song..plz read and comment

[blink182drumagh]

-must go on

smothered by disgrace
covered in lies
this is when all our hope dies
right as the window
is slammed on our success
tommorrow wont be different whod've guessed

but we must go on
we must stand tall
take it like a man
answer to our destiny's call
for now the pain is over
it seems for now those feelings are all sober

cant wait till i can get away
im tired of the same old shit every single day
told things no longer true
but now i no longer care so get a fuckin clue

plz reply...any suggestions would be helpful

[GREENatarisDAY]

OOOOOH! the song starts out with a bang

"smothered in disgrace, covered with lies"......

YOU'RE A DOUBLE THREAT!

i read half way through the song i thought "okay maybe this has to do with doing what you are destined to do but are reluctant to do it" granted the line: "answer to our destiny's call for now the pain is over"

but then it goes into the whole
"cant wait till i can get away
im tired of the same old shit every single day
told things no longer true
but now i no longer care so get a fuckin clue"

AHHH!, you were being so passionate earlier now your simple lazy ass side of your mind came into play and totally ruined the potential (if any) this song had. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeease give your writing more thought so im not compelled to post things such as this in the future.

[TravvPoopington]

Like the Hindu said in not so many words, your song started out fine, but it kinda went downhill during the second verse and never really looked back.

smothered by disgrace
covered in lies
this is when all our hope dies
right as the window
is slammed on our success
tommorrow wont be different whod've guessed

but we must go on
we must stand tall
take it like a man
answer to our destiny's call
I like this, the message I get is "Everything is shitty, life is an endless black hole... but I've got no choice, I've gotta do what I've gotta do."

Then this came in...

for now the pain is over
it seems for now those feelings are all sober
...Huh? The pain is over? Did you commit suicide? I don't get it. As far as the second line... that one just didn't make any fuckin' sense. Do you know what sober means or were you just trying to rhyme from the last line? Feelings are all sober? Well yeah, they're sure as hell not on drugs... :rolleyes:

cant wait till i can get away
im tired of the same old shit every single day
told things no longer true
but now i no longer care so get a fuckin clue
...What the hell are you talking about? Here's the path of your song: "Life's a bitch, but I've gotta do it, now I committed suicide and the feelings are sober(?), now I'm running away because you suck"