Do Go On

[de la sympathie]

I am afraid to write you a love poem
If it were to be so, it would be one full of
Commas and semi-colons, and that birthplace
Of most excitement, the exclamation point


If I were to write you a love poem
It would be something green and new
Splattered with courtesies and anxieties which
Unfounded be (as most doubt likes to do)


If I were in love I should be sure of it before
I punctuated it with hyphens and ellipses
And (if I were feeling dangerous) would drop
More than one ampersand


If I were to write you a love poem, it would be
When I fell in love with you, but as that time
Would wait to come, and not necessarily so, I would now
Hesitate to place that most final mark of love -
The one that asks a question


As if saying
'Do go on'









---



This is just something really cheesy I wrote after reading Wuthering Heights (again). It has more of something behind it, but... It might not be really apparent. I actually really like it though. Feedback is appreciated.



Also, I have a cut-down version of 'Free Entertainment' if anyone is interested in reading it, so just let me know and I will post.

[OveriseFan]

I am afraid to write you a love poem
If it were to be so, it would be one full of
Commas and semi-colons, and that birthplace
Of most excitement, the exclamation point Cut "the exclamation point". I know you probably want the space there filled for syllable-purposes, but I think you're giving too much away by throwing that in. Leaving it at "that birthplace of most excitement" is quirky, and doesn't give the reader everything.


If I were to write you a love poem
It would be something green and new
Splattered with courtesies and anxieties which
Unfounded be (as most doubt likes to do) I loved this. Thought it was very "cute", especially that last parenthetical part. Haha.


If I were in love I should be sure of it before
I punctuated it with hyphens and ellipses
And (if I were feeling dangerous) would drop
More than one ampersand I am afraid to write you a love poem
If it were to be so, it would be one full of
Commas and semi-colons, and that birthplace
Of most excitement, the exclamation point


If I were to write you a love poem
It would be something green and new
Splattered with courtesies and anxieties which
Unfounded be (as most doubt likes to do)


If I were in love I should be sure of it before
I punctuated it with hyphens and ellipses
And (if I were feeling dangerous) would drop
More than one ampersand Hah. The last two lines are actually pretty ridiculous, but I love it. (I had to look up what an ampersand is, you punk.)


If I were to write you a love poem, it would be
When I fell in love with you, but as that time
Would wait to come, and not necessarily so, I would now
Hesitate to place that most final mark of love -
The one that asks a question This stanza is absolutely brilliant. Especially the second and third lines.


As if saying
'Do go on' ...and brilliant.

------------------------------

Two notes: You have a lot of modifiers in this poem that I find unnecessary. I don't know if you had some kind of rhythmic reasoning behind this poem (I feel like it's there and I'm missing it.) but it made it a little tedious to read at points. Just something to look at.

Another thing: How about cutting out all the punctuation from this poem? Especially the commas in the first stanza. I think you did a nice job of leaving it very 'empty' but it needs to go one step further. I give you permission to keep the quotations in the last two lines though. Haha.

This is great, as always, Shauna. You really are one of the best writers here, when you're here. Very creative, quirky, and always eloquent.

I'd love to read the cut-down version, by the way.

[OveriseFan]

By the way, this is the first real critique I've given here in forever, so I hope you feel special. Haha.

I hardly even give Matt anything anymore - I just tell him he's fucking brilliant.

[de la sympathie]

By the way, this is the first real critique I've given here in forever, so I hope you feel special. Haha.

I hardly even give Matt anything anymore - I just tell him he's fucking brilliant.

Haha, like you really need to give Matt a critique most of the time. Just saying it really is enough.

Thank you very much, James. I really appreciate it. And I'm glad you critiqued it! Yeah, the exclamation point bit is really just for filler... I didn't want it to sound weird. What would you suggest happening with that?

Here is the trimmed-down 'Free Entertainment' -


Summer's glow would set the clouds aflame
Were it not for some raindrops sent falling from their beds.
Everything always gets extinguished by skulking rain
That plods along, slowly, like a man rejected.
It settles in for the long haul; takes off its shoes
And watches some kind of celestial television.

Water always makes good entertainment for the clouds;
It sends us scurrying to and fro like dropped marbles.
Floods send us adrift; winds make us hide in bathtubs.
It's the best kind of film, and admission's free, since
All clouds have to do is relax, and send the rain out
Like some Army general who commands, but never fights.

Rain will bow for Sunshine, who sweeps her yellow skirt
Across the Great Plains and into the heart of America.
And when she smiles, it melts the skin of any man.
Her light skitters across water, refracting at tangents
'Til ocean spray looks like eager Christmas lights
And swimming pools reveal their turquoise depths.

But some days Sunshine calls in to work; says she's got
Things to do elsewhere, and could the clouds cover her?
She's a flighty one, always going to warm others.
The clouds don't mind. They loom ominously overhead
And the earth stays parched, until some outside hire
Comes in and tickles the clouds' heavy underbellies
To give life to land scorned by its ultraviolet lover.

[OveriseFan]

Thank you very much, James. I really appreciate it. And I'm glad you critiqued it! Yeah, the exclamation point bit is really just for filler... I didn't want it to sound weird. What would you suggest happening with that?


Let it "sound weird". Don't give everything away, like I said. Leave some ambiguity in this.

[de la sympathie]

Let it "sound weird". Don't give everything away, like I said. Leave some ambiguity in this.

I don't know... Cutting it out altogether, to me, seems really odd, especially in the regard that most of the poem talks about punctuation

[vandalsandquinn]

Ahh this is cute, I wish I was a good writer!

[de la sympathie]

Ahh this is cute, I wish I was a good writer!

Thank you! :) I was hoping for 'cute'.


(I was going to say 'Cute is what I aim for' but then thought better of it)

[de la sympathie]

James, what do you think now:


i am afraid to write you a love poem
if it were to be so it would be one full of
commas and semi-colons and that birthplace
of most excitement the exclamation point

if i were to write you a love poem
it would be something green and new
splattered with courtesies and anxieties which
unfounded be (as most doubt likes to do)

if i were in love i should be sure of it before
i punctuated it with hyphens and ellipses
and (if i were feeling dangerous) would drop
more than one ampersand

if i were to write you a love poem it would be
when i fell in love with you but as that time
would wait to come and not necessarily so i would now
hesitate to place that most final mark of love -
the one that asks a question

as if saying
'do go on'



I never capitalize before I come here, but when I do I always hurry up and add in capital letters. Haha.

[ArTkY_]

this is fantastic! it is cutesy, but your diction is impeccable and i love the style. it has a nice rhythm to it. but as james said, dont give everything away to the reader. i would quote what i particularly enjoyed, but i'm on ap mobile and have no idea how to do so

[lew_1987]

Hmm... I'm not sure I like it as much as the others. Effectively, you have written a poem about how punctuation and grammar is used in writing, and then attempted to relate it to love. That's how it comes off to me, anyway. You obviously know how to write; that is clear, but I don't think the subject matter really holds any water with me. I do like the last paragraph however, and the ending was good too.

[a speedo model]

Love it.

[OveriseFan]

James, what do you think now:


i am afraid to write you a love poem
if it were to be so it would be one full of
commas and semi-colons and that birthplace
of most excitement the exclamation point

if i were to write you a love poem
it would be something green and new
splattered with courtesies and anxieties which
unfounded be (as most doubt likes to do)

if i were in love i should be sure of it before
i punctuated it with hyphens and ellipses
and (if i were feeling dangerous) would drop
more than one ampersand

if i were to write you a love poem it would be
when i fell in love with you but as that time
would wait to come and not necessarily so i would now
hesitate to place that most final mark of love -
the one that asks a question

as if saying
'do go on'



I never capitalize before I come here, but when I do I always hurry up and add in capital letters. Haha.

Love it!

Nice choice removing all capitalization too. Especially on "i". Makes it seem even more... less personal? I can't exactly explain what I mean (There's a literary term for it, but I can't think of what it is. It's almost like the opposite of personification. Haha.)


This is great. Please post more, Shauna. I miss you around here. :-( (Or if you don't post here, talk to me somehow.)

[wyverna]

it reminds of me e.e. cummings, almost, now you've removed the capitalisation
& i mean that in the best possible way, i love his work.

[OveriseFan]

it reminds of me e.e. cummings, almost, now you've removed the capitalisation
& i mean that in the best possible way, i love his work.

Grace!?

You, Shauna, Tariq, and Josiah all back at the same time. This is beautiful.

[de la sympathie]

Hmm... I'm not sure I like it as much as the others. Effectively, you have written a poem about how punctuation and grammar is used in writing, and then attempted to relate it to love. That's how it comes off to me, anyway. You obviously know how to write; that is clear, but I don't think the subject matter really holds any water with me. I do like the last paragraph however, and the ending was good too.

I understand what you're saying, definitely. Is it just something that you think is evident to you, or that you think could be very evident to any reader?

Love it.

Thanks, Josiah. :)

Love it!

Nice choice removing all capitalization too. Especially on "i". Makes it seem even more... less personal? I can't exactly explain what I mean (There's a literary term for it, but I can't think of what it is. It's almost like the opposite of personification. Haha.)


This is great. Please post more, Shauna. I miss you around here. :-( (Or if you don't post here, talk to me somehow.)

I was at the ELB tonight and someone prank called me; they kept screaming into the phone, "It's James! Don't you know me? It's James!"

So at first I thought it was you, but then I remembered - Jersey might be far away, but you don't have to scream to be heard. Haha plus you don't know my number, for starters, and you don't have an 815 area code (rockford)

it reminds of me e.e. cummings, almost, now you've removed the capitalisation
& i mean that in the best possible way, i love his work.

Haha my stuff is always without capitalization before I post it here, like on FictionPress it has no capitals, but when I come here I always add them.
Thanks, Grace - I have to say, this was also kind of inspired by him, so that is a huge compliment.

this is fantastic! it is cutesy, but your diction is impeccable and i love the style. it has a nice rhythm to it. but as james said, dont give everything away to the reader. i would quote what i particularly enjoyed, but i'm on ap mobile and have no idea how to do so

Thanks, Tariq. And it's okay - only one question - what is AP mobile?

[OveriseFan]

I was at the ELB tonight and someone prank called me; they kept screaming into the phone, "It's James! Don't you know me? It's James!"

So at first I thought it was you, but then I remembered - Jersey might be far away, but you don't have to scream to be heard. Haha plus you don't know my number, for starters, and you don't have an 815 area code (rockford)

Hahaha. I wish it was me. :-(

I used to have your number, a long time ago. I don't anymore though. Sorry...

[ArTkY_]

Thanks, Tariq. And it's okay - only one question - what is AP mobile?
absolutepunk.net/sidekick, it's for your phone. It's pretty bad ass.

[ArTkY_]

James, I used to have your phone number but no longer do. How saddening :-(

[de la sympathie]

Hahaha. I wish it was me. :-(

I used to have your number, a long time ago. I don't anymore though. Sorry...

Haha I like how after you said that, then Tariq said the same about you. Yeah I am pretty sure we texted once? After you got a prepaid phone?

You guys, when you visit here (since it's the easiest place for everyone to meet, you know), you have to go to the ELB with me. It's the concert venue I volunteer at.

[de la sympathie]

absolutepunk.net/sidekick, it's for your phone. It's pretty bad ass.

Is it just for a specific model of phone or phone service?

[de la sympathie]

James, Tariq - I am headed to art camp at NIU early tomorrow morning. So I will respond to you guys, in this thread, when I come back. See you soon, take care guys. :)

[wyverna]

Grace!?

You, Shauna, Tariq, and Josiah all back at the same time. This is beautiful.

Ahah, I've been lurking around a bit lately. I don't usually have much to contribute though!

Haha my stuff is always without capitalization before I post it here, like on FictionPress it has no capitals, but when I come here I always add them.
Thanks, Grace - I have to say, this was also kind of inspired by him, so that is a huge compliment.

Oh good! I was worried you were going to be like, what, it's not like cummings at all! And I meant it as a compliment, so it's good. I always love your stuff, Shaunanana.

[de la sympathie]

Ahah, I've been lurking around a bit lately. I don't usually have much to contribute though!



Oh good! I was worried you were going to be like, what, it's not like cummings at all! And I meant it as a compliment, so it's good. I always love your stuff, Shaunanana.


Thank you very much, Grace. :) I really appreciate that.

[lew_1987]

I understand what you're saying, definitely. Is it just something that you think is evident to you, or that you think could be very evident to any reader?

I'm not sure really... I mean, I thought that others would make similar comments, but I guess I'm just seeing it from a different point of view. Maybe I'm missing something?

[bootsydan]

Ah.. I have to say I didn't enjoy this one.

You're saying things like (and this is simplifying it a lot, because I don't want to go back a page and copy/paste your exact words) If I were to write you a love poem, I'd use commas.

I mean, what does that mean? You could use commas if it was about love war hate god or blueberries. So I felt that every time you did that it had absolutely no significance. And not only that, but I didn't find it interesting at all. Who cares if you would use commas or exclamation points in a love poem?

The other main problem I had with this is that you're writing a poem where you're using the words 'If I were to write you a poem...' Seems silly to me. Instead of reading you saying 'If I were to write you a poem, I'd use commas' - I'd rather read the love poem with the commas. Where you don't put emphasis on the writing of it.

Anyway. That's me done. Your stuff is usually really good, so this is probably all just my own dumb opinion.



Also, I hate to ask. But I'd really appreciate it if you could comment on my most recent thread.http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=404591

EDIT. Just read Lews comment on this, and I agree 100% with him.

[ArTkY_]

James, Tariq - I am headed to art camp at NIU early tomorrow morning. So I will respond to you guys, in this thread, when I come back. See you soon, take care guys. :)
NOOOOOOO
Is it just for a specific model of phone or phone service?
Nah, any phone.

[Jesse!]

Just along the lines of something bootsydan had to say, I think the goal in a poem like this is (or at least what I really wanted it to be) is you saying "Hey, I'm not going to write you a love poem.. but if I did.." and the poem where you're saying this also just happens to be the actual love poem..

I think it would have been clever to then do all of the things you said you would do in the love poem that you were "not" going to write...

Doing this is actual a very powerful tool of persuasive speech... Frederick Douglas in his infamous 4th of July speech stands up and says "I won't say all of these things, but.." and then says all of those things =)

I also will definitely agree that you should be more specific with why you'd use the things you'd use... either choose different things that are clearly more specific for a love poem, or talk about the commas, exclamation points, etc. more... where are they placed that makes them clearly fit for the love poem you're writing, what points do they convey or break up that would indicate why they are fitting for a love poem? etc., etc.

Overall I think with some work this shows a great deal of potential, so please do work on it and come back with any new drafts.