Sentence

[missmatilde]

Sentence

Sitting on this cold steps,
Hidden by a black shade,
I'm waiting for the wind
To breathe again.

If talks lead to understandings,
Why is there so much tension,
When you leave place to
The other side's action?

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

Here with whole half of my world,
The choreography of the moon
Reminds us the sun
Will rise back soon...

But what if the day comes early,
And our dreams stay late?
Your doubts have to go,
I can no more wait!

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

I'd plea guilty of any crime,
Just to fasten the process,
Stop holding onto your decision,
I can't wait for your words much longer:
I need to hear the sentence.



___________________________________ _______________
I hope it makes any sense... please, tell me what you think cause I'm to some extent experimenting differents topics ;-) thanks in advance for reading

[David Hazeel]

"But what if the day comes early,
And our dreams stay late?
Your doubts have to go,
I can no more wait!"

The last line of that verse is too forced. I think it would be better if you changed it to something more like "No longer can I wait".

Other than that, I quite like it. Although I do think that in a few places it's a little confused, such as the verse I quoted and the last two lines of the second verse. For an experiment though, there is definitely something there. :-)

[missmatilde]

Thanks much David, I'll try to fix those ;-)
I'm much happy you liked my experiment... :-)

[Baby VenomVeins]

Sentence

Sitting on this cold steps,
Hidden by a black shade,
I'm waiting for the wind
To breathe again.

If talks lead to understandings,
Why is there so much tension,
When you leave place to
The other side's action?

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

Here with whole half of my world,
The choreography of the moon
Reminds us the sun
Will rise back soon...

But what if the day comes early,
And our dreams stay late?
Your doubts have to go,
I can no more wait!

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

I'd plea guilty of any crime,
Just to fasten the process,
Stop holding onto your decision,
I can't wait for your words much longer:
I need to hear the sentence.



___________________________________ _______________
I hope it makes any sense... please, tell me what you think cause I'm to some extent experimenting differents topics ;-) thanks in advance for reading


I really like the bolded parts. Especially the choreography of the moon line. I'm not sure I really understand the second verse. The repeated part is good, but I think you could have made it more interesting. The line "For every word you are still to say..." confused me. Did you mean everything they'll say in the future?
Overall the good outweighs the not-so-good :-)

[bootsydan]

Well I'm too sure I liked the subject matter a lot, but there were good bits in there that I liked... So I'll just quote them, cause I don't have a lot else to say!

Sitting on this cold steps,
Hidden by a black shade,
I'm waiting for the wind
To breathe again.

The choreography of the moon
Reminds us the sun
Will rise back soon...

But what if the day comes early,
And our dreams stay late?

[missmatilde]

Sitting on this cold steps,
Hidden by a black shade,
I'm waiting for the wind
To breathe again.

If talks lead to understandings,
Why is there so much tension,
When my finished speech wonders
About your reaction?

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

Here with whole half of my world,
The choreography of the moon
Reminds us the sun
Will rise back soon...

But what if the day comes early,
And our doubts stay late?
I don't want to get caught on a cliff,
on its edge, when the fall is still an if,
without knowing if your gonna leave or stay.

You feed me fire,
For every second of delay,
For every word you are still to say...
Like an inflated tire,
That can hold no more pressure,
Hoping you won't end the indenture,
I'm waiting for your words
To speak the sentence.

I'd plea guilty of any crime,
Just to fasten the process,
Stop holding onto your decision,
I can't wait for your words much longer:
I need to hear the sentence.

bolded part is what I changed, I actually turned the last verse into a bridge, that was what was supposed to be originally, but writing it it ended up being very similar to the verses, so before I just made it another of them. thank's much for your advice David, tell me if it works better please :angel:

[missmatilde]

I really like the bolded parts. Especially the choreography of the moon line. I'm not sure I really understand the second verse. The repeated part is good, but I think you could have made it more interesting. The line "For every word you are still to say..." confused me. Did you mean everything they'll say in the future?
Overall the good outweighs the not-so-good

thanks much nicole, I'm happy you liked it... hope that point is to some extent more clear in the re-write, it's supposed to mean when you finish to talk, and your waiting for the other person answer\opinion. the 'you'r still to say' line refers to the same idea, it's anything the other person still need to tell\answer you... hope it's cleare now ;-) thanks much for reading and for your nice comment. :-) :-)

[missmatilde]

thanks Tim, I get the subject may not been much your kind ;-)I'm happy you liked some of it tho :-)