A song for you

[ArTkY_]

as the string tied around my heart unravels,
we go into this state of restlessness,
this death before dying, you know.
it's too much for me, now
your blood doesn't flow like it used to,
they've got a clenched hold on your heart
and my legs are mechanical,
held by metal rods
while whatever was in there before just breaks,
breaks,
breaks

so we're breathing softly with our lungs in
the heat that's blistering, it's so bright out,
squinting doesn't keep our eyes from melting.
but look at how long we held onto them,
to read what we never understood;
things we used solely to cut our throats

kiss my hollow eyelids,
i can't do this anymore.
i'm just tired.

[matt_rawlings]

Good, but a bit too graphic in places for my taste.

[ArTkY_]

Thank you my good sir. I think I've become unintentionally dark with my writing recently.

[lew_1987]

It was good in parts, especially the second section (minus the last line), and the repetition of 'breaks' was good too. I have to agree with Matt though on this.

[ArTkY_]

I think I'll cut that last line of the second section out, it might as well just be poor filler.

I'm depressed that I've only gotten two comments on this.

[OveriseFan]

I'm avoiding this because of the title. (Actually, I've read it and can't think of what to say. I will leave a comment eventually though. I'll try and make it good.)

[ArTkY_]

A song for you isn't the title, I couldn't come up with anything so I just typed in what it says, haha. It just means it's a song for you guys in the lyrics forum, haha.

[lew_1987]

I think I'll cut that last line of the second section out, it might as well just be poor filler.

I'm depressed that I've only gotten two comments on this.

Two comments is good going these days.

[bootsydan]

as the string tied around my heart unravels,
we go into this state of restlessness,
this death before dying, you know.
it's too much for me, now
your blood doesn't flow like it used to,
they've got a clenched hold on your heart
and my legs are mechanical,
held by metal rods
while whatever was in there before just breaks,
breaks,
breaks

This could just be me. But I'm getting more and more tired of metaphoric language the more that I read it. Especially metaphoric language with the words like 'heart' 'death' 'blood' and 'breaks'. Seems like such a cop out of a way to try and create meaning. Seems like a dishonest approach. A way to avoid talking about the things that are really going on in your life.

so we're breathing softly with our lungs in
the heat that's blistering, it's so bright out,
squinting doesn't keep our eyes from melting.
but look at how long we held onto them,
to read what we never understood;
things we used solely to cut our throats

I liked this better, because it loses the metaphoric language. It's more observational/story like. But I still wouldn't call it amazing by any chance. Ok, nothing to wrong with it. But not great. And I didn't like the last line.

kiss my hollow eyelids,
i can't do this anymore.
i'm just tired.

'Hollow eyelids'. Urgh. Sorry I'm being so harsh. Reminds me of TBS 'hollow out my hungry eyes'. But at least in the TBS line people can understand what the term 'hungry eyes' means. In this I'm not trying to sure if you're being metaphoric by saying hollow eyelids, or if 'hollow' is really the way you would describe your eyelids. Either way, I don't like it. And the last two lines are kind of nothing.

Gotta be honest man.

[ArTkY_]

Why don't you likes teh metaforz?

[vandalsandquinn]

quentin tarantino the poet

[trizzasizza]

this is good..............it could be a bit longer but I would give it a 10/10 (minus the shortness of it) so keep on writing....btw............try and write songs WHEN ur depressed........then u have WAY more ideas and you can write more.......don't bottle everthing up inside..............like I said.....10/10 minus the shortness, peace out dude........

[OveriseFan]

this is good..............it could be a bit longer but I would give it a 10/10 (minus the shortness of it) so keep on writing....btw............try and write songs WHEN ur depressed........then u have WAY more ideas and you can write more.......don't bottle everthing up inside..............like I said.....10/10 minus the shortness, peace out dude........

Bahahahahhaahaha.

Yeah, Tariq! C'mon!

[lew_1987]

To summarise his point:

...............

[vandalsandquinn]

Bahahahahhaahaha.

Yeah, Tariq! C'mon!
exactly my reaction ahhahahahahahahahah

[ArTkY_]

Bahahahahhaahaha.

Yeah, Tariq! C'mon!

hahahahahahahahaha