critique......please...please...

[brandnew_punk_7]

i dont know what to call it

my heart was pumping gasolene
you were the flame that i needed
but you were conceded
you would say those words......
that you didnt mean cause you knew theyd burn

douse my body in flouride
watch me cinge then watch me rise
you can drink champagne laced with cyanide
and after you make a toast to my ashes
take a sip then head back inside

but if youre thirsty
drink this cup of tears i--shed--for--you
may they quench your thirst

before you go you should know
what i intend to do;let the blood drip from my temple
down to drench my shirt

a misguided reference
to what i thought that love meant
rip my legs off so you can walk taller
use me to lift yourself up;is that a boyfriend?
you can call this over but i call it a trend

take an elongated bow
for your performance you win
a pardon from me and the burden
i have placed upon you and then....

when youre thirsty
drink this cup of tears i--shed--for--you
may they quench your thirst

before you go you should know
what i intend to do;let the blood drip from my temple
down to drench my shirt

[PrEtTynPuNkRoCk]

Originally posted by brandnew_punk_7
when youre thirsty
drink this cup of tears i--shed--for--you
may they quench your thirst

^ I really like that...

I think its a good song, I think it lacks rhythm though, but its hard to say when I haven't heard the music..

[popdisaster530]

Thats the best song ive read in a long time on here congrats dude. Very graphic and easily understood. Rhthyms tough but i can follow along pretty nicely. keep writing that stuff man!

[lollirot]

Death and gore metaphors in lyrics are overdone.