Help my song out...Be brutally honest

[BrandNewPunk]

Tell me what you think and how to make it better please...
I welcome ideas for titles, new lines, revised lines, anything...

welcome back
i thought we had lost you for a moment
i'd never see you
never hold you
again

life would be a curse
to never touch you
never feel your warmth
again

if fate hadn't placed me in your arms that day
i'd still see you
as pictures in my head
dreams that won't leave
i know you're out there
somewhere out there
an unrealized wish wandering the silent city streets

when i blow out these candles tonight
you'll make my life realize truth
so my eyes can't deny you
and you'll tell warm thoughts to my heart

so come back to me now
this house grows cold with memories
fading fast from my mind
my hands shiver with no one to hold
and my heart bleeds tears
thinking you won't be back again
won't you make me feel lifted again
i just want to feel whole again

[BrandNewPunk]

hm...anybody?

[salimali]

i like it. i think if i heard it with music, i would probably cry, being the over sensitive gal i am :blush:
it reminds me of brand new/jimmy..:)

[Touched]

Woah, that was great.

*clap clap* :)

[BrandNewPunk]

thanks so much guys.

anything you would change?
and what kind of music would you hear this to...slow but hard, soft, faster...etc.

oh and anybody got a title idea?
i'm stumped

[Driveitthrough]

I like it too. It kind of reminded me of something the Ataris would do, so in my head I put it to Ataris-type music. As for a title, I think I would call it "Make a Wish". I think that title would work really well because of the blowing out the candles thing along with how you're talking about how much you need the person back in your life. Let me know what you end up calling it. Great job.

[BrandNewPunk]

hm...i think i like that title, thanks man. any other suggestions or comments? I see my band in a week and I'm trying to put this to music before I present it to them.

[Driveitthrough]

I think it flows really well right up to the word "unrealized". You might try a shorter word like "elusive". I think a 3 syllable word goes better there than a 4 one. Also, the "and you'll tell warm thoughts to my heart" line seems a little odd. Maybe replace "thoughts" with "truth" or something. Those are my 2 cents... let me know what you think.

[xAlexisonfirex]

Boooo!

I swear i've heard that before...oh yeah! It's every freaking pop-punk/screamo/emo/emo-core whatever song that has ever been written.

Do you have an original thought going through your brain?

Instead of writing about losing a girl, why don't you write about keeping one, or the one you love?

[para ser libre]

Originally posted by xAlexisonfirex
Boooo!

I swear i've heard that before...oh yeah! It's every freaking pop-punk/screamo/emo/emo-core whatever song that has ever been written.

Do you have an original thought going through your brain?

Instead of writing about losing a girl, why don't you write about keeping one, or the one you love?


Ha Ha Ha, you talk about oribinal.....
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE AN ORIGNAL CRITIQUE...

Every complains of everything being as you say "punk/screamo/emo/emo-core"

I'm placing bets you couldn't list three bands from each of those genres of the top of the top of your head let alone in the correct genres...

[BuriedAlive]

haha alex got put in his place. thats funny.

[Driveitthrough]

.haha alex got put in his place. thats funny.

Or is it alexis? OOOH YEAH, ALEXIS -- YOU'S ON FIRE GIRL!

Let's see you write something better instead of making fun of other people's songs.

[BrandNewPunk]

hahahahaha
Thanks everyone, but I really don't care if people bad mouth myself or my songs. I simply ignore the filler and take in only useful criticisms. I still haven't picked out a distinctive title, but I am reworking the verses that were suggested to change. I'll repost when I finish it.
Chris

[Micah Aldridge]

Title: Welcome back to my reality

I thought we had lost you for a moment
I'd never see you again
I'd accept the consequences
Never to hold you again

Life would grow like a cancer
Could never touch you again
This bottles my elixer
Never feel your warmth again


I guess it is good fortune
I was in your arms that day
Or I'd still see you
As a picture in my head
As a dream that won't leave
A latent wish at night
Wandering in the silent street lights

As I drown out this candle
envision the truth you hide
these eyes speak in honestly
welcome back to my reality


Your return is overdue
Memories fading fast
This house is like an icebox
My hands shiver without yours
I miss the face, our long talks
I miss our history
If this wasn't meant forever
Why did God lead you to me

Life would grow like a cancer
Could never touch you again
This bottles my elixer
Not ever to feel your warmth again

*********************************** **********

WEE I love making other peoples songs, nothing like what they were ;) That is how I would write it, well after I made some guitar parts, and rewrote is a couple 50 times ;) good luck with your band

[popdisaster530]

thats probably the most intresting thread ive ever read, awesome song, and i like your idea about instead of insulting people, writing something of your own.

[BrandNewPunk]

wow, holy crap. i like that rewrite. i'll definetly take those lines into heavy consideration. i love the cancer line.
THANKS

[Micah Aldridge]

BrandNewPunk, If your bored. I work gravyard and have tons'o time. email me some lyrics at saltisall@hotmail.com and i'll give you opinions. One thing I like to see is a genre/band attached to the song. Say for example "Sounds like Appleseed Cast" - That way I know what words/style to think in


Micah

[blink182drumagh]

im not sure wats goin on here....but one guy seems 2 be crazy...whoever named all those genres and was like "ahh winey winey wine ur not original sob sob"....wtf dude...ur like pathetic a good portion of the songs u have ever heard have been about love....***

peace

[xAlexisonfirex]

Ah, i'm back to see i've been bombarded by pop-punk queens.

Whoever told me to name bands from the "correct" genres....thats my point. These lyrics fit a certain mold, and everybody is writing the exact same because the popular genre now is "screamo" (when if you really want to get into it, the shit you guys think is screamo...isn't)...and so everybody is writing lyrics that look exactly the same as the lyric posted above

Look down this whole section and you will find 100 other songs just like this one.

Think originally or try to.

And Alexisonfire is a band douche, not my name.

Para Ser Libre- Why should my critiques be original? I'm not asking for opinions on my critiques am I? Hmmm, one reply out of this whole thread is about it being unoriginal...that doesn't sound like everybody does it?

I'm guessing you just suffer from the same problem, BrandNewPunk does, so you take this to heart.

EDIT: Your songs aren't bad Para.

[xAlexisonfirex]

Oh, and Micah's rewrite was good.

Let him write your songs from now on.