New Song

[xxMichaelxx]

i havent been on in a while, but im gonna start posting songs again so grab your keyboards and start telling me i suck!

broken heart, broken memories

Yesterday, i sat in my room
i looked through old yearbooks
with a sharpie as black
as my memories of you
i marked all over your face
i tried to wipe away the marks
when i realized what I'd done
but the ink was already dry

and you still wonder
if i think about us?

This world is gone to me.
that girl is dead to me
Go ahead, write another
Worthless hateful
letter to me.....

Yesterday, i sat in my room
i found all the shit i saved
the memories of our first everything
and took a match to them
its all gone, all of my stash
the peices of my heart left now with holes
while your kisses mix with ash.

Yesterday, i passed by your locker
and i looked myself in the eyes
i saw the picture we took last month
my heart captured in a moment
you grabbed the picture and ripped it out
you seem to be good at that

[popdisaster530]

awesome song, "sharpie as black as my memories of you" <i really like that part.

[xxMichaelxx]

any other comments?

[foreverfallen]

The first verse seems somewhat awkward; especially with the "marked" and "marks" so close. It didn't flow well in my head, but that's hard to tell without knowing the kind of music it'd go with/singing style and so forth. This I did like:

This world is gone to me.
that girl is dead to me
Go ahead, write another
Worthless hateful
letter to me.....

First time I read that, just sounded good. I like it. I also really like the line "while your kisses mix with ash." But a better verse bringing you to this would make it even more powerful I think.

Also, at the end, it seems incomplete, but maybe that's just me. It's obviously an emotional song, so it seems like it's building up to something--some emotional climax. But the song just seems to end before I got there. I wish there was more to bring it to a better sense of completeness.

But pretty damn good for a rough draft.

[xxMichaelxx]

thanks foreverfallen, i wrote this song about my girlfriend breaking up with me, and i wrote it to leave you hanging on purpose, because thats what she did to me. she broke up with me through a note one day, and i never got any finality on it. sorry if it leaves you dissapointed, but thats how i wrote it, for that effect. ill work on it if you want...

[foreverfallen]

Ah, I see...then you certainly accomplished that...I get that, not bad then...I guess I kinda like that idea.

[xxMichaelxx]

thanks foreverfallen, anybody else want to comment?

[pUnkKid174]

"yesterday, i sat in my room...but the ink was already dry" favourite part...i remember when i did that once...but sadly, im not sorry for it...
are you in a band? that was great stuff...

[xxMichaelxx]

thanks for the compliments, and to answer your question, sort of. i just had a band called saving grace, and we were just starting to get big, but our guitarist moved and the drummers mom wouldnt let him play any more, not to mention the bassist left because of the two to persue his other band fully. so that band got trashed, and now im looking to start another band with my other guy, and we both sang in the other band, but im gonna sing in this one, he is gonna play bass, a new kid is ripping on the axe, and we are currently looking for a drummer. after we get our shit together, we should go into hiding like saddam huissen for a few months and come out with a band, and i believe this one is gonna be called ambivalence. the end.