Save you.

[fifpb99]

I want to be the one who saves you,
from the bees that relentlessly sting.
But you're a flower that is not in season,
so I'm helpless as they poison the entire thing.

I want to be the one who saves you,
from the sharks that smell you when you bleed.
But the waves keep you out of reach,
so I'm helpless in watching them as they feed.

I want to be the one who hides you,
From the foxes that track their next meal.
But you're father has abandoned his chick here,
so I'm helpless as I'm forced to hear your squeal.

I've watched you love like you're an open wound,
the blood seeps out and they're there to fill their throat.
I've watched you hurt like you're a sinking ship,
the tears leak out and I'm there to keep you afloat.




Although I'm happy with the meaning of this I know its not perfect so feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

[brknhrtdbritt]

i actually really liked the main idea.....

[fifpb99]

Thats what I'm happy with too... I have to work on the flow lol but it'll get there over time.

[brknhrtdbritt]

ya i just printed it out if you dont mind... ima give it to one of my guy friends because he is kinda feelin like this... he will love it

[MCSmate]

Thats what I'm happy with too... I have to work on the flow lol but it'll get there over time.

I agree on working with the flow. I do this was a good 'first' draft, I guess.

I like the first verse the best though. Good job.

[checkered.stars]

It felt a bit forced and the last two lines seemed a bit off. Other then that, it was good.

[fifpb99]

Draft 2 -- flows a bit better.




I want to be the one who saves you,
from the bees that relentlessly sting.
But you're a flower that is not in season,
so I'm helpless as they poison the entire thing.

I want to be the one who saves you,
from the ocean and it's fatal waves.
But I'm a boat with a porcelain bow,
so I'm afraid that you can't be saved.

I want to be the one who saves you,
from the deadly and frightening fall.
But I'm a chute that hasn't learned how to open,
and the wind was too loud to hear your call.

I've watched you love like an open wound,
and I've watched you hurt like a broken bone.
I've watched you cry in the afternoon,
and I've watched as others have taken you home.

[TK]

Nice job^

[fifpb99]

Thanks man I liked that one a bit better as well.

[<3MCR]

i really like the second draft :)