Motionless River

[trizzasizza]

Hey everyone.........this is a song from our new band Silent Thunder........and if you supported us....thx......A LOT!






When I call your name,
I don't receive a reply,
and when I see you crying,
I see exactly why.
He's been hurting you,
abusing you,
taking complete control of you.
Now i'm lying here thinkin' bout' us,
and the pain left inside,
there's just too much.


So give me some time to apologize,
for all the things i've done,
we can go out tomorrow night,
and try to have some fun.


What happened to you?
What happened to me?
This isn't another piece of history!
Though our love must be.
Me and you,
you and me,
we gotta make this right,
before this whole thing turns into a fight!
You already know!
Our love is a motionless river,
yet it's still flowing!
Yeah.



I left my number on your telephone,
I called a million so please pick up,
I dont' want to be alone!
Now I see why you've been ignoring me,
you got your eyes still on him,
but he's always hurting you,
how could you be so dense!
I guess i'll pack my bags and go home,
nice having you,
and i'm sure I won't find someone quite like you!
Oh... Yeah!


You know you'll never be replaced in my heart,
it was all the lies that tore us apart.
so leave me in the rain,
i'm sure we'll find the problem someday!


What happened to you?
What happened to me?
This isn't another piece of history!
Though our love must be.
Me and you,
you and me,
we gotta make this right,
before this whole thing turns into a fight!
You already know!
Our love is a motionless river,
yet it's still flowing............................ .........!



It wasn't you it was me!


What hapened to you?
What happened to me?
This isn't another piece of history!
Though our love must be.
Me and you,
you and me,
we gotta make this right,
before this whole thing turns into a fight!
You already know!
Yeah, You already know!
Our love is a motionless river,
yet it's still flowing.

[lew_1987]

No.

[Jesse!]

Ahh, lew.. be gentle.

I think that there are some honest emotions in this, but many of the rhymes and lines feel contrived, and are also quite bland feeling.

"and when I see you crying, it makes me want to die"

Do you really want to die when she is crying? If so, what are some better ways to express this? Wanting to die is a pretty powerful thing to feel... I am sure there are far more intense things going on in your head and body than such a simple statement, but even if all you wanted to talk about was this raw feeling of desiring your own demise, I think there are more poetic ways to speak about death.

I would go over each of your lines and ask this question:

"Is this the best way I could have possibly said this?"

If you can answer "no" at any point, you should try to work on that line.

If you feel the answer is "no" but you can't find anything better, go out and buy yourself a poetry book, or start looking at lyrics of your favorite song writers and really study what makes their lyrics so brilliant to you.

I read your song and I really do think you have an ability to reach inside yourself but it appears that you're either not putting that much effort into writing it out or simply don't have the means to properly express yourself in words (which would be remedied over time through studies).

I hope this helps somewhat..

In any case, good luck with your band.. just keep at it =)

[trizzasizza]

Thx very much Jesse,


I think that was a very thoughtful comment, I have not wrote this down and really thought about it so it must have been unappealing to some people. I hope I will be able to impress next time and I hope that I can write something better into that song. Again, thx for the great comment.....I will take your advice and go over their lyrics...........and if you want to see our site then just go to www.silentthunder123.piczo.com (http://www.silentthunder123.piczo.com) i think that is the right link....i'll have to check....anyway.....please keep on telling me what you think with great comments like that one...and thanks for telling lew to take it easy on me....some of the people on this site can be such assholes.......one guy said................FUCK YOU EAT SHIT AND DIE NEVER POST AGAIN!







Thanks again for the great comment!
Trizzasizza

[trizzasizza]

I have also edited the song....I hope you like it better now!