Transparent

[Vemynal]

Well, this is a short poem I wrote when I was bored. I don't have much to say about it, other than I feel like there's something very missing in it. It feels a bit incomplete to me, but I'd be happy to hear your opinions.



The shadows are becoming hard to define
That's how much my eyes hurt,
Unsuccessful in finding the line
That's cutting the sky from earth

As the cars speed by I'm becoming transparent,
Just like the roads they are wounding
And it ceases to matter where they're going
'Cause they'll end up driving in circles again

Until the end of time

[xmy.only.exitx]

i think the parts with shadows becoming hard to define and driving in circles have been used too many times before. i can see what you were driving at but if you just brought up some more original imagery, one that no one has tried before, find connections between a and z, and take that out in your poem it would be a lot better.

[leezer]

shows a bit of promise. sort of. keep working on it.

[Vemynal]

Thank you both for your critics. I wasn't really trying to make it stand out, but I liked how it sounded in the end.
I'll certainly try to improve. :)

[GhostMachine]

Well, this is a short poem I wrote when I was bored. I don't have much to say about it, other than I feel like there's something very missing in it. It feels a bit incomplete to me, but I'd be happy to hear your opinions.



The shadows are becoming hard to define
That's how much my eyes hurt,
Unsuccessful in finding the line
That's cutting the sky from earth

As the cars speed by I'm becoming transparent,
Just like the roads they are wounding
And it ceases to matter where they're going
'Cause they'll end up driving in circles again

Until the end of time


The only thing that seemed confusing to me was the word I bolded. I'm not sure, but the way the lines after that go it should probably be winding. It just threw me off when I read it cause it stopped the flow completely, and before that it was almost perfect.

Otherwise, I like the piece. It could definitely be expanded on.

[Vemynal]

Awww, but I like that word... lol
Hmm, I see what you're saying about the flow. I just thought wounding would kind of fit, since the roads get worn-out over time.

Thanks a lot for your critic. =)

[GhostMachine]

I get what you're saying about the way roads wear out over time, but in my opinion it just didn't fit the way the stanza read. I felt more like it was talking about where they were going over how they were.