Structure

[leezer]

Sunlight wets every inch of the road
but we only feel safe in the shade.
Wood's wasted on decoration,
like youth on the young.

But the knots will tell,
into splinter burst,
breaking from the middle,
racing to be the first.

As the crow flies he hides his destination,
so we must go as the river flows,
where it stops we lay our hats in mourning.

The day breaks
or cracks at a sinew.
Baby footsteps become adult-sized intentions,
dreams paused for another lifetime.

[xmy.only.exitx]

the rhythm felt sort of jerky and the second verse seemed out of place and insignificant. the last two lines were good.

[leezer]

the rhythm felt sort of jerky and the second verse seemed out of place and insignificant. the last two lines were good.


Thanks. Yeah it was a bit jerky, I noticed that on reading but it suited the transitory nature of how I was feeling at the time.

[bootsydan]

Sunlight wets every inch of the road
but we only feel safe in the shade.

I don't quite get how you associate sunlight with safety.

And if what you're really saying is hanging out on the road is not safe - then I don't understand why you're telling me this either. Cause that's the kind of thing you pick up around 5 or 6 years old.

Wood's wasted on decoration,
like youth on the young.

How are the woods being wasted? An don't tell me 'on decoration'. Cause that means nothing.

I like the second line.

But the knots will tell,
into splinter burst,
breaking from the middle,
racing to be the first.

This is almost good. I just don't think you ending on 'racing to be the first' is profound enough. Or it doesn't relate enough to anything. But it's not bad.

As the crow flies he hides his destination,
so we must go as the river flows,
where it stops we lay our hats in mourning.

Does the crow really hide his destination?
And if he does, does that really mean we have to go where the river flows?

I don't think those two lines follow one another at all logically.

And I know you're being metaphoric with the river thing, but it's a pretty big thing to say 'we' as in 'everyone' mourns when it stops. That's a personal opinoin that you've presented as a fact. Probably not the best idea.

The day breaks
or cracks at a sinew.
Baby footsteps become adult-sized intentions,
dreams paused for another lifetime.

This is a pretty good ender.

[bootsydan]

I don't know why all that is in big font.

[as_we_learn]

Ok so there are lines that I liked a whole lot, but the flow is a bit awkward at points. I love the ideas you have such as the youth being wasted on the young. You should revise this immediately because I see an amazing piece brewing in it.

[leezer]

Sunlight wets every inch of the road
but we only feel safe in the shade.

I don't quite get how you associate sunlight with safety.

And if what you're really saying is hanging out on the road is not safe - then I don't understand why you're telling me this either. Cause that's the kind of thing you pick up around 5 or 6 years old.

Wood's wasted on decoration,
like youth on the young.

How are the woods being wasted? An don't tell me 'on decoration'. Cause that means nothing.

I like the second line.

But the knots will tell,
into splinter burst,
breaking from the middle,
racing to be the first.

This is almost good. I just don't think you ending on 'racing to be the first' is profound enough. Or it doesn't relate enough to anything. But it's not bad.

As the crow flies he hides his destination,
so we must go as the river flows,
where it stops we lay our hats in mourning.

Does the crow really hide his destination?
And if he does, does that really mean we have to go where the river flows?

I don't think those two lines follow one another at all logically.

And I know you're being metaphoric with the river thing, but it's a pretty big thing to say 'we' as in 'everyone' mourns when it stops. That's a personal opinoin that you've presented as a fact. Probably not the best idea.

The day breaks
or cracks at a sinew.
Baby footsteps become adult-sized intentions,
dreams paused for another lifetime.

This is a pretty good ender.





Thanks for taking so much time. I see where you are coming from with everything you say but I'll try to explain a bit of it. The line wood's wasted on decoration was a reference to inlays and little carved decorations on tables. I felt at odds with the fact that something had to be taken away from a piece of wood to make it more decorative when it's beautiful in its natural form.

The crow hiding is destination is about selecting a path in life, maybe the easy path, but finding out that there will still be surprises so we might as well go the long route and enjoy the journey.

thanks again

[leezer]

Ok so there are lines that I liked a whole lot, but the flow is a bit awkward at points. I love the ideas you have such as the youth being wasted on the young. You should revise this immediately because I see an amazing piece brewing in it.

I would definately agree with you that this needs revising. I also agree that the flow is awkward and I thought about that for a while before posting. I don't think it works as a linear construct because the verses only have a thin link running through them and it's not necessarily chronological, thanks for commenting, I'll work on it.

[bootsydan]

Thanks for taking so much time. I see where you are coming from with everything you say but I'll try to explain a bit of it. The line wood's wasted on decoration was a reference to inlays and little carved decorations on tables. I felt at odds with the fact that something had to be taken away from a piece of wood to make it more decorative when it's beautiful in its natural form.

The crow hiding is destination is about selecting a path in life, maybe the easy path, but finding out that there will still be surprises so we might as well go the long route and enjoy the journey.

You telling it to me like this was way more interesting than the way you said it in your lyrics.

[leezer]

In the words of oliver, *BUMP*

[TK]

Too be honest, I thought this could be less vague.

The first stanza is very awkward to read.
The second stanza was decent.
The third stanza was okay as well.
The last stanza was my favorite part of the whole

[leezer]

Too be honest, I thought this could be less vague.

The first stanza is very awkward to read.
The second stanza was decent.
The third stanza was okay as well.
The last stanza was my favorite part of the whole

Thanks im going to give this one another look.

[!&marlboro&!]

Hey, I decided to stop reading other comments on this before I comment because I love this so much I don't want my opinion influenced at first. If I repeat what others have said, I am sorry.

This is beautiful and the imagery is amazing, my favorite is the second stanza because if I understand it correctly, it describes human nature to perfection.


I did read the beginning of the third comment you received and I believe you are very misunderstood. Safety is associated with shade, the little bit there is, and the sunlight would be the vast unkown, which we fear, or something to that effect right? If so, you found a great way to pull it off.

"Wood's wasted on decoration", we suck the life out of each other and ourselves for the sake of apperance, nice! "like youth on the young" on the other hand, I get it and it's a great line but it has been done.

K...the third stanza I have a little trouble with. Why must we follow the river because the crow hides his destination?

The last stanza is really good as well, the last two lines tie it all together to bring about your point for the whole thing.

What I mean in all of this talk is...I really "get" this piece. I love it. If I am off base on anything, I'm not sure if I want to know, or just remain oblivious. Meh, I'll leave it up to you.

[!&marlboro&!]

K...I read the other comments and still feel like I'm on base with your intent. I read your clarification to bootsydan and I now understand the crow and the river thing. You may want to look at revising that part particularly because from your explanation, once again, I love it, but the stanza should stand without the explanation. I look forward to more of your stuff.

[chaosB4storm]

this is a classic example of a poem I find very confusing and difficult to understand, and jumpy in meaning.....but somehow really like it anyways. good job. (i purposely didn't read your explanations because poems should be able to stand alone without an explanation)