Illustrations of Mockery

[TK]

So bear with me on this one. It originally started off as a joke with my friends, because we were talking about a girl both of us had been involved with and about her current ex and I was listening to The Weakerthans and this eventually came up. I really liked this, so I thought I see what you guys think.



Good morning:
I hate to headline with bad news
But my life never gives me a respite
So what else can I do?

I knew this would happen,
Our flowers always come with weeds
And they suck and choke the life straight out of me
While you try to run away from the roots that bind you
to some infested stump of what used to be.

I'm withering away in this garden
I cannot stay here, I do not belong.
Just remember,
Our actions always spoke louder than words
And what my actions left blank,
Well, it screams the truth
more than anything I could ever do

So count the fallen petals
spread across the mud
And remember whatever you want
But in the end
I'll know that all they ever did
Was cover the thorns we always knew were there.

[JimGray]

So bear with me on this one. It originally started off as a joke with my friends, because we were talking about a girl both of us had been involved with and about her current ex and I was listening to The Weakerthans and this eventually came up. I really liked this, so I thought I see what you guys think.



Good morning girl,
I hate to start off with bad news
But my life never gives me a respite
So what else can I do?

I knew this would happen,
Our flowers always come with weeds
And they suck and choke the life out of me
While you try to run away from the roots that bind you
to some infested stump of what used to be

I'm withering away.
I don't have much else to say,
Just remember,
Our actions always spoke louder than words
And what my actions left blank,
Well, it screams the truth
more than anything I could ever do.

So count the fallen petals
spread across the mud
And remember whatever you want
But in the end
I'll know that all they ever did
Was cover the thorns we always knew were there

Bold, I liked.

Underline, not so much.

The rest was pretty good.

OJR=7/10

[as_we_learn]

I thought it was kind of boring at parts, but then there were parts that I liked. You should revise this a bit and choose your lines a bit more carefully. The lines that Jim didn't like were the same things I saw as a problem. Haha I agree with everything Jim said to be honest.

[TK]

Thanks for the feedback guys, like the changes any better?

[IWasaCamera]

So bear with me on this one. It originally started off as a joke with my friends, because we were talking about a girl both of us had been involved with and about her current ex and I was listening to The Weakerthans and this eventually came up. I really liked this, so I thought I see what you guys think.

Good morning:
I hate to headline with bad news
But my life never gives me a respite
So what else can I do?

I knew this would happen,
Our flowers always come with weeds
And they suck and choke the life straight out of me
While you try to run away from the roots that bind you
to some infested stump of what used to be.

I'm withering away in this garden
I cannot stay here, I do not belong.
Just remember,
Our actions always spoke louder than words
And what my actions left blank,
Well, it screams the truth
more than anything I could ever do

So count the fallen petals
spread across the mud
And remember whatever you want
But in the end
I'll know that all they ever did
Was cover the thorns we always knew were there.
A few decent lines in there but as a whole, this is riddled with cliches (petals across the mud, thorns, flowers withering away, actions speak louder than words, etc.). I'd also rethink the "good morning" bit at the top.

[intensified]

A few decent lines in there but as a whole, this is riddled with cliches (petals across the mud, thorns, flowers withering away, actions speak louder than words, etc.). I'd also rethink the "good morning" bit at the top.

I agree with this to some extent. It could be taken as "cliche" but I definitely do not see this piece as an ignorant, childish cliche type of piece. I think in something like this, it's okay to be a little cliche because the piece itself has a simple feel to it which I like. I think it has more strong points verses weak points though.

[IWasaCamera]

I agree with this to some extent. It could be taken as "cliche" but I definitely do not see this piece as an ignorant, childish cliche type of piece. I think in something like this, it's okay to be a little cliche because the piece itself has a simple feel to it which I like. I think it has more strong points verses weak points though.
I never qualified the piece as being ignorant. As for it being simple and straightforward, that's fine. Still no need for contrived imagery and word choices in my opinion.

[TK]

Thanks for the feedback.
I know it's cliche, I was waiting for that. I like this for personal reasons, so I guess other people won't because it is, for the most part, cliche and nothing new, but whatever. I'm okay with it.
And whenever I get time to fix this up, I will try to take out the good morning part.

[intensified]

I never qualified the piece as being ignorant. As for it being simple and straightforward, that's fine. Still no need for contrived imagery and word choices in my opinion.

No, I know. I wasn't saying you said it was ignorant. I was comparing it to other ignorant, cliche pieces I have read.

[bootsydan]

I thought the second verse was decent.

[TK]

and the rest was poor?
Haha, I know I'm not going to win any points with this piece,
thanks for the feedback.

[JimGray]

I thought it was kind of boring at parts, but then there were parts that I liked. You should revise this a bit and choose your lines a bit more carefully. The lines that Jim didn't like were the same things I saw as a problem. Haha I agree with everything Jim said to be honest.
:party: