Water

[thejaredens]

Fire flows out of cherubims mouths
Like sapphires from the dark
the coldness claims the pageant queens
releasing Demn sparks

the water brushes across youre face
the monsters sing the tune
as fire flows from cherubs mouths
the colds awaiting you

So let the seaweed wrap your legs
And let blood soak the once sinless ground
let your soul escape
Youre worth so much more in this cold

Let the calmness of the sea
paint songs within your memory
as you are floating through the sea
let me guide you in your dreams

as darkness paves your wicked heart
release the cold and honest part
no lie , no withering devils branch
will save you from this great expanse of air

" Watch me , drown in the sea
as water whips against my face
release the wicked flood by grace" .

[GhostMachine]

This could use a lot of work. It never really picks up a flow and the imagery never really goes too deep.

[h0merg0mez]

Very metal in parts.

[thejaredens]

This could use a lot of work. It never really picks up a flow and the imagery never really goes too deep.

okey thanks for the info .. I am working on it right now actually ... its about one of my friends who fell in a lake and drowned .. so I am trying to capture her thoughts or what the water thought ... I dont know if that makes sense .. also its two songs that I wrote put together so I was having some trouble trying to piece the ideas and lyrics so that they fit ... also I think the last line is sorta lame so I am working on that

[checkered.stars]

Yeah the flow definitely needs some work and it should be a bit more focused. It's just all over the place.

Edit: I'm sorry that you lost your friend.

[SuicideKing]

okey thanks for the info .. I am working on it right now actually ... its about one of my friends who fell in a lake and drowned .. so I am trying to capture her thoughts or what the water thought ... I dont know if that makes sense .. also its two songs that I wrote put together so I was having some trouble trying to piece the ideas and lyrics so that they fit ... also I think the last line is sorta lame so I am working on that


i'm sorry to hear about your friend... i agree with the comments/suggestions so far, it needs a lot of work focusing and finding a flow... however, i think you should know that i think writing from the water's perspective is a REALLY cool idea