"These Thoughts In My Head"

[unholyxsongs]

This is a bit emo, but..
please, some feedback?

[v1]
Life after death,
is it real?
I've heard about it,
sounded pretty surreal.

[bridge]
Can I be the one,
to take the chance?
For I, don't care what happens next. [x2]

[v2]
I've thought of it many times,
but they stopped me before.
Everytime i see razorblades,
I think "Bloody Galore!"

[chorus]
Day after day,
these thoughts go through my mind.
Hey, after what happened.
What did you expect to find?

[v3]
"Never-ending life"
I hate the thought of it.
Wishing each day is my last.
"KILL ME NOW!" I will yell.
Everyday.

[Bridge x2]

[chorus x2]

[checkered.stars]

Your word phrasing does not flow very well, especially in the first stanza and in the bridge. It was good though. I liked the chorus.

[GhostMachine]

The flow is terrible. The idea is terrible. Try to write something that hasn't been written over a million times.

[chaosB4storm]

The flow is terrible. The idea is terrible. Try to write something that hasn't been written over a million times.

Basically, this.

And almost everything I said about your other poem.

[fifpb99]

Obviously whether religion, creation, and God are real or fake plays a big part in most peoples lives, whether they believe, don't or are confused as to what to think. So I can't hate you for that idea. But the flow is really bad. All the verses need to be reworked. V1 is too short and doesn't flow well, and V2 and V3 don't flow at all. The bridge is alright but could be worked on and as someone already said the chorus is the best part of the whole thing.

I would lay out the bridge like this too by the way:


I will be the one to take that chance,
Because I don't care what happens next.