Repeat, Repeat

[Killadelphia]

Every time the sun reappears and the moon says, “ Good day.”
I wake to a bird chirping my way
Something about how life shouldn’t be wasted away
Something about how I shouldn’t be wasting the day
Slowly my dream begins to fade and I’m lost without your face until the process repeats
You’re leaving me alone as soon as reality begins
I’m now in a place where everything I do is partially wrong
I’m now in a place where everything I say is always wrong
I’m now in a place where every phrase is cliché
Recycled like a plastic, I feel like I’m dead again and again
Just some sort of robot programmed to repeat, repeat
Wake up, repeat, repeat
The only time for myself is when I sleep and dream.

Every time the sun reappears and the moon says, “I’ll see you tonight.”
I wake to the light sneaking in through my blinds
And that same little bird is chirping again
Something about how I lost, but gave it my best
I’m just some sort of robot programmed for defeat
Wake up, defeat, repeat
Repeat, defeat
I told the bird to remind her that I’m sorry I never knew the correct thing to say.
The only time for myself is when the world is quiet enough for me to sleep and dream.

Everytime the moon reappears and the sun descends
I lay alone in my bed reminiscing of the bird’s wisdom that day
I lower my eye lids and lengthen my breaths
I wish I was someone else’s piece of metal programmed to win
But then I wake the next morning to do it all over again.
Repeat, defeat, repeat, repeat.

[Jesse!]

Ahh.. maybe it's time for a new job? Don't worry, though... you're certainly not alone.

In any case,

I am not crazy about illustrating that as the sun comes, the moon leaves, and vice versa. Common knowledge, I think... take more time to tell us about the sun or moon rising or leaving WITHOUT telling us something we already know.

I think the birds song can reach you in a more powerful way than it "chirping your way" - what song does it sing to you? Do you see the bird? What kind of bird is it and does that mean anything to you? What does the bird symbolize (freedom?)?

Wasting away and wasting the day... kind of redundant, use that line instead to talk about what wasting away really is..

When you are "recycled like plastic" I think you could have said something more than you feel like you're dying repeatedly... also, why plastic as opposed to paper or metal? If there is no reason, I think "recycled" is enough and then you can tell us more about why exactly you feel so recycled.

Robots are assumed to be things programmed to repeat processes, so by simply comparing yourself to a robot, you tell us this.. what else can you tell us about your robot life?

I think you should look at your poem from these sorts of perspectives... You are writing about a very difficult thing that many people go through. Tell us what it's really like.

"I’m now in a place where everything I do is partially wrong
I’m now in a place where everything I say is always wrong
I’m now in a place where every phrase is cliché"

I liked this a lot, the last sentence felt sort of meh to me, though.. felt like it was missing something... maybe to be followed by all of the cliched phrases of your life? Things perhaps we can all relate to?

Anyway, please work on it, I'd love to see it developed some!

[Killadelphia]

Yeah, I wrote it pretty quickly. I'll work on it later.

Um, I did explain what the bird was chirping...I'll let the reader ponder whether or not it is a real bird or someone.

Why plastic? It's the most recycled product out there next to paper. I was never talking about dying repeatedly at all. More or less the following the day, it's some other drawn out plan set forth for me.

I know it's rather weak. I wrote at 2 am in the morning.

[Jesse!]

Sorry, I was going off your line "I feel like I’m dead again and again" about the dying thing. I didn't mean it literally as I'm sure you didn't.. just referring to your line.

As for the bird I think I was more thinking that the bird as is doesn't really hold any special definition or meaning the way you portray it - whether it is a person, an actual bird, or some other thing calling you... I think you can characterize this better through your bird than how it is now.

And don't apologize, it's good... I am a proponent of constant re-drafting, if this is just a first or 2nd or 3rd draft it's really just a baby (in my opinion!).

[TK]

Every time the sun reappears and the moon says, “ Good day.”
I wake to a bird chirping my way
Something about how life shouldn’t be wasted away
Something about how I shouldn’t be wasting the day


The beginning line had me hopeful, but the rhyming was horrendous and ruin any chance of those lines being enjoyable, when the last two lines seem decent enough.


Slowly my dream begins to fade and I’m lost without your face until the process repeats
You’re leaving me alone as soon as reality begins
I’m now in a place where everything I do is partially wrong
I’m now in a place where everything I say is always wrong
I’m now in a place where every phrase is cliché
Recycled like a plastic, I feel like I’m dead again and again
Just some sort of robot programmed to repeat, repeat
Wake up, repeat, repeat
The only time for myself is when I sleep and dream.


To be honest, I loved this. Very relatable, and some of it I thought was written really well. Excellent job on this verse. By the way, I loved the bit Recycled like plastic. I hope you keep it in there.


Every time the sun reappears and the moon says, “I’ll see you tonight.”
I wake to the light sneaking in through my blinds
And that same little bird is chirping again
Something about how I lost, but gave it my best
I’m just some sort of robot programmed for defeat
Wake up, defeat, repeat
Repeat, defeat
I told the bird to remind her that I’m sorry I never knew the correct thing to say.
The only time for myself is when the world is quiet enough for me to sleep and dream.


This was okay, and the repetition came off nicely. Although none of this really stuck out, know what I mean? Nothing necessary bad about this, but that good either.

/quote]
Everytime the moon reappears and the sun descends
I lay alone in my bed reminiscing of the bird’s wisdom that day
I lower my eye lids and lengthen my breaths
I wish I was someone else’s piece of metal programmed to win
But then I wake the next morning to do it all over again.
Repeat, defeat, repeat, repeat.[/quote]

I liked the way it began, loved the last three lines. I thought you finished this off very nicely.

If this is your first draft, it is pretty good minus the first part. I really enjoyed reading this, and look forward to reading more of your stuff.