Untitled

[Timma]

i need some help for a title. it kinda makes sense to me but i'm sure there's something wrong so please help me fix it. dont just rip me.

Runnin cut-throat through the woods
hada coulda can'ta shoulds
Flashin gleam
Lightning team
Blowing off
Headfull of steam
Gut overflowing
Spewing out
Guilty feeling
What about
Can't wait 'til I get home

All roads lead to nowhere
Found out long ago
Kept running, just don't care
Keep runnin for my home

Gasping, try to get some air
Knowing life isn't fair
Catching whats been done
Expecting whats to come
Try to get away
Kept runnin today
Escaping from my thoughts
Hoping I don't get caught
Sleeping this afternoon
Lost my faith
On my way soon
Can't wait 'til I get home

i wrote it pretty fast and i'm not really sure about the last four lines on the second verse.

[skitso422]

i like it a lot, the fast pace and the clever way you lump so many feelings together at once, yet somehow you don't clutter it. at all. I felt a lot like this earlier tonight so i'm glad i read it, and I think it makes a lot more sense to me because of that, but regardless its really interesting. a lot of peopel try to put too many feelings into their writing to explain their sense of being lost, but i love the way you pulled it off.

i dont like the last four lines either, maybe something like

Sleeping my life away
Cuz I Lost my faith
In what I knew
Can't wait 'til I get home

I like that and I think it fits really well... what do you think?

[Timma]

i like the first two lines you gave me. what about this

Sleeping my life away
Cuz I lost my faith
Try to find my way
Can't wait 'til I get home

"try to find my way" kinda a metaphor for finding faith again.

[GhostMachine]

This is just a bunch of garbled shit tossed in a hat and thrown on a page. Its horrible. Use correct grammar and punctuation (especially with the last one you posted). And especially don't write it fast if you can't write like that. It just makes more crap. Take your time with it and try to make the idea into something cohesive.

[skitso422]

yea, i like that too, "try to find my way" works well enough for it haha. I like it.

[thespearkid]

Not a fan of the style. I prefer poems to have real words and correct grammar. I also don't like when poems have two words per line in some spots and randomly jump back to 4-5 words. A strong, sensible structure can be very useful in a poem. Just because you don't need one doesn't mean you shouldn't try to include one anyway.