i fell in love with death

[SuicideKing]

Last night…

I fell in love with Death
When she asked for a light, then a cigarette
And said “I’ve got time to kill…
Do you do it for the thrill…?”


Her voice was the whisper
Of wind over grass, and her eyes held the flicker
Of fresh broken glass, and I
Couldn’t help hoping to die…


Just for the weight of her
Hand around mine, as she carries me from earth.

[SuicideKing]

so, i wanted to write a series of poems about a gravedigger and the conversations he has with the angel of death... i just hammered this out tonight and was wondering what people would think about it... i know it's short, i do plan on expanding it a lot more if i can get some feedback... feel free to tear into it or say something positive, ANY comments are much appreciated

[stendhal]

first off, i really do like the idea you have here. to me, it has the possibilty of being creative and not contrived (depending on execution).

as a smoker, i love the first stanza, (although, upon a second reading, i realized that the order of death's questions are off... wouldn't she ask for a cigarette THEN a light?) it paints a nice picture in my mind.

second stanza is also good.

i look forward to reading the rest in the series.

[SuicideKing]

first off, i really do like the idea you have here. to me, it has the possibilty of being creative and not contrived (depending on execution).

as a smoker, i love the first stanza, (although, upon a second reading, i realized that the order of death's questions are off... wouldn't she ask for a cigarette THEN a light?) it paints a nice picture in my mind.

second stanza is also good.

i look forward to reading the rest in the series.

first off, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment!

second, i'm really glad you caught the the cigarette thing, because it's intentional... i was referencing a scene from an old Humphrey Bogart movie... it's this really sexy scene where the woman tricks him into giving her a smoke by asking for the lighter first... so i was trying to capture that playful, flirtatious mood

[stendhal]

ahhh, i see.

i dig.

[SuicideKing]

no one else likes it? no one else HATES it? i know you all can be more vocal... consider this thread [bumped]

[thejaredens]

I thought it was quite briliant .. and I would love to hear the rest of the stuff ... its original and a little different ..

[chaosB4storm]

Great poem. Very good idea, and executed with originality. It's short, but it does what it needs to. Well done.

[thegraveyard]

The Rhymes just kinda felt forced to me.

"Her voice was the whisper
Of wind over grass"

that was a really good line, i liked it.

as for the Kill/thrill and the I/Die and a few of the Off rhymes, they were kinda of a killer in it. If they were clever thymes, i think that would make it better, but many people have used those types of rhymes before. But this is just my opinion. I also liked the idea of the series that you have going. Keep it up. Keep writing.

[SuicideKing]

thanks for the comments guys!


The Rhymes just kinda felt forced to me.

"Her voice was the whisper
Of wind over grass"

that was a really good line, i liked it.

as for the Kill/thrill and the I/Die and a few of the Off rhymes, they were kinda of a killer in it. If they were clever thymes, i think that would make it better, but many people have used those types of rhymes before. But this is just my opinion. I also liked the idea of the series that you have going. Keep it up. Keep writing.



i understand where you're coming from, but i was hoping that the idea behind the poem would be able to afford a little grace when it comes to the simple rhyming... i'm working on lengthening this a good deal, and i'll try and pay a little more attention to creating more interesting rhymes... thanks for the feedback =]

[chaosB4storm]

thanks for the comments guys!






i understand where you're coming from, but i was hoping that the idea behind the poem would be able to afford a little grace when it comes to the simple rhyming... i'm working on lengthening this a good deal, and i'll try and pay a little more attention to creating more interesting rhymes... thanks for the feedback =]

you're right

[bailmeout13]

I like the "Fell In Love With Death" aspect. I am not really one to critique it, my poetry is just straight free-writing that takes that form. I liked the poem though, lines four and five seemed very familiar to me for some reason.

[chaosB4storm]

I would like to let you know that the title of this poem really threw me off and made me not want to read it, just because most poems that get posted on here about death are extremely horrid.

I'm not telling you to change the name of it, but I think it might make it mroe appealing to the audience you seem to be looking for.

[SuicideKing]

I would like to let you know that the title of this poem really threw me off and made me not want to read it, just because most poems that get posted on here about death are extremely horrid.

I'm not telling you to change the name of it, but I think it might make it mroe appealing to the audience you seem to be looking for.


i'll admit that i was REALLY hesitant to post it with that title... but i was stumped for a more clever title... i'm sure i'll revise it eventually...