for such a thing due to Valentine's Day, though. So here it is. I really want as much feedback as you can give on this. I like it. But I want to fix what I can.

EDIT: By the way, the title is horrible. I was just coming up with random words and that's what happened. Only temporary.




'To Be Expecting'

There are old men sitting on street corners
I feel guilty as I try to pass by; I'm broke
Can't spare any change for the man who serenades
Spent all my money on some video game

There are kids falling asleep in orphanages
I feel sad as I drive by; I'm much too
Procrastinatory to try and help, besides
I mean, I'm no mother, and I can't offer a home

Where Alpine turns from north to south, that's when
The uphill battle makes a downhill slump
There's been a wreck driving down past the park
The shade of trees keeps the road in the dark

In Africa, there are people dying of AIDS
I feel terrible when the news turns on; it's easy
To forget the problems when you're half a world away, but still
I want to help, but I'm no match for a disease and genetics aren't my thing

There are people lined up at the free clinic
I feel stupid as I try to look past; it's difficult
There are so many illnesses going around, and I have drugs
Keep saying "I won't catch your poisonous germs, I won't"

Where Alpine turns from north to the freeway, that's when
I turn right to the woman who'll take care of the problem
She gives me pills that many people can't afford because
Something's wrong with me that health insurance covers

In your house, you are happy, talking to your lover
I feel bad for myself when you call; it's comfortable
To fall asleep to some easy old pain, and besides
I'll feel warmer in the morning, wrapped up in excuses for being stagnant

I like to act like it isn't the latest trend:
To end up feeling worse for yourself in the end



--

Edit: Just so everyone understands, Alpine is a street in my city that goes all the way south till it dead ends (at my high school) and north all the way till it goes into Loves Park (or Machesney, one of the two) and then the freeway.

[leezer]

I thought this piece was very honest. I was questioning its integrity a bit when you said that you were broke but then finding the video game was the reason, I could relate to what you were saying. I think this piece depicts what a lot of young people feel; when it comes to helping out its easier to speak than actually do something.
I dont know whether this is lyrics or a poem but I thought as a poem it worked better. It's refreshing to see how you linger in other people's worlds for a while but end up engrossed in your own, thats how life is. I didn't other stand the second to last stanza, it was a bit too scattered.
It's a nice little piece that you should be quite proud of.

[bootsydan]

I liked it quite a fair bit. Actually I liked it a lot.

Although if you could change one thing I think it would be the 2nd line in just about every stanza. The bits that start with 'I feel...'. I think there would be better (perhaps more creative?) ways of saying those lines. I mean it's great you're being so honest about it, but it makes the 1st line seem so set up. When you really want it to seem natural.

Anyway thats just my opinion. Aside from that I thought it was really fantastic. I always seem to like your pieces. Really good.

[Baby VenomVeins]

This was really good

The only think that I didn't think fit was the word procrastinatory. It caught me off guard and interrupted the flow.

[David Hazeel]

I agree with Baby VenomVains that procrastinatory felt out of place and interrupted the flow of the piece.

I thought that all of this was very good, however there is one part that I think should be changed:

"Where Alpine turns from north to south, that's when
The uphill battle makes a downhill slump
There's been a wreck driving down past the park
The shade of trees keeps the road in the dark"

I thought the first two lines of this verse were really beautiful, however I think that the last line detracts from them; it feels quite forced and out of place. Unless there's another expression in-keeping with a car wreck that fits the rhyme, I would consider changing these last two lines to some other sort of disaster.

[de la sympathie]

I thought this piece was very honest. I was questioning its integrity a bit when you said that you were broke but then finding the video game was the reason, I could relate to what you were saying. I think this piece depicts what a lot of young people feel; when it comes to helping out its easier to speak than actually do something.
I dont know whether this is lyrics or a poem but I thought as a poem it worked better. It's refreshing to see how you linger in other people's worlds for a while but end up engrossed in your own, thats how life is. I didn't other stand the second to last stanza, it was a bit too scattered.
It's a nice little piece that you should be quite proud of.

Could you explain what you mean by "too scattered"?

Thanks for taking the time to critique, I appreciate it.

[de la sympathie]

I liked it quite a fair bit. Actually I liked it a lot.

Although if you could change one thing I think it would be the 2nd line in just about every stanza. The bits that start with 'I feel...'. I think there would be better (perhaps more creative?) ways of saying those lines. I mean it's great you're being so honest about it, but it makes the 1st line seem so set up. When you really want it to seem natural.

Anyway thats just my opinion. Aside from that I thought it was really fantastic. I always seem to like your pieces. Really good.

I think I know what you mean. I'll try to find an alternative to that today. Maybe something that doesn't start with the word "I"?

Thanks. That makes me feel good, haha. :)

[de la sympathie]

This was really good

The only think that I didn't think fit was the word procrastinatory. It caught me off guard and interrupted the flow.


You mean change it to something shorter or more simple? Like that?

Thank you. :)

[de la sympathie]

I agree with Baby VenomVains that procrastinatory felt out of place and interrupted the flow of the piece.

I thought that all of this was very good, however there is one part that I think should be changed:

"Where Alpine turns from north to south, that's when
The uphill battle makes a downhill slump
There's been a wreck driving down past the park
The shade of trees keeps the road in the dark"

I thought the first two lines of this verse were really beautiful, however I think that the last line detracts from them; it feels quite forced and out of place. Unless there's another expression in-keeping with a car wreck that fits the rhyme, I would consider changing these last two lines to some other sort of disaster.

Okay, I understand what you mean. I'll definitely get around to finding another solution later. Thanks for commenting. :)

[missmatilde]

it's really nice. it felt more a poem to me tho.. and I do agree w/ Nicole about procastinatory.
But I very much liked this.

[leezer]

Could you explain what you mean by "too scattered"?

Thanks for taking the time to critique, I appreciate it.

I just thought that your writing up to that stanza had been quite linear and clear to the reader but that stanza seemed to be more confusing.

[Baby VenomVeins]

You mean change it to something shorter or more simple? Like that?

Thank you. :)

Shorter would do the trick. I doesn't really have to be "more simple" because I take that like you're saying you'd dumb it down and it doesn't need that. The word should just be shorter :)