Rain Can't Put Out Fire

[rufio242]

Rain Can't But Out Fire

As the flames rise,
i'll remember what you told me,
"I wish you would drown in the rain",
just remember who got you out,
The fire rises to the second level,
its getting warming in here,
where was your room,
its hard to see though all this smoke,
Your laying on the bed,
face buried under your pillow,
As i stumble out of the house,
i feel you breath upon me,
i just it happened a different way,
The boards crackle,
the fire has taken control,
The explosion knocks you from my grasps,
i land on the porch,
i remember when we would lay upon the lawn,
with you in my arms,
just looking up at the stars,
but as my vison comes back,
your out side while i am stuck,
"Give me your hand", as you extend your arm,
"Remember what you said"
you didnt mean it,
and i know it,
the door that helped you exscape from me,
comes down to punish me...

it needs some work, and im still working on it.

[xxMichaelxx]

i like mucho. one thing i might suggest though, the two last lines end with me, it sounds kind of redundant, unless redundancy was your effect, i would change it, because having the words rhyme kind of sacrifices the overall effect, thats the only thing i can see though, other than that it owns.

[rufio242]

thanks for the feedback, ill work on the ending.

[MaybeOneDay]

i like mucho. one thing i might suggest though, the two last lines end with me, it sounds kind of redundant, unless redundancy was your effect, i would change it, because having the words rhyme kind of sacrifices the overall effect, thats the only thing i can see though, other than that it owns.
__

[pUnkKid174]

that's great work...kind of stuff that i love to read
like xxMichaelxx said, the last two lines...one of them could be changed but it sounds really good the way it is now...

[rufio242]

As the flames rise,
i'll remember what you told me,
"I wish you would drown in the rain",
just remember who got you out,
The fire rises to the second level,
its getting warming in here,
where was your room,
its hard to see though all this smoke,
Your laying on the bed,
face buried under your pillow,
As i stumble out of the house,
i feel you breath upon me,
i just it happened a different way,
The boards crackle,
the fire has taken control,
The explosion knocks you from my grasps,
i land on the porch,
i remember when we would lay upon the lawn,
with you in my arms,
just looking up at the stars,
but as my vison comes back,
your out side while i am stuck,
"Give me your hand", as you extend your arm,
"Remember what you said"
you didnt mean it,
and i know it,
"I wish you would drown in the rain",
but i think the fire will take me first

does that ending sounds better then before? feedback on that please

[pUnkKid174]

yeah its great that way too...and better

[rufio242]

thanks, i have others but im not sure if i should put them on. if i get good feedback i will put up the others

[xxMichaelxx]

much better, the second time it is said it sounds even sweeter, because it like taps into your memory or something, sorry im high as a kite so i dont make much sense

[rufio242]

haha, i know what you mean. i put it back in for the reader to feel as if it was the last words he said. that would make her feel bad and keep that memory.

[Lueda Alia]

aww I liked that a lot. :D

[rufio242]

thanks, im about to post another 1. hope it gets good feedback as this 1 did.