This is the dying feeling.... feedback please

[brandnew_punk_7]

i call
an unfriendly hospital bed my home
i am
feeling lonely but someones one bed over
dying with me so i dont feel so alone

a slave
is all i am you see
to a numbing elixer,dripping IV
A connection to the world
its all that lets me live, its what makes me be...



maybe tomorrow i'll die
because today i cant live
You call this alive
okay, if living means all i do is exist



Hi who are you?
visiting time is over so you better leave
im really feeling tired,i dont want to talk
i even need a needle to let me go to sleep

Look over there
thoughtful cards and precious flowers
they want me to feel loved
but why change things just because ive only got hours....(to live---)



maybe tomorrow i'll die
because today i cant live
You call this alive
okay, if living means all i do is exist:huh:

[thexflamesxburn]

i like it a lot

im guessing by the format that its a song rrather than a poem?

[FrankieHaz2]

maybe tomorrow i'll die
because today i cant live

like it a lot!

[para ser libre]

i call
an unfriendly hospital bed my home
i am
feeling lonely but someones one bed over <-contradictory...feeling lonely/don't feel so laone...pick one or the other
dying with me so i dont feel so alone

a slave
is all i am you see <-- "you see" i don't like that part
to a numbing elixer,dripping IV <-- an IV doesn't drip...the fluid does..which makes this statement confusing and wrong
A connection to the world <-- a connection to the world through what....the IV, and if so how does it let you live...sounds like it should be the start of a new verse.
its all that lets me live, its what makes me be...



maybe tomorrow i'll die
because today i cant live <- if you can't live today then why don't you die today?
You call this alive
okay, if living means all i do is exist



Hi who are you?
visiting time is over so you better leave
im really feeling tired,i dont want to talk
i even need a needle to let me go to sleep <- be better towards the begginging of the song.

Look over there
thoughtful cards and precious flowers
they want me to feel loved
but why change things just because ive only got hours....(to live---)


maybe tomorrow i'll die
because today i cant live
You call this alive
okay, if living means all i do is exist:huh:


as you move through out the song it kinda goes from the omniecient to teh first person point of view, which is wierd but it can work. I think you need to work on that trabnsition if you want the song to work though...

nice ideas in the song i liked a couple of them, but you really need to pick a side, a happy or a sad. this vollies between or if you want to stay neutral don't through in so much leverage to one side or the other. And also...watch contradictory statements liek in the open lines.