Bang! Bang!

[thelovethehate]

Bang! Bang!
The sound that changes everything
My life will never be the same
And neither will yours.

[Kid B]

sound's like the beginning paragraph to a danielle steele novel

it's not really long enough to be judged as anything

it doesnt really show any of your emotion

and my life is still the same.

[lew_1987]

hmm seems like an OK opening or something, but on it's own its pretty bad. try and expand on it and see what you come up with.

[JimGray]

I usually love 4 liners, but this was too inadequate, no real point.

[vandalsandquinn]

Bang baaaaang! On the door baby!

[thelovethehate]

actually, no to be biased, but when you look into this, it describes a life changing event, a scenario.

someone being shot and dying. the murderer and the victim's lives are now changed forever.


so don't discredit it b/c it's short.

[staywhatyouare9]

and you described it in the most bland boring way possible

[lew_1987]

actually, no to be biased, but when you look into this, it describes a life changing event, a scenario.

someone being shot and dying. the murderer and the victim's lives are now changed forever.


so don't discredit it b/c it's short.

i don't believe we are given enough information to work this out, despite the fact that the four lines you have used don't give us anything new. using your information, someone has been shot and it has changed the shooter's and the victim's life. isn't that a bit obvious? tell us how their lives have been changed, why it has happened or something.

that's ignoring that the subject matter is crass and bland in my opinion.

[thelovethehate]

it's not supposed to give you all kinds of info. it's poetry. not all poetry is the same.

sorry that ya'll don't get that, but that's Absolute Punk for ya.

[lew_1987]

sorry that you don't get any of what has been said in this thread. anyone can write four shitty lines that don't really mean anything.

[yournewhaircut]

sorry that you don't get any of what has been said in this thread. anyone can write four shitty lines that don't really mean anything.

right and it is a known fact that not everyone is a poet.

[lew_1987]

what i am saying is you have to stand up to your art. you can't just say "oh well, it's poetry."

[yournewhaircut]

is it possible to delete a post yourself?

[lew_1987]

yes, click 'edit' on your post and then the delete button on that.

[JimGray]

it's not supposed to give you all kinds of info. it's poetry. not all poetry is the same.

sorry that ya'll don't get that, but that's Absolute Punk for ya.

Alright fucker, don't hate what you don't understand, take the criticism, lick your wounds, try again.

Or fucking leave.

[five_eyes]

it's not supposed to give you all kinds of info. it's poetry. not all poetry is the same.

sorry that ya'll don't get that, but that's Absolute Punk for ya.

Not all poetry is the same, but some of it just isn't good. Lines like "My life will never be the same/ and neither will yours" are so boring and cliche that they could describe anything, and that discredits half of your poem. When your poem is so short, you need to overdo it with meaning in every line, and this simply doesn't.

(Bang, Bang, Pistolita)

[beau blood rush]

for example this is how i would write something on the same subject manner, just off the top of my head.


spill a scene on the corner of the street
empty chambers kiss hollow dreams;
she bleeds almost beautifully
but why won't she get back up again?

[lew_1987]

for example this is how i would write something on the same subject manner, just off the top of my head.


spill a scene on the corner of the street
empty chambers kiss hollow dreams;
she bleeds almost beautifully
but why won't she get back up again?

i mean this subject matter is clearly dreadful... but this was ten times better than the original posters' attempt.

[bootsydan]

I love it how these threads start off with somewhat considerate feedback, and then they slowly turn to slander. And what's more, most of that slander is deserved. Hilarious.

I agree with everyone who said this was rubbish. And if you want to know why, read all the other replies above me. They've said.

Oh, and in advance of being quoted and argued with, I'm just going to say 'f off' here, to save me having to come back and give this thread another post.

[lew_1987]

I love it how these threads start off with somewhat considerate feedback, and then they slowly turn to slander. And what's more, most of that slander is deserved. Hilarious.

I agree with everyone who said this was rubbish. And if you want to know why, read all the other replies above me. They've said.

Oh, and in advance of being quoted and argued with, I'm just going to say 'f off' here, to save me having to come back and give this thread another post.

haha, nice.

my slanderous posts are what i wanted to post originally, but i thought i wanted to be considerate... until the poster turned out to be a knob.

[Stereo Mike]

Pathetic.

[lew_1987]

Pathetic.

good to see you in here mike!

[Stereo Mike]

good to see you in here mike!
Haha, I used to come in here quite often for the laughable 'poems'.

[lew_1987]

Haha, I used to come in here quite often for the laughable 'poems'.

ah... that doesn't make sense that you don't still come in here often. if anything there are MORE laughable poems, haha.

[Stereo Mike]

ah... that doesn't make sense that you don't still come in here often. if anything there are MORE laughable poems, haha.
I actually forgot it existed haha.

I think you should write a poem, Lewis.

[lew_1987]

I actually forgot it existed haha.

I think you should write a poem, Lewis.

i have written plenty ;-)

i can direct you to some of my better ones, if you'd like.

[JimGray]

haha, nice.

my slanderous posts are what i wanted to post originally, but i thought i wanted to be considerate... until the poster turned out to be a knob.

I have never heard knob as an insult. =]

[lew_1987]

I have never heard knob as an insult. =]

that's because you live in america :-) you're missing out. i take it you know what it means?

[JimGray]

that's because you live in america :-) you're missing out. i take it you know what it means?

Not a clue...lol.

[lew_1987]

Not a clue...lol.

its that thing that sticks out infront of you.

clue: it's not your nose.

[JimGray]

My elongated nipple?


ooooh

[0starter0]

If you take criticisms of people on ap.net as the end all for your quality of writing you're stupid.

It was decent but I think it would have been more powerful in the past tense.

[0starter0]

for example this is how i would write something on the same subject manner, just off the top of my head.


spill a scene on the corner of the street
empty chambers kiss hollow dreams;
she bleeds almost beautifully
but why won't she get back up again?

I fail to see how some posters criticize the topic creator's poem yet give this clichéd mess of My Chemical Romance-esque writing a better review.

[lew_1987]

I fail to see how some posters criticize the topic creator's poem yet give this clichéd mess of My Chemical Romance-esque writing a better review.

i never said it was good. infact i said it was bad. but i'd take a 'cliched mess of my chemical romance' over the original post any day.

[beau blood rush]

that makes me puke that you'd call it my chemical romance-esque writing.

cliched means something thats done all the time,
so if your going to say its cliched you have to go find at LEAST three pieces of writing that have desribed the same subject matter in the same way as this.

good luck! :]

[Chris Fallon]

I don't even get it.

I mean ... that was it?

[yournewhaircut]

lew, i believe you are portraying yourself as one of those knobs. Honestly, anyone who goes and says "this poetry is shit" is not really saying anything about a poem, but rather about themselves.

[lovely864md]

lew, i believe you are portraying yourself as one of those knobs. Honestly, anyone who goes and says "this poetry is shit" is not really saying anything about a poem, but rather about themselves.

Actually, I think that they're talking about the poem.

Good luck in your career as a guidance counselor though.

[yournewhaircut]

pwned

[lew_1987]

lew, i believe you are portraying yourself as one of those knobs. Honestly, anyone who goes and says "this poetry is shit" is not really saying anything about a poem, but rather about themselves.

no. if you use your eyes (those things that sit in your skull), you will see that i was fairly constructive and patient at first. that was until the poster just turned out to be an idiot who can't take criticism, and didn't want to defend his art. so i let rip.

[JimGray]

no. if you use your eyes (those things that sit in your skull), you will see that i was fairly constructive and patient at first. that was until the poster just turned out to be an idiot who can't take criticism, and didn't want to defend his art. so i let rip.

Like a fart Lewis, like a fart...

[lew_1987]

Like a fart Lewis, like a fart...

my farts are MUCH worse.

[JimGray]

Hahahahaha.

[yournewhaircut]

Yeah I think this whole thread is just a series of intellectual farts. Um. But looking back I still like the piece. Poetry is basically an embroidered intellectual fart, right?

[no_philistine]

The poem? Not very good. I got the symbolism and everything, but I find of late that a great many people throw out a few lines and think they are a poet or something, but in actuality it takes a great deal of patience and wit to write good poetry. Robert Frost and Charles Bukowski are great poets and never once did they write only four lines. So, my suggestion would be to go out and read some great poets and rip off their style and what not for a while. Then perhaps you can attempt your own poetry after said fact. Imitation often can take the place of talent. Just a suggestion.

[JimGray]

The poem? Not very good. I got the symbolism and everything, but I find of late that a great many people throw out a few lines and think they are a poet or something, but in actuality it takes a great deal of patience and wit to write good poetry. Robert Frost and Charles Bukowski are great poets and never once did they write only four lines. So, my suggestion would be to go out and read some great poets and rip off their style and what not for a while. Then perhaps you can attempt your own poetry after said fact. Imitation often can take the place of talent. Just a suggestion.

There is nothing wrong with 4 liners, buttknock.