welcome congregation of critisism!!!!!!just read it.please

[popdisaster530]

THis is sort of a slow ska-like song ive been writing that starts out with a guy that runs around hurting and leaving, then it flashes back to his childhood for the chorus..hey...i think its ok./

VERSE 1
what kind of person
with a sense of emotion
replaces his passion
with redundancy

All that is shallow
and underborne
rise and meet your
epitome

this guys a loner
a shooting star
following nights
and everything free

hes robbing the weak
and to empowered to speak
to those hes thrown out the back
in his life long journey

CHORUS
DONT treat me this way
Im not a reject
till i run away
which takes longer than pain

indolence guides me
to my desicion
get on with my life
or stay with you

BRIDGE
HIS bad desiscion
takes NO speculation
to WAIVE all the help
and WAIVE his future

VERSE 2
???????

havent finished.,,..thats it so far....comments...CRITISISM.....wou ld be awesome. Its SOOoooo hard to get critisism around here. ......you guys are way to kind....jk........but seriously....critisize cuz its not finished(obviously) and thats whats helped me get along with my writing so far.

[popdisaster530]

hey, the FOLLOWING is my rewrite, i got rid of of the shitty bridge and drastically changed the music part.

what kind of person
with a sense of emotion
replaces his passion
with redundancy

All that is shallow
and underborne
rise and meet your
epitome

this guys a loner
a shooting star
following nights
and everything free

hes robbing the weak
and to empowered to speak
to those hes thrown out the back
in his life long journey

CHORUS
DONT treat me this way
Im not a reject
till i run away
which takes longer than pain

indolence guides me
to my desicion
get on with my life
or stay here
...
with you
....
in this...(lightly echo every so often till eventual end!)



I played it as a Drop-D acoustic song thats a bit faster than the raw ska version, and like it that way much better...in the mood i guess. somebody reply

[BuriedAlive]

it could be a really good old blink 182 song. thats who came to mind when i read this.... i think your lines are too short... but it sounds like it works out. i just dont think there is enough in such little words to express true meaning.. try writing longer, fuller lines.. i think it could work for you. but then again you seem to have a pattern and it also looks like its working for you so dont let me ruin it.

[popdisaster530]

yea, i always write conscisley, i dont know if i have a small vocabulary or if im just a lazy bum. thanx for the comment

[GREENatarisDAY]

this reminded me of NoFx for some reason. It could be very solid song there are just some thigns that arent flowing together very well here and there which can be fixed easily i think. But yea just work at it