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View Full Version : When Love Flows From the Tip of the Paintbrush


intensified
04/20/08, 01:55 PM
Constructive criticism is appreciated on this one.


You look like a picture this morning,
Patiently thought up and professional.
But, breathe for once and allow me to take over,
Because you're looking more exhausted with each passing second.

Do the words exiting my lips encourage?
Am I the only figment of your playful imagination?
When you are smiling at the patters of rain,
I'm stroking lightly--Hoping your picture will eventually dry.

Can't love touch the abandoned?
Will the blind ever begin to see?
One day, they'll paint on a canvas with both eyes--
Love flowing from the tip of the paintbrush.

The deaf can't hear,
But they continue to sing serene ballads--Melodious; calm.
As they envy my health,
I envy their passion.

Will this dimming flicker remain against the whips of the wind?
This embering warmth is all I've known; I'm not ready to lose it.
As my confidence withers slowly, I attempt to paint the lighting.
Until at rest, I'll continue to wait for you in the back of this train.

Luckee12
04/20/08, 06:55 PM
i think its neat.

...not really constructive though

GhostMachine
04/21/08, 08:26 AM
I like it. Its an interesting take on a love piece. And it was written with beautiful imagery and an amazing flow.

intensified
04/21/08, 08:56 AM
I like it. Its an interesting take on a love piece. And it was written with beautiful imagery and an amazing flow.

Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

Your avatar scares me. :-p

GhostMachine
04/21/08, 09:21 AM
Lol...It makes me happy in the pants.^

intensified
04/21/08, 09:31 AM
Lol...It makes me happy in the pants.^

Hahaha. I haven't heard that saying in a while. But, no. It is a disturbing avatar.. Though, I did chuckle while first laying eyes upon it.

GhostMachine
04/21/08, 12:21 PM
Well, I have someone to thank for it and they know who they are.

lovely864md
04/21/08, 01:50 PM
This was very good. Most of my criticisms are small.

In the first stanza I think you can replace the word "but" with "now"

I didn't like the word playful in the second stanza, it seems like a different adjective would suit this better.

The third and fourth stanzas were my favorite. This was very very well done.

intensified
04/21/08, 03:51 PM
This was very good. Most of my criticisms are small.

In the first stanza I think you can replace the word "but" with "now"

I didn't like the word playful in the second stanza, it seems like a different adjective would suit this better.

The third and fourth stanzas were my favorite. This was very very well done.

Thanks much. :-p Yeah, now that you mention it.. I think "now" suits it better than "but". I'm not sure what other adjective to use in the second stanza though. Any ideas?

lovely864md
04/21/08, 04:00 PM
Thanks much. :-p Yeah, now that you mention it.. I think "now" suits it better than "but". I'm not sure what other adjective to use in the second stanza though. Any ideas?

Maybe "restless"?