Midnight Fire

[brkingthhabit]

This really isn't a poem, just some screwed up stuff i write while i'm bored in school.


black earth, black sky. my whole world crumbles beneath me, as my black soul falls. I'm sucked into a crater of despair, a pit of misery. This cancerous blackness explodes inside my head, and seeps out of my pores, sucking those around me into oblivion and chaos. i lay in the chaos of my own scattered decay i rot in the lonliness, hollow, alone. My insides squirming with the worms of misery. it is my decisions that have led me here. To this charred horizon. Bodies, wreathed in flame, twist and scream about me. they scream of lost prophecies, the coming of the age. The coming of the black prince. they scream their banshee anthems of forgotten lore, dark ones, filled with the black flame. the bedrock of evil. the black night is risen, i'm called home. forward into eternity, backwards into the glow of a midnight fire. i am eternal. the only constant misery in this world of self decay. i am the vampyric light that sucks upon the living, dead, dying. i am the eternal blackness. The stone upon which hell lies.
Brkingthhabit

And i'm not like satanic or something, this was kinda a building stone for a story that i'm writing...

[nards228]

This really isn't a poem, just some screwed up stuff i write while i'm bored in school.


black earth, black sky. my whole world crumbles beneath me, as my black soul falls. I'm sucked into a crater of despair, a pit of misery. This cancerous blackness explodes inside my head, and seeps out of my pores, sucking those around me into oblivion and chaos. i lay in the chaos of my own scattered decay i rot in the lonliness, hollow, alone. My insides squirming with the worms of misery. it is my decisions that have led me here. To this charred horizon. Bodies, wreathed in flame, twist and scream about me. they scream of lost prophecies, the coming of the age. The coming of the black prince. they scream their banshee anthems of forgotten lore, dark ones, filled with the black flame. the bedrock of evil. the black night is risen, i'm called home. forward into eternity, backwards into the glow of a midnight fire. i am eternal. the only constant misery in this world of self decay. i am the vampyric light that sucks upon the living, dead, dying. i am the eternal blackness. The stone upon which hell lies.
Brkingthhabit

And i'm not like satanic or something, this was kinda a building stone for a story that i'm writing...
The main problem with what you write is that it's so over-the-top and cliche that it comes across as funny, and that's not the effect you're going for. You go from rotting insides to the the black flame to vampiric light to the charred horizon. You need to focus on something in particular instead of meandering all over the place.

Melodrama doesn't help you, either. Be subtle in your description, as opposed to overly expressive, and you will find that it is much more effective. For a great example of an extremely gifted writer who wrote somewhat along the same lines as what I see above, check out Edgar Allen Poe, one of the great Romantic writers of all time. (Romantic, right? I think I got his time period right.)



Rennard