Piles of Leaves

[Baby VenomVeins]

Me and myself, we live without problems these days
They died long ago, as the leaves dropped themselves from trees
Even though it’s buried, I’m still tied to the ground
With these untied laces and sloppily placed shoes
I call it not watching my step, but I’ve heard I’m walking over everyone
I can hardly say I’m looking where I’m going
Only that I love to hear the crunching underneath my feet

_________________________
Haven't written much lately, but this short little bit came out of nowhere and I kinda liked it. It's about being very carefree which is how I've felt these past few weeks.

Tell me what you think.

[MCSmate]

I enjoyed reading this.

[SubrosaSeductiv]

I enjoyed reading this.

This is such shit.

Both of you are retarded. Babyvenomdumby for writing it and you for liking it.

Edit:

Just playin' Nicole, you know I love it. I'm not just sayin' that 'cause you're my girl either. It was actually pretty artistic and I definitely enjoy the nostalgic feeling I get reading it.

[Baby VenomVeins]

Thanks for reading guys.

& Karl, you're so silly.

[cityfastasleep]

I think it's good.
:]
the last sentence kind of makes me cringe cause I think of stepping on bodies but it's a good cringe haha

[Baby VenomVeins]

I think it's good.
:]
the last sentence kind of makes me cringe cause I think of stepping on bodies but it's a good cringe haha
Thanks. That thought (not really the cringing) is really what I was going for. Thanks for reading :-)

[lew_1987]

i liked the sentiment behind it, good stuff.

[JimGray]

It was very innocent, playful, and extremely enjoyable.

Not sure about line 4, but who cares what I think =]

I just sounded like Simon Cowell, kill me.

[Baby VenomVeins]

i liked the sentiment behind it, good stuff.
Thanks man. I'm glad you liked it.
It was very innocent, playful, and extremely enjoyable.

Not sure about line 4, but who cares what I think =]

I just sounded like Simon Cowell, kill me.
I really didn't get Simon Cowell from that :shug: but if you insist...
Line four was supposed to emphasize the carelessness about how I felt.
But thanks for reading, Simon.

[intensified]

I do like the innocence behind it.
It was also really easy to read.

Good job.

[Baby VenomVeins]

Thanks :-)


I usually write with a much more bitter mood so I'm glad this works and you guys like my innocent side haha

[intensified]

Thanks :-)


I usually write with a much more bitter mood so I'm glad this works and you guys like my innocent side haha

Haha, that sounds like me.
But, it's nice to try something different for a change.

This was nicely written though, I thought.

[matt_rawlings]

I liked it. Nothing groundbreaking but a nice enough read for sure

[JimGray]

Thanks man. I'm glad you liked it.

I really didn't get Simon Cowell from that :shug: but if you insist...
Line four was supposed to emphasize the carelessness about how I felt.
But thanks for reading, Simon.

No problem =]

[Ailite]

I enjoyed this a lot

[Baby VenomVeins]

I liked it. Nothing groundbreaking but a nice enough read for sure
Gracias Matt. Really appreciate you reading this and I'm glad you liked it.
I enjoyed this a lot
Thanks man :-)

[bootsydan]

On the contrary to what seems to be popular belief I didn't find this anything too special. I'll do a critique so you can see where I'm coming from.

Me and myself, we live without problems these days
They died long ago, as the leaves dropped themselves from trees

Firstly - Me and myself? Why did you say that? Why didn't you just say 'I live without problems these days'? And if your answer was because it fit a melody or made it have better flow - thats still a lame reason IMO. I know you can do better than 'me and myself'. That's just bad.

So your problems died as leaves dropped from the trees? That doesn't make sense. Leaves always drop from trees. I could understand you saying your problems are falling around about you like the leaves on a tree or something. But not the way you've said it atm. I think that bit needs rewording.

Even though it’s buried, I’m still tied to the ground
With these untied laces and sloppily placed shoes

Firstly - a nitpicky thing. The word 'it's'. Wouldn't it be 'even though they're buried' - as you're talking about your problems? Also even if your problems weren't buried, I still can't see how you wouldn't be tied to the ground. We're all tied to the ground. I mean I know what you're saying is kind of metaphoric - I just don't think its a good metaphor.

I don't really like the phrase 'sloppily placed shoes' either. How are shoes sloppily placed? There is only one way to 'place' them.

I call it not watching my step, but I’ve heard I’m walking over everyone

This is OK. I mean 'walking over everyone' could mean anything - but maybe it's good if it means different things to different people.

I can hardly say I’m looking where I’m going
Only that I love to hear the crunching underneath my feet

Firstly - you've already told us you're not looking where you're going. The line above you said 'I call it not watching my feet'. I mean I know it's a slight rephrasing - but your more or less repeating yourself. The line 'I can hardly say I'm looking where I'm going' doesn't really add anything.

The last line is OK I guess. Although I'm not sure what you're telling me. That you like walking? That you like the sound of walking? That you have no problems and you like the sound of walking?


I think you have not been clear at all by what you mean - and not in a good way. I think a lot of this is just illogical and attempting to use metaphorical language for some sort of moral or theme but failing. Saying that you like walking as a metaphor for saying you are happy at the moment? Doesn't really sit right. I think in there somewhere is the potential for something good, but you haven't found it yet.

Anyway, I seem to be the odd one out here, so take it or leave it.

[Baby VenomVeins]

On the contrary to what seems to be popular belief I didn't find this anything too special. I'll do a critique so you can see where I'm coming from.

Me and myself, we live without problems these days
They died long ago, as the leaves dropped themselves from trees

Firstly - Me and myself? Why did you say that? Why didn't you just say 'I live without problems these days'? And if your answer was because it fit a melody or made it have better flow - thats still a lame reason IMO. I know you can do better than 'me and myself'. That's just bad.

So your problems died as leaves dropped from the trees? That doesn't make sense. Leaves always drop from trees. I could understand you saying your problems are falling around about you like the leaves on a tree or something. But not the way you've said it atm. I think that bit needs rewording.
Not trying to be defensive, but I'd like to explain why I wrote things the way I did and probably give away too much of this to where people don't like it at all anymore.

I referred to myself as two people because that's how I feel lately; like two separate people who don't get along.
I was making a reference to autumn saying that's when things got less complicated.

Even though it’s buried, I’m still tied to the ground
With these untied laces and sloppily placed shoes

Firstly - a nitpicky thing. The word 'it's'. Wouldn't it be 'even though they're buried' - as you're talking about your problems? Also even if your problems weren't buried, I still can't see how you wouldn't be tied to the ground. We're all tied to the ground. I mean I know what you're saying is kind of metaphoric - I just don't think its a good metaphor.

I don't really like the phrase 'sloppily placed shoes' either. How are shoes sloppily placed? There is only one way to 'place' them.

I meant the ground was buried, but I was still on the ground or a part of it kind of even though I couldn't see it. But I can see how that's confusing. It was metaphoric to how even though I can't see what were my problems that I was still a part of them. Probably a bad metaphor, yeah.
Sloppily placed is supposed to emphasize my feeling of carelessness to where I don't care where I'm stepping or what I'm stepping on.

I call it not watching my step, but I’ve heard I’m walking over everyone

This is OK. I mean 'walking over everyone' could mean anything - but maybe it's good if it means different things to different people.

Walking over everyone was like "walk all over you" like hurting people.

I can hardly say I’m looking where I’m going
Only that I love to hear the crunching underneath my feet

Firstly - you've already told us you're not looking where you're going. The line above you said 'I call it not watching my feet'. I mean I know it's a slight rephrasing - but your more or less repeating yourself. The line 'I can hardly say I'm looking where I'm going' doesn't really add anything.

The last line is OK I guess. Although I'm not sure what you're telling me. That you like walking? That you like the sound of walking? That you have no problems and you like the sound of walking?


I think you have not been clear at all by what you mean - and not in a good way. I think a lot of this is just illogical and attempting to use metaphorical language for some sort of moral or theme but failing. Saying that you like walking as a metaphor for saying you are happy at the moment? Doesn't really sit right. I think in there somewhere is the potential for something good, but you haven't found it yet.

Anyway, I seem to be the odd one out here, so take it or leave it.

Touche. It was just me repeating myself.
The last line was about how I don't really realize what I'm stepping on and crushing, whether it be people, chances etc because I'm not paying attention, but that wasn't spelt out.

Thanks so much for taking the time to do a full critique. I really appreciate it. I know what you mean on a lot/most of the stuff and it'll only help. Especially about it not being clear. Thanks again.

[maiabean]

I can dig it. :]

Even though it portrays happiness/carelessness, I still got a sense of darkness or brooding in your words (which I really enjoyed).