untitled

[to kill this]

It's definitely lacking something/needs some rearranging...
critiques greatly appreciated.


Sometimes I'm insecure, can't always find the words
to tell you exactly what I mean
Sometimes I'm just a caricature of the person underneath
I joke and laugh and smile but it's nothing too concrete
Sometimes I'm just a phase, gone through and out in days.
Sometimes I think I'm just another craze.
Sometimes I think I need someone who stays.
Sometimes I think you were my worst mistake.
But I think my biggest flaw is that you failed to see all
of the truth, the beauty, brilliant inside me.
We both traded up and out, wriggled free and down
from the things we swore defined us all along
Now you're just a clever line in a song,
a silly hum, a throb of blood pulsing through my palm.
My branch of veins, the blueprint of my psalm.

[to kill this]

bump

[lew_1987]

Some of this was good. I didn't really like the bit which started with 'sometimes' on every line, the rhyming didn't seem very well thought out there. The 'clever' line in a song doesn't work from two points of view... 1) It's a bit cliche and 2) It comes off a bit arrogant to me to say that your own writing is 'clever', especially as a line in your own song. Also the last two lines had a bit of a gimmicky rhyme. Other than that, you have some decent lines that you could work on.

[TK]

I wasn't a fan of this at all. It's unoriginal, and I hated the use of "sometimes" throughout half the poem.

[to kill this]

Some of this was good. I didn't really like the bit which started with 'sometimes' on every line, the rhyming didn't seem very well thought out there. The 'clever' line in a song doesn't work from two points of view... 1) It's a bit cliche and 2) It comes off a bit arrogant to me to say that your own writing is 'clever', especially as a line in your own song. Also the last two lines had a bit of a gimmicky rhyme. Other than that, you have some decent lines that you could work on.
thanks :) there's something i like about the sometimes lines...i feel like if i worked them over they could have some potential...but maybe that's just me. i hate the clever line too haha but it led into the last two lines...so i need a better way to. i honestly like the last two lines but maybe it's just me? haha

[to kill this]

I wasn't a fan of this at all. It's unoriginal, and I hated the use of "sometimes" throughout half the poem.
to each his own.

[TK]

I wasn't intending to be a dick about it, if I came off like one.

[to kill this]

I wasn't intending to be a dick about it, if I came off like one.
oh no you didn't, believe me i've heard much worse haha if i sounded mean, sorry. :)