Oak

[as_we_learn]

I'm going to post this because it is the only thing I hope that I found pretty good and hope you enjoy. I hope Chris finds some incentive to help me with my crappy writing by posting something.

I want to see to see what they have heard.
I want to be who they wish they were.
Though it makes me sad, it hurts to laugh,
to watch the world scream and shiver on her side.
I hope the rain soothes her wounds
leaking out her moods through the storms.

Clever and precise, the promises I've learn to hide.
Underneath a pile of earth by the oak we know so well.
Never will our silence fade along with our lovely day.
The moment when the sun graces our pride.

I'll collect every ray in my pocket
and hope it warms my lazy legs.
Pick apart at every phrase that my love
has learned to contradict with her very own actions.
Reconstruct and build the upon that fake foundation.

Clever and precise, the promises I've learn to hide.
Underneath a pile of earth by the oak we know so well.
Never will our silence fade along with our lovely day.
The moment when the sun graces our pride.

[OveriseFan]

I'm going to post this because it is the only thing I hope that I found pretty good and hope you enjoy. I hope Chris finds some incentive to help me with my crappy writing by posting something.

I want to see to see what they have heard. Is this repetition intended?
I want to be who they wish they were.
Though it makes me sad, it hurts to laugh,
to watch the world scream and shiver on her side.
I hope the rain soothes her wounds
leaking out her moods through the storms.

Clever and precise, the promises I've learn to hide.
Underneath a pile of earth by the oak we know so well.
Never will our silence fade along with our lovely day.
The moment when the sun graces our pride.

I'll collect every ray in my pocket
and hope it warms my lazy legs.
Pick apart at every phrase that my love
has learned to contradict with her very own actions.
Reconstruct and build the upon that fake foundation. What the fuck does this mean?

Clever and precise, the promises I've learn to hide.
Underneath a pile of earth by the oak we know so well.
Never will our silence fade along with our lovely day.
The moment when the sun graces our pride.

Ok, so this has a ton of fragments, which makes it mostly nonsensical at times. I ignored that, however, and bolded what you should remove completely, and you have a (somewhat) solid piece. By solid piece, I mean the best thing posted in a while that wasn't by someone I expected it from. Haha. Not a huge compliment - but hopefully a springboard to get you to write/post more.

Just remove the bolded - they're not necessary for flow or content purposes, in my opinion. The former just sounding awkward, and the latter being superfluous, I think.

The italicized - makes no sense. At all.

[as_we_learn]

Ok, so this has a ton of fragments, which makes it mostly nonsensical at times. I ignored that, however, and bolded what you should remove completely, and you have a (somewhat) solid piece. By solid piece, I mean the best thing posted in a while that wasn't by someone I expected it from. Haha. Not a huge compliment - but hopefully a springboard to get you to write/post more.

Just remove the bolded - they're not necessary for flow or content purposes, in my opinion. The former just sounding awkward, and the latter being superfluous, I think.

The italicized - makes no sense. At all.
No the repitition in the beginning was not intentional. This piece does have a lot of fragments and for some reason I am starting to have the same problem when I started writing. I can't keep one single thought through out the entire piece. Lately not much has inspired me either, so it's been difficult. Thank you for your somewhat compliment haha and thank you for critiquing the piece as well James.

[trizzasizza]

I think it was good........except for the repitition.........no one can diss this poem....or whatever it is.....I couldn't reall tell..........anyway......keep on postin' dude......:-)

[TK]

I think it was good........except for the repitition.........no one can diss this poem....or whatever it is.....I couldn't reall tell..........anyway......keep on postin' dude......:-)

Wrong.
I could diss this if I wanted. In fact, I will.

What did you do? Get a huge pile of shit, and make words out of it? This is the shittiest thing I've ever read, you fail at writing. No, you fail at life.


I thought it was okay. Not my favorite, but I think it's better than the last few pieces you've posted(If I remember right).

[CellarGhosts]

This is pretty good, nothing really to say about it though. :shrug:

and sorry, but I'm sure anything you've written lately will be 10 times better (and longer) than anything I've written in the past fucking six months haha. I'm still stuck.

[matt_rawlings]

There were some lovely little lines here and there, but too much of it didn't make any cohesive sense that I could attain

[as_we_learn]

I think it was good........except for the repitition.........no one can diss this poem....or whatever it is.....I couldn't reall tell..........anyway......keep on postin' dude......:-)
Haha
Wrong.
I could diss this if I wanted. In fact, I will.

What did you do? Get a huge pile of shit, and make words out of it? This is the shittiest thing I've ever read, you fail at writing. No, you fail at life.


I thought it was okay. Not my favorite, but I think it's better than the last few pieces you've posted(If I remember right).
Haha that cracked me up. I have done way better than this and am still trying.
This is pretty good, nothing really to say about it though. :shrug:

and sorry, but I'm sure anything you've written lately will be 10 times better (and longer) than anything I've written in the past fucking six months haha. I'm still stuck.
Haha I doubt, you should just post an excerpt to let me see at least something, please haha.
There were some lovely little lines here and there, but too much of it didn't make any cohesive sense that I could attain
Hmm then I'm not sure, unless you can point out the parts you felt made no sense, and I'd love to explain Mr.Rawlings.