Nightlife and Adrenaline

[sydneyhxc]

Light shines to the left
You stop,out of breath
Running in slow motion
Never moving, head spinning
Music pumped in from the speakers
Core of joy around your arm
Heart beats faster
Shaking fingers
The consistent beat of
Flesh hitting pavement
The chase is on
Looking over your shoulder
Lights flashing
Red blue white
Laughing to yourself
Adrenaline, running faster
To the park
They cant follow
Threw the yard
Final stretch
Stopping short
Threw the door
Up against the wall
Barely breathing
The noise and lights go by
Sigh of relief
Home free

[googirl8907]

That font makes it really hard to read. Try putting it back into the regular font.

[lew_1987]

Yep. I'm not going to bother trying to read it.

[Jesse!]

Light shines to the left
You stop,out of breath
Running in slow motion
Never moving, head spinning
Music pumped in from the speakers
Core of joy around your arm
Heart beats faster
Shaking fingers
The consistent beat of
Flesh hitting pavement
The chase is on
Looking over your shoulder
Lights flashing
Red blue white
Laughing to yourself
Adrenaline, running faster
To the park
They cant follow
Threw the yard
Final stretch
Stopping short
Threw the door
Up against the wall
Barely breathing
The noise and lights go by
Sigh of relief
Home free

-------------------------

(copied in normal font for everyone else)

Ok.. 1) interesting/fun subject matter.

I think my biggest complaint is redundancy. I feel like you wrote "I'm being chased" and "I'm running" one too many times in several different ways..

I'll leave it to you to target everything but just as an example, to me... "you stop, out of breath", "running in slow motion", "the consistent beat of flesh hitting the pavement", "the chase is on".. and a bunch more.. they all convey the same point... you've been running from something.

I have issues with a few specific lines... notably:

"never moving, head spinning" - the "never moving" part... I just don't get it? Maybe there's a better way to say what you're trying to say, because you've clearly been moving quite a bit...

"the consistent beat of flesh hitting against pavement" - are you running barefoot? I can't tell what body part is hitting the pavement, I have to assume your feet... though in any case I think that the word "flesh" is vague and also typically indicative of something very different than what I think you're trying to express...

"music pumped in from the speakers" - this was kind of cool, I guess you're listening to headphones? (if not maybe you should tell us where the speakers are)... if you ARE listening to headphones I don't think the word "speakers" is a good choice... anyway, I liked you letting us know you're doing all this while listening to music. Do you actually then hear the "flesh" beating against the pavement or is the music too loud? Furthermore, where did this go? One line and then it was gone.. I would try to express the music's importance more... are your feet landing with each crack of the snare drum? Bring it back somehow, I liked it there... it just didn't really do anything for me with that one line...

The "Core of joy" around your arm... I mean, this seems to me to be the thing you've stolen? Or something you have with you that you are clearly being chased for? I think it's a good idea to leave this thing vague - it isn't important what it is - but I do think there's a more descriptive way to illustrate it which will be less cliched feeling... I can't even begin to imagine what a "core of joy" is. And is it wrapped around your arm? Are you holding it? Is it tied around your neck? (how are you carrying it?)

Anyway, I'll cut it here for now. If you decide to work on it some I'd say you should look at it from the perspective of "are all these things necessary to say?", "does everything here feel genuine"/"is this really what happened and how I felt?" I'd gladly take another look at a fresh draft.

Could be really cool... hope this was helpful at all.

[checkered.stars]

Light shines to the left
You stop,out of breath
Running in slow motion
Never moving, head spinning
Music pumped in from the speakers
Core of joy around your arm
Heart beats faster
Shaking fingers
The consistent beat of
Flesh hitting pavement
The chase is on
Looking over your shoulder
Lights flashing
Red blue white
Laughing to yourself
Adrenaline, running faster
To the park
They cant follow
Threw the yard
Final stretch
Stopping short
Threw the door
Up against the wall
Barely breathing
The noise and lights go by
Sigh of relief
Home free

-------------------------

(copied in normal font for everyone else)

Ok.. 1) interesting/fun subject matter.

I think my biggest complaint is redundancy. I feel like you wrote "I'm being chased" and "I'm running" one too many times in several different ways..

I'll leave it to you to target everything but just as an example, to me... "you stop, out of breath", "running in slow motion", "the consistent beat of flesh hitting the pavement", "the chase is on".. and a bunch more.. they all convey the same point... you've been running from something.

I have issues with a few specific lines... notably:

"never moving, head spinning" - the "never moving" part... I just don't get it? Maybe there's a better way to say what you're trying to say, because you've clearly been moving quite a bit...

"the consistent beat of flesh hitting against pavement" - are you running barefoot? I can't tell what body part is hitting the pavement, I have to assume your feet... though in any case I think that the word "flesh" is vague and also typically indicative of something very different than what I think you're trying to express...

"music pumped in from the speakers" - this was kind of cool, I guess you're listening to headphones? (if not maybe you should tell us where the speakers are)... if you ARE listening to headphones I don't think the word "speakers" is a good choice... anyway, I liked you letting us know you're doing all this while listening to music. Do you actually then hear the "flesh" beating against the pavement or is the music too loud? Furthermore, where did this go? One line and then it was gone.. I would try to express the music's importance more... are your feet landing with each crack of the snare drum? Bring it back somehow, I liked it there... it just didn't really do anything for me with that one line...

The "Core of joy" around your arm... I mean, this seems to me to be the thing you've stolen? Or something you have with you that you are clearly being chased for? I think it's a good idea to leave this thing vague - it isn't important what it is - but I do think there's a more descriptive way to illustrate it which will be less cliched feeling... I can't even begin to imagine what a "core of joy" is. And is it wrapped around your arm? Are you holding it? Is it tied around your neck? (how are you carrying it?)

Anyway, I'll cut it here for now. If you decide to work on it some I'd say you should look at it from the perspective of "are all these things necessary to say?", "does everything here feel genuine"/"is this really what happened and how I felt?" I'd gladly take another look at a fresh draft.

Could be really cool... hope this was helpful at all.
I think you're taking this piece much too literally.

[Jesse!]

I think you're taking this piece much too literally.

Really? You see a metaphor here? I'd love to hear your perspective... and if you think you understand the poem well it might be more helpful for you to offer your critique for the poster, no?

[checkered.stars]

Really? You see a metaphor here? I'd love to hear your perspective... and if you think you understand the poem well it might be more helpful for you to offer your critique for the poster, no?
I didn't mean to offend, sorry I guess. But maybe the whole poem is one big metaphor. :shrug:

[Jesse!]

I didn't mean to offend, sorry I guess. But maybe the whole poem is one big metaphor. :shrug:

I'm not offended - internet does not translate moods well... You could be right, and I could have totally misinterpreted this poem. All I'm saying is, I don't see it.. and not only would I be interested in how you view the poem, but also if you're correct then I think your critique would be way more helpful than mine.

That's all I was getting at. In either case - I think we should probably discontinue flooding this guys poem thread with our back and forth.. If you have anything more to say outside of critiquing the poem feel free to PM me.