We're As Big As Giants But We Can't Climb This Hill

[TK]

The panels decayed
On top of stripped rooftops
All the cars drove away
And left us empty parking lots

Our seats were mounted
In wet cement
Our actions have become
The drying winds

We're becoming statues
More and more everyday
The birds are coming after us
Soon we won't be able to walk away
And they will use us
As shitting grounds
And they will use us
As perching mounds
Each and every day...

In vacant playgrounds
Where our spirits used to play
We dug our own ditches
Behind abandoned park benches
Where we sat idly and gave way
To the hours passing us by

We sat together and stood alone
We walked together and ran alone
And we lived together and we died alone
And we died alone, we died alone

[stendhal]

I dig this.

To me, it seems very soft. Easy on the ears. Like the way you use 'shitting' ... it's direct, yet soft.

The last two lines sound (to me) like a melencholy Chuck Palahniuk. (that's a good thing)

Good job, tk.

[TK]

I dig this.

To me, it seems very soft. Easy on the ears. Like the way you use 'shitting' ... it's direct, yet soft.

The last two lines sound (to me) like a melencholy Chuck Palahniuk. (that's a good thing)

Good job, tk.

Thanks, I was wondering how my use of "shitting" would come off.

And thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[chaosB4storm]

I think the entire poem is great except for the first verse. And I like the idea of the first verse, it's just didn't seem to flow well and I didn't like the rhyme.

Very well done though, excellent imagery.

[bootsydan]

The panels decayed
On top of stripped rooftops
All the cars drove away
And left us empty parking lots

Good.

Our seats were mounted
In wet cement
Our actions have become
The drying winds

Good.

We're becoming statues
More and more everyday
The birds are coming after us
Soon we won't be able to walk away
And they will use us
As shitting grounds
And they will use us
As perching mounds
Each and every day...

Don't like the use of "we're" and "us". In regards to the whole verse. Because my interpretation of it is that you're using these types of words throughout the piece not in regards to you and one other person, but in regards to everyone as a human race. So when you say "We're becoming statues" to me it comes across as preachy.

But in this verse if you were to say "I'm becoming a statue...." etc... then I think I would like this.

Actually, that's not completely true. I don't like it how you say "The birds are coming after us". The only person who can get away with insane statements like that is Alfred Hitchcock.

What I did like about this verse though is the idea of us being a statue, and not being able to move as birds shit on us and perch on us.

In vacant playgrounds
Where our spirits used to play
We dug our own ditches
Behind abandoned park benches
Where we sat idly and gave way
To time's cold hand

Only thing I don't like about this is 'times cold hand'. I don't like the use of a physical description 'cold' in relation to a non physical thing 'time'. It makes it sound like you're trying too hard to be metaphoric and meaningful.

We sat together and stood alone
We walked together and ran alone
And we lived together and we died alone
And we died alone, we died alone

Don't like this. Mainly cause I don't get it. Why did you sit together but not stand together? Where we're you? etc... etc...

Once again, to me it sounds like you're trying to hard to be meaningful. Especially the way you end on life/death.


For the most part though, pretty good.

[TK]

We're becoming statues
More and more everyday
The birds are coming after us
Soon we won't be able to walk away
And they will use us
As shitting grounds
And they will use us
As perching mounds
Each and every day...

Don't like the use of "we're" and "us". In regards to the whole verse. Because my interpretation of it is that you're using these types of words throughout the piece not in regards to you and one other person, but in regards to everyone as a human race. So when you say "We're becoming statues" to me it comes across as preachy.

But in this verse if you were to say "I'm becoming a statue...." etc... then I think I would like this.

Actually, that's not completely true. I don't like it how you say "The birds are coming after us". The only person who can get away with insane statements like that is Alfred Hitchcock.

What I did like about this verse though is the idea of us being a statue, and not being able to move as birds shit on us and perch on us.


Well, I was in fact talking about two people. But I understand it coming off as preachy, and really did like the idea of turning this piece to I instead of we/us. Although I thought that it would alienate the reader, and take off from my meaning(which is two people), although I guess it wouldn't change it too much.

In vacant playgrounds
Where our spirits used to play
We dug our own ditches
Behind abandoned park benches
Where we sat idly and gave way
To time's cold hand

Only thing I don't like about this is 'times cold hand'. I don't like the use of a physical description 'cold' in relation to a non physical thing 'time'. It makes it sound like you're trying too hard to be metaphoric and meaningful.

To be honest, I really didn't like the last line either, but didn't know how else to phrase it. Suggestions are appreciated and welcomed.


We sat together and stood alone
We walked together and ran alone
And we lived together and we died alone
And we died alone, we died alone

Don't like this. Mainly cause I don't get it. Why did you sit together but not stand together? Where we're you? etc... etc...

Once again, to me it sounds like you're trying to hard to be meaningful. Especially the way you end on life/death.


For the most part though, pretty good.
It was meant, we do the first step but never the last. We can sit, but we can stand. We're able to walk, but we're too weak/afraid to take the next step, run. And the last two lines was just trying to carry that meaning on, as if we would continue this till we died.

For instance, I'm in community college right now, which I don't want to be in, but I'm using it as a transitional step into actually college(since I was basically homeschooled, and have never been around those many people) and I'm avoiding it. And this girl I know is repeating her last year of high school since she didn't have the gpa she wanted. I guess I meant we're not regressing, but not progressing either. And the alone part of it, was basically stating how I/her feel about everyone else moving us in good directions, and we're kind of dragging our feet, and I'm not sure, I just feel alone when I think about it.

I probably am trying to be too deep and metaphoric, and probably wrote too much so you didn't read it all, haha.

Thanks for the feedback, I really do appreciate it. Especially coming from you, as you tend to leave a long critique. And I'm glad you liked it for the most part.

Edit/

[bootsydan]

Well, I was in fact talking about two people. But I understand it coming off as preachy, and really did like the idea of turning this piece to I instead of we/us. Although I thought that it would alienate the reader, and take off from my meaning(which is two people), although I guess it wouldn't change it too much.

Ah ok. Well if you somehow made it clear in the first two verses that it was a song about two people then it would all be OK. I just didn't get that impression.

To be honest, I really didn't like the last line either, but didn't know how else to phrase it. Suggestions are appreciated and welcomed.

Take this on a limb, and you can probably just ignore it. But the first thing that came to me after I read that bit was you could probably just end it on something like '...gave way to the earths cold dirt' or something. Or '...gave way to times long hours'. You know, either pick the time thing or the cold thing. Actually you probably could still could combine them. Something like 'times cold hours'. I know it's like the smallest difference, and it probably doesn't even matter that much. This is all probably just me being an idiot. But just the word 'hand' (I know it's got kind of got two meanings, cause of the hands on a clock) - but 'times cold hand' just makes time sound like this cruel bitch who's out to freeze everyone. But if you said 'times cold hours' it would just make it sound like a cold day or something.

Ok I'm going to shut up about that now. Cause I hate to tell anyone how to write their own song, so you should probably just ignore all that.

It was meant, we do the first step but never the last. We can sit, but we can stand. We're able to walk, but we're too weak/afraid to take the next step, run. And the last two lines was just trying to carry that meaning on, as if we would continue this till we died.

In this case, I like those lines a lot better. You could even throw that line directly in their 'first step but not the last' somehow. Or maybe it's best leaving it open for the reader to figure out.

For instance if I listened to this song more than about 5 times, I'd probably pick up the meaning of those last lines. So maybe you should just leave it. I like them a lot better now I know what you're talking about.

In vacant playgrounds
Where my spirit used to play
I dug my own ditch
Behind a abandoned park bench
Where I sat idly and gave way
To time's cold hand

So did any of this actually happen? I mean cause this is a good verse. But I just found it funny how you could change it from the 'we/us' to the 'I' just like that. Like if you actually did dig a ditch with this other person, then it seems strange that you would all of a sudden just leave them out. But if you never did dig this ditch at all, it seems strange that you wrote about doing it in the first place.

And I sat there, but never stood
I walked, but never ran
I lived, but always dead
I lived, but always dead
Always dead, always dead

It seems too self centered, but I hope you and everyone else will tell me what version you guys like better.

Sorry I didn't mean change the whole thing to 'I'. I just meant that one verse. But you don't even have to change that verse if it really is about two people. Just make it clear that it's about two people.

Cause you're right. This new version does start coming across as self centered. Probably my fault.

[TK]

Ah ok. Well if you somehow made it clear in the first two verses that it was a song about two people then it would all be OK. I just didn't get that impression.

Yeah, whenever I get around to actually revising this, I'll definitely try to implement that.



Take this on a limb, and you can probably just ignore it. But the first thing that came to me after I read that bit was you could probably just end it on something like '...gave way to the earths cold dirt' or something. Or '...gave way to times long hours'. You know, either pick the time thing or the cold thing.

But I hate to tell anyone how to write their own song, so you should probably just ignore that.

The dirt one actually gave me a idea for a decent line, and I'll try to get around to actually writing a couple lines and changing it.





In this case, I like those lines a lot better. You could even throw that line directly in their 'first step but not the last' somehow. Or maybe it's best leaving it open for the reader to figure out.

For instance if I listened to this song more than about 5 times, I'd probably pick up the meaning of those last lines. So maybe you should just leave it. I like them a lot better now I know what you're talking about.

I think it best to leave it open, I'm not sure I could fit that type of line in there without it being forced in. And I'm glad I cleared it up for you a little bit on what I was trying to say



So did any of this actually happen? I mean cause this is a good verse. But I just found it funny how you could change it from the 'we/us' to the 'I' just like that. Like if you actually did dig a ditch with this other person, then it seems strange that you would all of a sudden just leave them out. But if you never did dig this ditch at all, it seems strange that you wrote about doing it.


It happened when I was a kid, and I ended up going back to the park this last weekend and revisited it. The "ditch" was actually a sandbox behind the bench. It was real for me, and meant to be more symbolic for her in the piece. [/quote]

The ditches were meant to more represent struggles, and us 'digging' ourselves into them.



Sorry I didn't mean change the whole thing to 'I'. I just meant that one verse. But you don't even have to change that verse if it really is about two people. Just make it clear that it's about two people.

Cause you're right. This new version does start coming across as self centered. Probably my fault.

Yeah, I'll make sure to try to be more clear that it is about two people, rather than a group or society.

[checkered.stars]

The panels decayed
On top of stripped rooftops
All the cars drove away
And left us empty parking lots

Nice intro, simple but good.

Our seats were mounted
In wet cement
Our actions have become
The drying winds

The rhythm in this stanza seems a bit off-beat from the rest of the piece, and I'm not sure
what role the word 'seats' plays.

We're becoming statues
More and more everyday
The birds are coming after us
Soon we won't be able to walk away
And they will use us
As shitting grounds
And they will use us
As perching mounds
Each and every day...

I liked the idea of perching mounds, but I feel like the birds should be emphasized a bit more.

In vacant playgrounds
Where our spirits used to play
We dug our own ditches
Behind abandoned park benches
Where we sat idly and gave way
To time's cold hand

My favorite part.

We sat together and stood alone
We walked together and ran alone
And we lived together and we died alone
And we died alone, we died alone


It was a really good piece though. Nice job.

[TK]

It was a really good piece though. Nice job.

The birds were meant to only be mention. I avoided emphasizing them, simply because I wanted people to let the birds represent whatever they want. For me, it was love. But I thought it would be better to leave it open for whatever. But thank you for the feedback, really. And I am glad you liked it:-)

[checkered.stars]

The birds were meant to only be mention. I avoided emphasizing them, simply because I wanted people to let the birds represent whatever they want. For me, it was love. But I thought it would be better to leave it open for whatever. But thank you for the feedback, really. And I am glad you liked it:-)
Oh, I gotcha. And no problem, it was really good.

[matt_rawlings]

As perching mounds



To time's cold hand





The only parts I didn't like. I think this is actually the best thing I have read from you. Favourite thing I have read here in a few weeks actually. Keep this up friend

[lew_1987]

I think you should get rid of the time's cold hand bit. Other than that... the third bit works better now. And I think you should use the original ending, I actually loved that. I agree that you could try and emphasise the birds bit more, but I don't think that it's in desparate need. I still think the opening needs a bit more, in between the 2nd and 3rd lines maybe. Other than that though, this was really good.

[TK]

The only parts I didn't like. I think this is actually the best thing I have read from you. Favourite thing I have read here in a few weeks actually. Keep this up friend

Thanks for the feedback,
I definitely plan on rewriting/cutting that time cold's hand line, but I'm pretty comfortable about the perching line. Really? Wow, thank you very much.

I think you should get rid of the time's cold hand bit. Other than that... the third bit works better now. And I think you should use the original ending, I actually loved that. I agree that you could try and emphasise the birds bit more, but I don't think that it's in desparate need. I still think the opening needs a bit more, in between the 2nd and 3rd lines maybe. Other than that though, this was really good.

I will revise that line, and there is definitely a possibility of me just throwing it out. Eh, too be honest, I do not think I could emphasize them more even if I actually wanted to. I just don't think it would fit.
And I've been thinking about putting a little more in the opener, so I'll see what happens there.

Thanks for the feedback and thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[!&marlboro&!]

It seems that most has already been said but I do have one thing to add. I really did like the "the birds are coming after us" bit until I learned through comments that you meant it to represent love. I thought it was a creative metaphor, birds=people making it easy to stay where you are, ie: that friend afraid to help motivate you, who wants to keep you down for fear of losing you to bigger and better things. Ha ha...way off.

Oh yeah, I think you did a good job of implementing the fact that you/she have a choice in all of this and are very aware of that. It's near impossible to take this as a "poor me" piece...obviously that is good.

I'll stop blabbing and end with, I liked this piece very much.

[TK]

Thank you. And the birds are not suppose to represent any one thing, you can add whatever meaning you want, so you can ignore my representation for your own.
Thanks again.