Something I've been working on

[SockMonkeyRiot]

This is a small something I've been working on, no title yet, I'd love some feedback.

he's got a thick southern drawl
and every word he says, it comes out wrong
he's been in this joint every night
for six whole weeks, he does his time

and then the band strikes up some old country chord
just like the cavalry line going off to war
and all the voices bleed in some whiskeyed melody
"lord knows how I've tried, but I was wrong"

he says this place, it feels like home
and the smoke, it warms his bones
and that you don't know what it's like
to see so clear, the end of your life

and then the band strikes up some old country chord
just like the cavalry line going off to war
and all the voice bleed in some whiskeyed melody
"lord knows how I've tried, but I was wrong"

and then the band strikes up some old country chord
just like the heart and mind declaring civil war
and all the voices bleed in some whiskeyed melody
"lord knows how I've tried, but I was wrong"

[chaosB4storm]

not bad. There is a uniform attitude and imagery throughout, which is good. I wish it was a bit longer, however, because it seems like this man is going to recieve the death penalty? And the song isn't as conclusive as I would like.

[SockMonkeyRiot]

Thanks for the input. It's actually about a man in a bar, but I'm glad you got jail out of it because that was the metaphor I was going for with the "in this joint" and "he does his time" lines. I'm unsure of making it longer because I don't think it would work as well as a song and would get a bit repetitive if I did, and I don't think I want to add anymore parts.

[Neo Cassady]

Nice imagery, especially between the band and the war march. Are you planning on putting this to music, and if so, what did you have in mind?

[lew_1987]

I would also like to see this made longer, but I can imagine that you've already written the music and fitted these lyrics to it. You tell a decent story with this, but I think it might be better if you altered the choruses slightly, so that it advances the story more, or shows a different side to it, rather than repeating that part of the story. Although you have done this with one line in the last chorus, I'd like to see a bit more of it. Overall it's quite good though, nice job.

[SuicideKing]

I would also like to see this made longer

agreed... i liked this a lot

[SockMonkeyRiot]

thanks guys, I already have the music, pretty much all of my stuff I write musically and lyrically together, I'll try and record it soon. I'll consider adding to it, I just want to make sure it doesn't get too repetitive.

I like the idea of changing up the choruses, originally the only reason that I changed it at the end was because I had two different lines that I liked that could go there and I wanted to use both, but maybe a complete overhaul of the second two would benefit.

[SuicideKing]

I'll consider adding to it, I just want to make sure it doesn't get too repetitive.


just add a bridge or something... but this is way too good to leave too short, know what i mean?