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View Full Version : a few of my poems. please please please give feedback. anything.


ShelterFromCold
12/27/03, 07:56 PM
Unstoppable Perfection

Star-crossed lovers, once spoke through the night
Hid under the covers, tucked far from the light
Destined for rapture, dreams never ceasing
Two shots stopped it all, made life start releasing

Like trumpets they rang, as they slipped through the air
One shot became two, one death they did share

A sad cure for anger, an escuse for his hate
All he wanted was a lover, a love to relate
A man blinded by jealousy, turned one sin to two
Why blame himself, when he could blame you

A late night walk turned to violence and danger
A man dressed in black, his voice filled with anger
"Give me the girl, or i'll take your life too"
His answer was easy, he already knew

"My lover i'll hold, 'til my last dying day
My grip will not cease, my feelings never sway
So take our lives both, and we'll live in the sky
And you'll live with the torment, until the 'morrow is nigh"

Two star-crossed lovers, lived life like before
A life lived in heaven, in love even more
No jealous man, could come between lovers
Tucked far from the light, hid under the covers


Don't Tell Me Why We're Over

You dodged me like a bullet
As if I'd penetrate your flesh
The reasons that you gave me
Were only second best

I wanted the best, the best for us
I wanted to hear what's right
I saw past tears, I could taste your guilt
But I did not sleep that night

You chose to lie, as if I didn't know
You took me for a fool
But the truth came 'round, I know what's real
And that's what makes you cruel

Don't try to cry, don't squeeze out tears
Your chance is looking grim
I'm leaving you now, my bridge is burnt
I'm sorry I'm not him


Break Up Day

You and I, were perfect together
You and I, were loving each moment

But time has moved on, these feelings grew old
The once hidden message, began to unfold
Unfold like the letter, you opened today
Unfold like my feelings, as they slipped away

Our world has stopped turning, our lives aren't the same
Our trust for eachother, has turned into shame
Shame like the hurt, I see in your eyes
Shame like my pride, I covered with lies

There's room to recover, there's others out there
We have more to give, we have more to share

We stand here alone, with nothing to say
Left speechless and hurt, on this break up day



wow congrats if you actually read all of that.
tell me what you think please.
i would appreciate it very much.
i have more too.
just let me know.

-Chris
:embarasse

saving face
12/30/03, 11:58 AM
i really like the first poem, im not usually one for repetitive rhyme in poems, but the stanzas were actually pretty cool, the

"My lover i'll hold, 'til my last dying day

basically summed up the poem. cool piece of work.

We stand here alone, with nothing to say
Left speechless and hurt, on this break up day

and i totally relate to the second poem, especially above quote. i like it

ShelterFromCold
12/30/03, 01:02 PM
hey thanks a lot man. that really helped. not all my poems have that rhyme scheme but those do. i'd appreciate any other comments as well. i dont care if you think it sucks or if you think they're good. anything is cool.

-Chris

Emotionless
01/05/04, 02:39 PM
wow that was really good, I could really relate to Unstopible Perfection, it really reminded me of my ex-girlfriend (long-story). Keep writing man. Your a Brand New fan aren't you?

maybe_mayhem
01/11/04, 08:38 PM
wow, I love unstoppable perfection. you're really good at painting a picture with words. well done.

blueydpnkgrl
01/14/04, 08:07 PM
i think that those are really great poems and i loved reading them... u should definately continue to keep writing... :approve:

ShelterFromCold
01/15/04, 07:15 AM
Wow thanks a lot for all the kind words guys.
I'll go ahead and post some more.
It really means a lot to hear anything from you guys.
Thanks again.
And yes, I am a Brand New fan...one of the biggest.
lol

-Chris