Forgiven

[fifpb99]

Gonna work on a second draft...

[leezer]

Its hard to get something this personal across without being desciptive but you should try it. To me this just reads like a 'so this is what happened' poem. I don't mean to shit on your work but its just so straight-forward. First stanza wasn't bad. Do a 2nd and 3rd draft. Submit your third and I'll re-read.

[xmy.only.exitx]

even though this may not pass technically as very good but it definitely has something that makes you want to like it.

[fifpb99]

Its hard to get something this personal across without being desciptive but you should try it. To me this just reads like a 'so this is what happened' poem. I don't mean to shit on your work but its just so straight-forward. First stanza wasn't bad. Do a 2nd and 3rd draft. Submit your third and I'll re-read.

I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't want people to tell me how to improve it. In a day or 2 I'll try a 2nd draft and try what you said.