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MCSmate
04/01/08, 04:56 PM
I should probably say this now. I wrote this when looking over at the couch I was sitting on after getting up from it late last night. It is not a finished piece of writing just something I wrote down. I didn't write in lines, more of sentences but I changed that for this.

A dark lit room with only a computers' dim light
Shining on the wall
Illuminating the glow in the dark planets.
The curtains sway back and forth,
Creating shadows on the wall.
You can clearly hear cars passing by outside.
Most of the time they're going too fast.
bootsydan
04/02/08, 03:09 AM
Haha, I liked it.

I just love it how you end on 'Most of the time their going to fast.' No bold statement or anything, just a subtle little comment that could mean so much.

Potential for a song here.
lew_1987
04/02/08, 03:36 AM
i think it's a good opening, but needs at least another paragraph to make it worth while. and also: their = they're
JimGray
04/02/08, 05:51 AM
I liked it, but as usual lew was right. Expand, kudos on the last line.
lew_1987
04/02/08, 05:55 AM
I liked it, but as usual lew was right. Expand, kudos on the last line.

i'm always right!? :-)
JimGray
04/02/08, 06:03 AM
i'm always right!? :-)

I've never known you to be wrong.:shrug:
lew_1987
04/02/08, 06:13 AM
I've never known you to be wrong.:shrug:

heh, thanks dude. i'm glad you came back, i remember you as being one of the first ones to comment my lyrics.
JimGray
04/02/08, 06:37 AM
Words cannot describe how nice it is to be back.
lew_1987
04/02/08, 06:41 AM
Words cannot describe how nice it is to be back.

y u g0 awai?
JimGray
04/02/08, 06:43 AM
y u g0 awai?

Good question... I don't know. A lot of shit in my life was just kind of fucked up, and I figured if I stopped doing the things I loved, somehow it would get better. I actually came back for selfish reasons, this place made me happy, and dammit I wanted to milk that happiness.
lew_1987
04/02/08, 06:45 AM
good. continue to milk it.
JimGray
04/02/08, 06:50 AM
good. continue to milk it.

I have a thousand posts, can't leave now...
MCSmate
04/02/08, 09:52 AM
Haha, I liked it.

I just love it how you end on 'Most of the time their going to fast.' No bold statement or anything, just a subtle little comment that could mean so much.

Potential for a song here.

i think it's a good opening, but needs at least another paragraph to make it worth while. and also: their = they're


Thanks.

I probably will expand it. Yeah, and I fixed the typo...
JimGray
04/02/08, 10:03 AM
Psh, no love for jim^^
MCSmate
04/02/08, 10:18 AM
Okay Jim, thanks for your feedback too.
Baby VenomVeins
04/02/08, 03:23 PM
I really liked this & your writing style in general.
matt_rawlings
04/02/08, 03:49 PM
A nice little piece. I actually love the last two lines
MCSmate
04/02/08, 04:00 PM
I really liked this & your writing style in general.

Thanks. I said I am thinking on expanding this so you can see more like it then.

A nice little piece. I actually love the last two lines


Thanks. Those last two lines were my favorite part when I wrote this.