See Son

[leezer]

Sunrise on the veranda, smothered in an oaky glaze,
tyre tracks on the sand, random circles, mapping the land.
What's all this for if it's all for nothing,
sand dunes mount on our backs as we lie down,
an unwanted crown of pessimism,
kings contemplating olive skin turning to winter blossom.

We take what we can get while we get it,
throw the bookies docket down and lay off a four to one.
Better odds conceeded, while the birds retreated
leaving the best for last.

Rays through the blinds, bleeding the light over everything.
Old bound books littered the shelf, an old man sits in the corner,
looking out, finding it hard but worthy to strain his neck, he looks at the sky,
pondering at the days he let pass him by.

[leezer]

bOmp

[chaosB4storm]

Rays through the blinds, bleeding the light over everything.
Old bound books littered the shelf, an old man sits in the corner,

What's all this for if it's all for nothing,

We take what we can get while we get it,


the lines above are the ones i dont really like. i suggest that you personally should try to stay away from those one liners, or improve them because the other parts of your song are much better.

throw the bookies docket down and lay off a four to one.
Better odds conceeded, while the birds retreated
leaving the best for last.

that was a pretty good line.

umm make sure your lines FLOW from line to line, you did a decent job of that but I think you could improve. Nice imagery. Interesting story.

[leezer]

thanks, much appreciated

[Timma]

good use of imagery and vocabulary. i agree with chaos on the part mainly about "what's all this for if it's all for nothing" i personally dont think it fits there. but good job

[GhostMachine]

Flow is beautiful. Imagery is outstanding and the vocab is amazing. I think the whole thing fits perfectly as is. My favorite line is the last line of the first stanza.

[skitso422]

agree, it flows sooo nicely. I'm actually a fan of what you did with the one liners. The last lines in the 2nd stanza are my favorite for sure.

[leezer]

thanks tim, I'll take a look at the line you dont think fits.
thats very nice of you to say ghost, glad you liked it and same to you skit, cheers

[leezer]

things that go BUMP in the night

[TK]

I like this way more than any other thing you have written. Only thing I really disliked was bleeding the light...

I might leave more feedback later, but then again I procrastinate a lot, so I might not. Either way, nice job.