Mutiny

[fifpb99]

Delusion says that I steer this ship,
in passing the captain says otherwise.
If he only knew that his one simple quip,
would inevitably lead to his demise.

The fearless leader does shots of whiskey,
while I prepare the ship for the storm.
If he only knew now how much he will miss me,
when he's cold and alone and I'm safe and warm.

Some will call it treason,
and some will find it's deserved.
I prefer to call it a long time coming,
and face the consequences unnerved.




That was the first draft, but I felt like there should be another verse so I wrote this one...




Delusion says that I steer this ship,
in passing the captain says otherwise.
If he only knew that his one simple quip,
would inevitably lead to his demise.

The fearless leader does shots of whiskey,
while I prepare the ship for the storm.
If he only knew now how much he will miss me,
when he's cold and alone and I'm safe and warm.

Some will call it treason,
and some will find it's deserved.
I prefer to call it a long time coming,
and face the consequences unnerved.

I awake again in the lower decks,
by now I am used to the smell.
I find the ship has not been wrecked
and that our captain's alive and well.




Any and all feedback is appreciated as always. Thanks.

[chaosB4storm]

This isn't bad. It has originality to it which is good, but the style of the stanzas are very lacking in creativity, and the last word of each stanza seems to be *set up* by the last couple lines for the sole purpose of a perfect rhyme. A little too forced. To avoid this, I would wait until I was truly inspired before I write, or just learn that your poetry does not have to be as contrived as your making it. Break some rules!!