Finding Home

[GhostMachine]

The way I wrote it in my head has sort of a blues feel to the singing...kind of like The Black Keys. And it could probably use some tinkering. Feedback would be awesome though.


I watched the moon run over the skies,
found my eyes wide open when the sun arrived,
couldn't stand to keep on moving,
even though my legs seemed to do what they want.

I've lost my way trying to get back home,
and though no one will help,
I think I'll be okay,
even if I'm on my own,
I got the thought of home in my head and it keeps me strong.

City streets glaring at me as I squint my eyes just to handle the lights,
I find myself wandering through,
dark alleys just to escape from the fools that keep gold on their minds,
I suffered enough with loss of peace and I don't wanna lose anymore at this time.

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
I know I'll never hitch a ride.

I found more of myself as I did search,
began to realize who I am without all the pain that hurts,
I kept my mind from falling apart,
and still I struggle to find my heart,
but this road keeps me going no matter how much of a mess I am.

I lost my way trying to get home,
even though I don't know where it was to begin,
the ending of this journey won't be important.

[bootsydan]

This is pretty darn good I say.

That in mind, I'm going to quote the bits I didn't like:

and though no one will help

I don't understand this line. You expect people to help you get home when you're lost? People you don't know? If you're lost, get your mobile out and call somebody. If you got nobody to call, then don't say 'and though no one will help' say 'I have no one to help me out'. It's a small difference, but an important one I think. Cause saying 'and though no one will help' makes it sound like you assume people should be helping you. The only way you can get away with saying 'and though no one will help' is by adding a line in front of it like 'I'm waving down cars and asking for a lift'.

got the thought of home in my head and it keeps me strong.

In the context of the song I don't understand this. I got the impression home is not a happy place, but in this line I get the opposite reaction.

and though cars go by slow,
no one stops to help me along this road.

Again, I don't understand why you expect people you don't know to pull over and help you out.

and still I struggle to find my heart,

This is probably just a personal thing, but I dislike it when people start getting all sentimental and throw the word 'heart' around like it all of a sudden has so much meaning.

the ending of this journey won't be important.

I'm indifferent about this line. At first I didn't like it. But reading over it a second time I did like it. See I think it depends. If this is sung in a lighthearted kind of way, the last line is ok. But if it's song in a sad kind of way, then this kind of comes across as a whinge. An attempt for pity or something.


All in all, pretty good though I say. Most of it was a good read.

[GhostMachine]

This is pretty darn good I say.

That in mind, I'm going to quote the bits I didn't like:

and though no one will help

I don't understand this line. You expect people to help you get home when you're lost? People you don't know? If you're lost, get your mobile out and call somebody. If you got nobody to call, then don't say 'and though no one will help' say 'I have no one to help me out'. It's a small difference, but an important one I think. Cause saying 'and though no one will help' makes it sound like you assume people should be helping you. The only way you can get away with saying 'and though no one will help' is by adding a line in front of it like 'I'm waving down cars and asking for a lift'.


got the thought of home in my head and it keeps me strong.

In the context of the song I don't understand this. I got the impression home is not a happy place, but in this line I get the opposite reaction.

and though cars go by slow,
no one stops to help me along this road.

Again, I don't understand why you expect people you don't know to pull over and help you out.

and still I struggle to find my heart,

This is probably just a personal thing, but I dislike it when people start getting all sentimental and throw the word 'heart' around like it all of a sudden has so much meaning.

the ending of this journey won't be important.

I'm indifferent about this line. At first I didn't like it. But reading over it a second time I did like it. See I think it depends. If this is sung in a lighthearted kind of way, the last line is ok. But if it's song in a sad kind of way, then this kind of comes across as a whinge. An attempt for pity or something.


All in all, pretty good though I say. Most of it was a good read.


I always enjoy reading your comments and I greatly appreciate them. I do understand what you say about some parts, like throwing heart around and and the last line. I do think I'll change the line "and though no one will help" to "and though I have no one to help me out".

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
no one stops to help me along this road.

I think I'm going to change that to this:

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
I know I'm going to be on my own for now.

As for the others, I see what you mean but I think that some of its left up to interpretation. Again thanks for the comment.

[GhostMachine]

Bump

[TK]

I thought it was quite good, although the flow seemed a bit off at times.

[GhostMachine]

I thought it was quite good, although the flow seemed a bit off at times.


Yeah, it didn't work out when its read but when I sing it, its pretty good.

Small question: what do you think of the change from the original stanza to what I might change it to?

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
no one stops to help me along this road.

I think I'm going to change that to this:

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
I know I'm going to be on my own for now

[TK]

Yeah, it didn't work out when its read but when I sing it, its pretty good.

Small question: what do you think of the change from the original stanza to what I might change it to?

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
no one stops to help me along this road.

I think I'm going to change that to this:

I've lost my way trying to get home,
found darkness where I roam,
and though cars go by slow,
I know I'm going to be on my own for now


Personally, if you don't mind me giving advice for a line, how about:
I know I'll never hitch a ride

If not, I do like the change better than the original, simply because the rhyming in the original stanza got old.

[GhostMachine]

Actually, I love that line. If you don't mind me using it, I'll definitely put it in there.

[chaosB4storm]

the second one is better.

And I really like "I know I'll never hitch a ride"

[TK]

Actually, I love that line. If you don't mind me using it, I'll definitely put it in there.

I don't mind at all.

Got a question though, are you in a band?

[GhostMachine]

I don't mind at all.

Got a question though, are you in a band?


Nope.

[TK]

Nope.

Do you record music at all?

[GhostMachine]

No, I don't have the equipment for it. I'd love to though.