Coffee Shop

[as_we_learn]

I found this girl in a coffee shop,
sitting poised behind me with her life tucked aside.
Brown eyes reflected from her glasses illuminate the sky.
I don't think she notices the beauty she hides
within the thoughts she keeps incased her head.

I feel my knees begin to buckle,
as I put my lips to my cup filled with caffeine.
The sugar seems to fill this void that is hidden
deep beneath the crush of her sweet smile.

The stars seem to sparkle everytime she notices
everytime I look over.
And it's all by chance I sit here dying,
but I'm not sure if I'm better than this.
I know that we'd be better than this.

I'll write on the shade of your skin
and keep every secret outside.
Hoping to hell I'd feel perfect in your mind.

[TK]

I thought this had some good lines throughout, but the majority was pretty average. Not bad, but it just seemed too bland to me. Do you know what I mean?

Just to end on a positive note, I can see me hearing this as a song and liking it.

[JessieVain]

Just to end on a positive note, I can see me hearing this as a song and liking it.

i agree...you should think about turning this into a song.

[xmy.only.exitx]

i think its pretty average and reaches nowhere. but i agree with some music with it, it might be good.

[salmarnirecho]

sorry, didn't like it. it seems like you kinda cloaked old cliches with different language, and that works sometimes. It just didn't here.

I did kinda like the last three lines though.

[chaosB4storm]

sorry, didn't like it. it seems like you kinda cloaked old cliches with different language, and that works sometimes. It just didn't here.

I did kinda like the last three lines though.

i agree with this except the last three lines force me to say that I like the poem.

[as_we_learn]

I thought this had some good lines throughout, but the majority was pretty average. Not bad, but it just seemed too bland to me. Do you know what I mean?

Just to end on a positive note, I can see me hearing this as a song and liking it.


i agree...you should think about turning this into a song.


i think its pretty average and reaches nowhere. but i agree with some music with it, it might be good.

sorry, didn't like it. it seems like you kinda cloaked old cliches with different language, and that works sometimes. It just didn't here.

I did kinda like the last three lines though.

i agree with this except the last three lines force me to say that I like the poem.
Well I've been looking over all your comments and I feel that the last three lines are going to stay, but the rest is going to be scraped. I think I can get somehting good written down, but I am revising right now. Thanks for all your input.

[aidan1029]

It's mediocre by my standards, but I admire the bravery in posting it.

[TK]

It's mediocre by my standards, but I admire the bravery in posting it.

haha, and what do you define your standards by? Post something.