Feel, please review it

[rufio242]

Feel

I feel as if I'll always be alone,
no one seems to be intrested,
Stuck in the duonegen by myself,
Is the way to make me pay,
For the things I've taken for granet,

No song can make it better,
no book can make me forget,
No words can take the pain,
that is left in me forever,

Im stuck as the middle man,
for everyone else's plans,
Sitting in my room,
listening to music,
is the only attempt to escape,

"No, its ok, it doesnt hurt",
remember that line, (what a joke)
i remember saying that as i watch reach your hand up her shirt,
she gives me the look,
You stupid fuck,
thats just my luck,

but it really doesnt bother me anymore,
i've built an immunity,
to the local community,
Just remember,
i was a friend,
now your no friend of mine,
never will I make the same mistake twice,
im stuck alone till the end of time

so with these tears,
i hope you all drowned,
my ghost will be in the boat,
holding anything that floats,
remember what you said,
im better off dead.

[BuriedAlive]

" 'No, its ok, it doesnt hurt",
remember that line, (what a joke)
i remember saying that as i watch reach your hand up her shirt,
she gives me the look,
You stupid fuck,
thats just my luck,"

i really liked this verse besides the "fuck" in it but it does display alot of hatred and anger.


"but it really doesnt bother me anymore,
i've built an immunity,
to the local community,
Just remember,
i was a friend,
now your no friend of mine,
never will I make the same mistake twice,
im stuck alone till the end of time"

this one was pretty poorly written. i also think your closing verse was kinda shaky. this song does need some work. and you need a better start off line. yours is ok.. but i mean it doesnt bring much. plus the whole song is an incomplete thought. it doesnt all flow together.

[rufio242]

thanks, i'll get to work on it. thanks for the insight though

[BuriedAlive]

Originally posted by rufio242
thanks, i'll get to work on it. thanks for the insight though
no problem.. im here to help..

[xxMichaelxx]

This song owns, i want to congradulate you for writing a song that has changed something about me. Well, maybe not, but still, this song is rad. Only thing wrong is you spelled granted wrong in the first verse. other than that, it rules

[rufio242]

thanks xxMichaelxx, im still working on improving what i got. thanks for the spelling tip.

[BuriedAlive]

what is this.... duonegen did you mean dungen?

[rufio242]

maybe...:approve:

[BuriedAlive]

Originally posted by rufio242
maybe...:approve:

oh ok just making sure.

[rufio242]

I feel as if I'll always be alone,
no one seems to be intrested,
Stuck in the dungeon by myself,
Is the way to make me pay,
For the things I've taken for granet,

No song can make it better,
no book can make me forget,
No words can take the pain,
that is left in me forever,

Im stuck as the middle man,
for everyone else's plans,
Sitting in my room,
listening to music,
is the only attempt to escape,

"No, its ok, it doesnt hurt",
remember that line, (what a joke)
i remember saying that as i watch reach your hand up her shirt,
she gives me the look,
Everytime i hear, "your useless,"
it starts to hurt less,

but it really doesnt bother me anymore,
i've built an immunity,
to the local community,
Just remember,
i was a friend,
now your no friend of mine,
never will I make the same mistake twice,
im stuck alone till the end of time

so with these tears,
i hope you all drowned,
my ghost will be in the boat,
holding anything that floats,
Scraping to kept above the water,
hold you down for a little longer,
remember what you always said,
"I think that your better off dead"

its still a work in progress, but feedback would be nice

[rufio242]

anyone have feedback for the revised one??

[ParisInFlames55]

if you had music to go along with it, i could give you better feedback. its not bad though. a few things kind of confused me. but its pretty good overall.