A Dangerous Mind

[thecurerocks182]

Well, after the criticism of my last piece I felt compelled to re-write the piece with much appreciation to those who took the time to give me feedback. I took into consideration a lot of what was said and so i decided to make a new thread for it so it doesnt confuse others. Anyways, I hope this one is better. I actually sat down and gave it time to work itself out.


From my window I watch them play
It’s been six months of indifference
I can pretend to be content and blissful
But then who am I protecting?

Their eyes all bloated by what they saw
Their tongues are as stiff as my body
And so I fall back into a labyrinth of books
Ones that push me to reclusion
Now, shapes change as the darkness beckons me forward

These sounds
This fever
It is coming for me
These dreams
This storm
It is coming for me

This is the weight of the future
Taught us how to work but not to cope
Because I’m at a lost for if god gave me joy
Then now why aren’t I joyous?

I am a stick sharpened at both ends
I am Dresden before the slaughter
And a head placed under a tap of knowledge
Doesn’t mean it knows what’s best for it
Or anyone for that matter

These sounds
This fever
It is coming for me
These dreams
This storm
It is coming for me
And everything that I love

My greatest fear
Is that I’ll let them down
By losing this war
I think I’m losing the war

This pressure
Warps my head
I don’t mean wrong
I just do wrong
-----------------------
suggestions are greatly appreciated as I will be recording the vocals possibly next week. Thanks.

[skitso422]

I couldn't pick up a real rhythm out of this, but if you record it I would like to hear it. It wasn't bad. As for sitting down and trying as hard to fix it as it sounds like you did, I think you might have tried a little too hard, but then again i never saw the original. I like the idea that you've got here, even though its not really my topic of choice, I think you did it decently.

[chaosB4storm]

i like it. it sparked a feeling of guilt. I COULD find a pretty good rhythm in this piece.

Some adivce, the best parts f your poem are when you're NOT trying to be clever/thought-provoking. So i would either suggest sticking to the other ideas you have in your poetry that make it strong, or improve your 'clever' lines.