knuckle deep.

[stendhal]

the sweet minds that tell me 'they don't'
can't cross the borderline
she's too busy counting inches
that fall from her waist
when the fingers cease to be down her throat
she still can't give it a rest

turgid jowl of let me downs...
searching for a lighter crown.

danced with amphetimine
hid it in the basement
crashed into a hard rest
help out with the tasteless
who knows where her sense went?
i know where her sense went

she's got a heavy heart
that in one beat she'd trade it
for a duffle bag and some street smarts
i've got no help to lend
a poor excuse of a friend
sure as shit is gonna trade it
for a duffle bag
and fare for a cab

coming down on the wrong side of the clock
stringing out, running a blue mouth
missing out on the right side of the sun
pawning the heaviest of crowns.

[stendhal]

bump.

[stendhal]

this one's a bit more personal. any advice on improving?

[h0merg0mez]

I really like your writings...the only thing I would change is the word choice...maybe seeming a bit more down-to-earth. Because word choices like "turgid jowl" and some of the seemingly random imagery (running a blue mouth, missing out on the right side of the sun) passes right over my head. But you're probably my favorite writer on this board...there's usually a verse or at least a few lines that are just outstanding in every piece. This verse really jumped out at me....

she's got a heavy heart
that in one beat she'd trade it
for a duffle bag and some street smarts
i've got no help to lend
a poor excuse of a friend
sure as shit is gonna trade it
for a duffle bag
and fare for a cab

[SteveD]

I agree with h0merg0mez.

Your writing is very well done.

[stendhal]

I really like your writings...the only thing I would change is the word choice...maybe seeming a bit more down-to-earth. Because word choices like "turgid jowl" and some of the seemingly random imagery (running a blue mouth, missing out on the right side of the sun) passes right over my head. But you're probably my favorite writer on this board...there's usually a verse or at least a few lines that are just outstanding in every piece. This verse really jumped out at me....


thanks for reading, i appreciate your input.

the 'turgid jowls' bit was the most tasteful way to bring about the subjectr of a heavy-set person. But i may have failed in painting the right picture.

the other two ('blue mouth', 'sun') are about talking til you're blue in the face and staying up all night on amphetimines.

thank you again.

[stendhal]

I agree with h0merg0mez.

Your writing is very well done.

thank you.

and thank you for reading.