My Fate

[K8t]

Well I wrote this song a while back. like.... two years ago. anyway please tell me what you think.


Every dream has come to far
Every idea will lose its all
Every thought is nothing anymore
It feels like I've felt this way before


Its too dark to see my fate
Its too bright to see whats in front of my face
I need to breathe


Dancing alone in this thought
Singing in the memories
Of what used to be
You're touch is losing all it used to mean

Its too dark to see my fate
Its too bright to see whats in front of my face
I need to breathe


Every step I take is nothing but a lie
Every time I move forward I move back
Every whisper is now a yell
For help

Its too dark to see my fate
Its too bright to see whats in front of my face
I need to breathe
Just let....me breathe



(hows that? I wrote it when my boyfriend broke up with me. tell me how to fix it. I know I'm not that good at it but I enjoy it.. I also enjoy feedback so please help thanks):wave:

[Jesse!]

This feels to me like a lot of good ideas jotted down very vaguely. I think there is something nice about leaving thoughts obscured but I feel like taking these thoughts and experimenting with completely re-writing them might be interesting for you...

I'll simply pose some questions to you to think about for yourself:

First stanza/verse - what dreams are these? Dreams about your relationship? Why have they come too far, what does them coming too far mean? What ideas? Are they ideas about your relationship? Are these dreams/ideas the same thing? The thought? Same thing? Have you said the same vague thing three times in a row? Can you take one concept (if they are all the same, then just the one.. if they are all different, perhaps the most powerful or create a concept that envelopes them all) and use these lines to tell us more about this one concept?

You've felt this way before... when? You say it "feels" like you have. Have you or have you not? Why is it important that you've felt this way before?

the "chorus" - the whole darkness/light thing didn't really do much for me, why did you choose these elements? I would assume to express some sort of confusion. How can you better express this feeling, and if you are attached to the light/dark still, how can you tell us WHY light/dark is important?

I like the line "I need to breathe". It feels like something I think we can all identify with. I really like it because it feels like to me that you are reminding yourself of this need, not telling someone else. Kind of like "wow this totally sucks... but remember to breathe" because it's really not the end of the world or your life even though it might seem that way, and breathing lets you know you're still going... It's cool yet simple, maybe you can try prefacing it with something that relates to it? Make the whole confusion thing tie in better...

second verse - why dancing and singing? Did you used to dance and sing with your boyfriend? If not, then what does it express? If so, can you help us understand those memories better?

Third verse - the steps forward/back thing felt bleh... If there is some lying or deceit involved, I think you can tell us about it more honestly... I kind of like the "every whisper is now a yell" line but the way you wrote it did not develop it properly. I get the feeling (though it may not be accurate) when I read this that romantic whispers have now been replaced by yelling/fighting. Is this the case? Whatever it is, tell us more about it... I think your "yell for help" might refute my thoughts (although maybe not), but the yell for help? What kind of help do you need? Why is it important for us to understand this?

Hope this helps somewhat, feel free to post a fresh draft if you work on it!

Oh, and DON'T KNOCK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR WRITING. That kills me. The reason people are here is to work on their writing and you will improve over time if you work at it. Be proud that you have the guts to post things like this publicly, and just keep your head up and keep at it.