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Neo Cassady
07/17/08, 03:37 PM
I’m awakened by a familiar sound. Police sirens. They’re not at all uncommon in this town; the constant stream of drunks would lead any outsider to conclude that there must be an art institute nearby. To their credit, they are half right, but it’s never the art students that you read about in the papers. I went to a frat party once. Within ten minutes of my arrival I watched someone get violently thrown out of the house and end up bloody in an adjacent alley. Don’t get me wrong here—it’s only a testament against big parties, not against alcohol. I rather enjoy a Saturday night consisting of a few rum and Cokes with the guys or some wine with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend. I slowly roll to my side and place my hand across the bed. It’s cold. It was only a dream. I open my eyes. The moonlight shining through the window illuminates the room, and confirms my suspicion. I sigh. When the person you love is half a state away, sometimes dreams are all you have. What time is it? In one swift motion I roll to my back and stretch out my arm toward the clock. 1:37. But I didn’t fall asleep until after two… The numbers disappear. Of course. I hear the distant crash of thunder, followed by the hum and splash of a car speeding along wet pavement. Must be the same cop car. This time of night—just past four, I suppose—the only signs of life outside my south side apartment are emergency vehicles and the train.

I reluctantly sit up, bracing myself with both arms. I say her name aloud, as if doing so would bring her to me. I sigh again and bring myself to my feet. I need to get out of here. I stumble across the room, shuffling my feet at an attempt to find my pants, but instead find the corner of my desk. I cringe, but shake it off and keep searching. Finally I nudge my toes against a rumpled pile of fabric. Somehow I manage to stay on my feet as I dress. I shove my hands into my pockets and feel the familiar shape of my car keys. The road beckons. I slide on my Etnies, grab my leather jacket, and slam the door behind me.

The parking lot, normally home to rows of sheet metal turned status symbols, stands desolate. A lone streetlight illuminates barren pavement and, to the far end, my destination: a gray Toyota Camry, scarred with scratches and freckled with rust. It seems as out of place now as it does among the statues of Hummers and Lexuses that normally fill the empty spaces.

There are two games I play every time I get behind the wheel of my car. The first is simple: if my car starts, I win. So far I’m batting about .500. The second, only playable if the first is won, is akin to Name That Tune. I consider myself somewhat of a music aficionado, and as such, generally fare much better in this second game than in the first.

Tonight both of my answers are correct. The song on the radio as my car churns to life is Jawbreaker’s “Condition Oakland.” It is a familiar tune and I guess it quickly. How fitting. As Kerouac’s words of wisdom flow like wine through the speakers, I realize where I need to be. I kick it into drive and tear out of the parking lot.

There’s nothing quite like the open road. With the stereo up and the wind in your hair, all your worries (and some of the receipts in the cup holder) fly out the window. On October nights, on back country roads, I swear it’s the most freedom I’ve ever had. I speed down straight-aways and slice through curves, testing old Betsy’s every limit. The car strains and shudders, but keeps up the pace. I round a corner and, in a sudden burst of realization, slam the brakes. A cloud of dust rises as the car slides to a stop along the side of the road.

I often wonder what it would be like to hop the train. I’ve read stories about people who do that kind of thing all their lives, just for fun. The adrenaline rush must be amazing. As the tracks lay before me, stretched out to the horizon in both directions, I wonder where they would take me. Maybe they connect to the rails behind my grandmother’s house in Columbus. Everything connects to everything eventually, right?

I sigh and take a seat on the rail. I stare off to the south for what seems like—and probably is—hours. I watch the moon fall out of the sky to my right, only to be quickly replaced by the signal of a new day. As the first glimpse of the morning sun peeks out from behind the horizon, I feel a vibration underneath me. The train. I hop to my feet and take two steps away from the rails. I turn abruptly and stare them down, with a sudden feeling of exhilaration. Flashing red lights, followed almost immediately by blaring of a train whistle from the east. As the locomotive squeaks by, the engineer greets me with a friendly wave. A few coal cars, some flatbeds, and finally the boxcars. If I ever had a chance, this is it. The decision I make this very moment will determine the path of the rest of my life. I begin to jog with the train, steadily increasing speed to nearly a full-on sprint and glancing every few seconds to find a safe spot to jump. As I run, images flash through my mind. My family. My home. My friends. My girlfriend…

I collapse to the ground in exhaustion as the last of the train cars rumble past. As I gasp for air, I tell myself over and over that I should have jumped. But I’m only trying to dissuade myself from what I really think. True, the train was heading away from my problems, but it was also heading away from the people I love. I think I knew all along that I could never go through with it; I just didn’t want to admit it.

As the rear of the train disappears into the horizon, I nod my head and turn back towards my car. If the train had been going east, would I have hopped it? It might have taken me right to the people I need most. Maybe someday I’ll take that chance, but for now I’ll stick to my dreams. I take my seat behind the wheel and turn the key, but nothing happens. Tally up a loss for Game #1. I sigh and lean my head against the steering wheel. It’ll be a long walk home.

Neo Cassady
07/17/08, 03:37 PM
I know it's not poetry or lyrics, but I tend to write prose more often. If you took the time to read all of that, thank you, and feel free to tear it to shreds.

Troggy
07/17/08, 05:05 PM
Interesting story. Some things I would change but I see what you are going for and you had some nice details. I think it could use some pruning. For example, you go through a chain of details and events in the first paragraph, but don't return to some of those ideas later. Perhaps some of those are meant for another piece. The police part is necessary, the alcohol worth a mention but maybe set up the scenery a little more or add a detail about yourself that will come into play later. I see how the list ends up flowing once you say 'girlfriend', but some of those lines don't sit as well with me as some others.

Second paragraph, the disorientation is good, but I would like a little more clarity. What was the dream you mentioned in the first line is kind of unclear as well as the "of course". It wouldn't hurt to make sure the reader knows which events are real.

Fourth paragraph, first sentence doesn't mesh well. I get what you are going for, but this writing is working better for me when it is less witty and more straight from the gut. You mention Hummer and Lexus, you can leave it at that. You'd think a parking lot would be full in the middle of the night, is there a particular reason it isn't?

Seventh paragraph, your worries out the window is a pretty boring cliche. I like where you are going with receipts though. Maybe something like

"with the wind in your hair, receipts from ______ flying out the window."

The meaning is somewhat different but again, keep it from the gut. The rest of the piece is pretty good and interesting. Overall I liked it but try and prune unnecessary words and details and replace them with others that give more about the are and characteristics of the speaker that are relevant.

It's kind of a bleak piece try and fit in more words that emphasize that when you can. A subtle way to convey the emotion here. Having a grey camry may be a coincidence, but see how that's a perfect color for this piece? If you picked that on purpose then good idea, you're thinking. Good luck.

Neo Cassady
08/06/08, 07:00 PM
Thanks for the comments. I wrote this pretty much stream-of-consciousness, which definitely shows. The "of course" and dream comments int he second paragraph are more than anything to set up the dual narrative (the italics are internal thoughts, the regular font plain narration). It made sense to me, but I can see where it could get confusing. I'll keep that in mind as I'm potentially including this (or parts of it) within a larger story, and for future writing; same with the cliches. As for the emotion and symbolism, it wasn't initially intended, although I did realize it when I was reading back through the piece.

Thanks again.

odizzle_word
08/06/08, 08:20 PM
But I’m only trying to dissuade myself from what I really think. True, the train was heading away from my problems, but it was also heading away from the people I love. I think I knew all along that I could never go through with it; I just didn’t want to admit it.


This part was a little too explicit compared to the rest of the story. Everything else was written in a slightly vague manner, relying on imagery (which I liked), so this part that was stated bluntly just didn't seem right. The narrator doesn't have to say he'd regret heading away from the people he loved, we already got that from the flash image of his family and girlfriend.

I thought it was good overall. A little too much sighing for my liking, though.

decisionpending
08/07/08, 04:34 AM
I agree with both of the comments so far. But there some other things that I both like and dislike. Note: this is what I got from it. Remember my reading comes from my context.

I think the key, in my reading of the piece, is in the 8th paragraph. I love that you reference other people's stories and that you ask a question. Also, you reference your grandmother. These little things make combined with the frat party story make piece work as I connect with the sense that the story seems to be happening somewhere else. That the character is yearning to be a part of a story and yet there is such an emphasis on minute detail: such as, finding pants, the receipts, the games the character plays. All this adds up to a nice little musing on modern life. Oh and I love 'scarred with scratches and freckled with rust.'

Then there are the parts I don't like. There is a lot, a lot, of telling. odizzle has already pointed out one of these sections, but also the first half of the last para. Also, after re-reading, the actual pivotal moment of trying to get on the train. Pretty much the last section, as a whole, could become a whole lot more subtle and slightly played.

Overall, though, the piece has a great central theme but needs polishing and some subtlety. Good work. :-)

Oh, and would people be opposed to more prose?... my short stories are more like 3000-4000 words, though. I realise that may be too much, but if not, I need to run things by an audience, which I don't have at Uni anymore.

thespearkid
08/07/08, 11:25 PM
Oh, and would people be opposed to more prose?
Not at all. I love great poetry and lyrics but I'd much rather read prose. Post some, please.

Now, first of all, I really liked the concept behind the piece. It's the kind of thing I wish I would've thought of because it seems like something that's really fun to write. Here are whatever random notes I can come up with:

-The third sentence makes me smile. In fact, I like the whole first paragraph. Maybe it's just because I tend to right similar inner monologues with my characters but I really like the feeling it gives in the opening. Without having to do much dialog or action, you've already introduced us to the character in a way that can be enjoyed.

-I'm digging the use of italics.

-I had to give the second paragraph a second read before I understood what was going on. Maybe it's just me though...

-The third and fourth paragraph are a little dry.

-That "two games" bit reminds me of my poor ol' car.

-"Wind in your hair". I would've gone for something a little different there.

-Where the narrator collapses on the ground, I think that has a lot of potential to be a bit of a heart-wrenching moment if you build up to it a little better and be a little more descriptive about it.

Again, I enjoyed it quite a bit. More prose, plz.