Ampersand & Ampersand

[stendhal]

the flow may seem a bit off... i assure you it's not. it's quite catchy actually. it's sung in a top hat and cane sort a way. any criticism is appreciated.

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I'm no shepard,
but I've counted flock after flock.
It's 3 am
and I'm still starin' at the clock.
She's no harlot,
but seems to be dressed to fuck.
It's 4 am
when she stumbles in
just passed drunk.

A 'breach of contract'?
I'd have never thought it like that.
Within this light, mixed with your eyes
our little 'plight' goes away
to return another day.

There comes a point when
Your convictions that you wrestle with
interfere with your happiness
and surrending is your best bet.
So, give this mess a rest.

Do we remember
the origins of our conflict?
I know we're both tired and sick of it
our little plight can go away.
Deal with it another day.

There comes a point when
your convictiond that you wrestle with
interfere with your happiness
and surrendering is your best bet.
So give this mess a rest.

[stendhal]

bum ba da bum bum bump

[matt_rawlings]

A 'breach of contract'?
I'd have never thought it like that.


There comes a point when
Your convictions that you wrestle with
interfere with your happiness

Do we remember
the origins of our conflict?




__


Those are the parts of the song I dug (other than the title, which is quite cool as well). The rest of it was just too trite and cheesy for me. Keep cracking at it though. Try leaning away from the more obvious rhymes

[lew_1987]

I agree, I think some of the rhymes are a little cringeworthy (mainly 'away' and 'day'), but are there some good bits here worth working on. The harlot bit was pretty cringeworthy too.

[stendhal]

I seem to have a bad habit of writing something decent, then getting excited or restless and finishing it off too quickly. Without real thought or inspiration. Hence the cringeworthy half-assed rhymes.

Thank you for your input. I'll revise and take a bit more time writing.

Thanks again, you two.

[stendhal]

The harlot bit was pretty cringeworthy too.

...also, what was cringeworthy about this? was it the imagery? choice of words? subject altogether? all of the above?

[lew_1987]

...also, what was cringeworthy about this? was it the imagery? choice of words? subject altogether? all of the above?

all of the above really. the use of the word 'harlot' seemed awkward, and the line following it was even worse.

[stendhal]

all of the above really. the use of the word 'harlot' seemed awkward, and the line following it was even worse.


gotcha...i'll see if i can remedy the awkwardness.

thanks again.

[leezer]

I didn't mind the harlot bit, was a bit like a 'fuck you' line. I actually didn't mind this piece at all but it seemed like you wanted it to be too many things. I have that problem too, I start off with an idea and try to conquer the world with it, which is brilliant in theory but it's not intrspective enough. I like the I'm no shepherd line, I didn't get it at first but it's good. The only thing with an idea like that is it come across a bit everclearish which by itself is ok but it's a bit out of step with the rest of the piece. Maybe if you wanted to include it you could further into the piece although it could also work in the context you have it if you adjust the rhythm of the rest of the piece. what kind of structure is this? It's quite interesting

[!&marlboro&!]

I disagree with just about everyone here on the "harlot bit" as it is being called. I think it has been misread. She's "no" harlot, the word harlot does have a negative connotation, so, because I am female, I would like it very much for people to go around saying I'm "not" a harlot. "but seems to be dressed to fuck" let's not be judgemental, I would put money on the fact everyone one at one point or another gets dressed in their best to draw attention, Stendhal is just portraying that image in a very blunt way, why sugar coat it?

[fifpb99]

I like everything except the first verse. It has nothing to do with flow, or imagery, or the 'harlot bit', I just feel like the rest of the song was much better and had a lot more thought put into it. Also, I think the 'cheesy' rhymes fit well with the style of music you are going for. (not to say there aren't better replacement words, but you could keep it the way it is and it would be fine imo.) A few revisions will make it great though so keep working on it.

[chaosB4storm]

the harlot bit is fine imo.

our little 'plight' goes away
to return another day.

This is the only part that I really don't like because it doesn't flow too well and the rhyming is obvious.

Otherwise, you reflect a certain attitude very well and portray pretty decent imagery. Like you said though, try to write with inspiration all the time instead of throwing in filler lines and stanzas. Also, the use of alliterations and assonances (I believe that's what they're called but I could be wrong) can improve your flow.