Forgetting Thursdays

[TK]

Updated.

What a colorless world,
My day's are nothing but waste of paint
They're merely temporary blotches,
on this canvass called life,
that will fade in time....

Streets of my choice,
Cracking towards the end of the road
Filled with speed bumps and potholes,
They soak in mistakes from past rain.

All of this dirty cement and recycled filler
Only echoes my needless desire...

And like static sounding out the radio,
The neighbors argue through a shut window.
But if the drapes never open
And the knots stay tied shut
True colors never have to show

But for every shut window,
There's an open one
And for every unlocked window,
There's a back door
And for every back door,
There's a front one
It's all just a matter
Of what you'll settle for...

The past is only wasted breath,
So stop talking about it.
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head.

Just listen to the sound out your window
Just listen to the sound out your window...

Horns honking out at streetlights,
Motorists, and vehicles
That are constantly changing,
Second guessing stop signs,
Rear view mirrors and lane changes.
They know they can't get it right

But for every missed exit,
There's a shortcut.
And for every shut window,
There's an unlocked door.
It's all a matter of what you're looking for...

[West49ur]

hey man no expert or anything but i love the artistry you portray in the first stanza. jus my opinion

[TK]

Thanks man.


So I finished it, I tried to write this differently then I usually do. Thoughts?

[bootsydan]

The day is a waste of paint
A temporary blotch
On this permanent canvass
The streets soak in mistakes,
Dirty cement and recycled filler
A needless desire

Immediately didn't like this because 'waste of paint' reminds me heavily of Bright Eyes song 'waste of paint'.

Also didn't like it that much because it's a very one sided argument. For instance 'The streets soak in mistakes'. While some streets may be soaked in mistakes, thats not to say that every street in the world is. And it's not to say every day is a waste of paint.

I think the problem is you haven't personalized it. If you personalize this somehow, then you can say those things - cause it's how it relates to you. But at the moment it comes across as preachy.

Static sounds out the radio
Through a shut window
The drapes never open
With knots tied shut
True colors never show

My favourite of the whole thing. Although I still don't like the way you have avoided personalizing it.

But for every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
For when you search but never find
What you were looking for
Narrow your expectations
And widen the possibilities
Answers can come in wholes
Or scrambled puzzle pieces

Kind of preachy. Like an old man trying to tell some kid he's never met all the secrets of life. But who cares? Why should the kid listen? What makes the old man right?

The past is only wasted breath
A smearing smudge
A blocking view
Between the old and new
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head

See above.

Horns honk out at streetlights
Motorists and vehicles
That are constantly changing
Second guessing stop signs
Rear view mirrors and lane changes
They can't ever get it right

Written pretty good. But again - very one sided.

But for every missed exit
Comes a shortcut
For every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
It's all a matter of what you're looking for

Not a bad way to end - but again - I would like this whole thing to be personalized.

[amo.]

title reminded me of remembering sunday. :shrug:

[TK]

The day is a waste of paint
A temporary blotch
On this permanent canvass
The streets soak in mistakes,
Dirty cement and recycled filler
A needless desire

Immediately didn't like this because 'waste of paint' reminds me heavily of Bright Eyes song 'waste of paint'.

Also didn't like it that much because it's a very one sided argument. For instance 'The streets soak in mistakes'. While some streets may be soaked in mistakes, thats not to say that every street in the world is. And it's not to say every day is a waste of paint.

I think the problem is you haven't personalized it. If you personalize this somehow, then you can say those things - cause it's how it relates to you. But at the moment it comes across as preachy.

Static sounds out the radio
Through a shut window
The drapes never open
With knots tied shut
True colors never show

My favourite of the whole thing. Although I still don't like the way you have avoided personalizing it.

But for every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
For when you search but never find
What you were looking for
Narrow your expectations
And widen the possibilities
Answers can come in wholes
Or scrambled puzzle pieces

Kind of preachy. Like an old man trying to tell some kid he's never met all the secrets of life. But who cares? Why should the kid listen? What makes the old man right?

The past is only wasted breath
A smearing smudge
A blocking view
Between the old and new
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head

See above.

Horns honk out at streetlights
Motorists and vehicles
That are constantly changing
Second guessing stop signs
Rear view mirrors and lane changes
They can't ever get it right

Written pretty good. But again - very one sided.

But for every missed exit
Comes a shortcut
For every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
It's all a matter of what you're looking for

Not a bad way to end - but again - I would like this whole thing to be personalized.

I understand your dislike about it being preachy and unpersonalized. I was trying to go for something new, and I guess I didn't pull it off. I might try to make a personalize version of it sometime.

Thanks for commenting Tim.

[TK]

title reminded me of remembering sunday.:shrug:

Never heard of it, but it's Forgetting Thursdays, so you can still remember sundays:shrug:

[lew_1987]

I think this piece moved on well from where it began, whilst still referring back to itself and the sentiments at different parts. Overall it wasn't bad, man.

[TK]

Thanks for commenting Lew.

[OveriseFan]

This is all too fragmented for my taste. It's like you don't give a shit about the grammar (as evidenced by your lack of punctuation entirely, which I don't think was a literary technique) and are just throwing out thoughts that you had, and try to make them sound poetic. It comes off as incohesive at times, and makes me wanting more, something solid.

You jump from line to line in fragments, and it leaves the reader confused, because there's no proper sentence structure, really.

However, the last stanza you could use:


But for every missed exit,
Comes a shortcut.
For every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.
It's all a matter of what you're looking for.

[TK]

This is all too fragmented for my taste. It's like you don't give a shit about the grammar (as evidenced by your lack of punctuation entirely, which I don't think was a literary technique) and are just throwing out thoughts that you had, and try to make them sound poetic. It comes off as incohesive at times, and makes me wanting more, something solid.

You jump from line to line in fragments, and it leaves the reader confused, because there's no proper sentence structure, really.

However, the last stanza you could use:


But for every missed exit,
Comes a shortcut.
For every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.
It's all a matter of what you're looking for.

Eh, I wanted to try something new. I guess I've failed by the overall dislike of it.
I somewhat fixed the sentence structure. I'm also right now writing a personalize version of this now, which I hope to post by the end of the week. So, everything aside, do you think this is something worth keeping?

[OveriseFan]

With a complete overhaul, yes.

Haha.

[TK]

Haha, I might just scrap this then. I experimented and failed, I'm not sure I'll waste more time on it.

[lew_1987]

I don't think you should scrap it.

[OveriseFan]

I didn't say scrap it. I just mean fix it. You know what needs to be fixed, then you have a very nice piece. It's got some decent ideas, the fragments just made it extremely painful to read at times, for me. It was very amateur.

[Judge'sDaughter]

Reading this made me bored. Your writing is vivid and you use plenty of details, but maybe the details you use are just a bit too cliche.

[TK]

I don't think you should scrap it.

Thanks. I'll post a different version of this sometime this week.

I didn't say scrap it. I just mean fix it. You know what needs to be fixed, then you have a very nice piece. It's got some decent ideas, the fragments just made it extremely painful to read at times, for me. It was very amateur.

Oh, I misunderstood you. Like I said, I'll end up writing a different version of this sometime this week. Ha, and thanks for finally critiquing a piece of mine James.

[TK]

Reading this made me bored. Your writing is vivid and you use plenty of details, but maybe the details you use are just a bit too cliche.

Hmm, I can see how this can come off as boring, but what parts did you think were cliche? Any specific stuff, or was it just in general?

[swt_catastrophe]

The day is a waste of paint
A temporary blotch
On this permanent canvass
The streets soak in mistakes,
Dirty cement and recycled filler
A needless desire

Immediately didn't like this because 'waste of paint' reminds me heavily of Bright Eyes song 'waste of paint'.

actually, i thought of that song, too.

Static sounds out the radio
Through a shut window
The drapes never open
With knots tied shut
True colors never show

But for every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
For when you search but never find
What you were looking for
Narrow your expectations
And widen the possibilities
Answers can come in wholes
Or scrambled puzzle pieces

The past is only wasted breath
A smearing smudge
A blocking view
Between the old and new
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head

Horns honk out at streetlights
Motorists and vehicles
That are constantly changing
Second guessing stop signs
Rear view mirrors and lane changes
They can't ever get it right

i have to say, i love this stanza.
especially the part about "second guessing stop signs".

But for every missed exit
Comes a shortcut
For every shut window
Comes an unlocked door
It's all a matter of what you're looking for


i do think it needs some work.
that being said, i liked the overall feel to it,
but for me, the paint analogy is just not working.
very positive, though.

[ArTkY_]

I haven't read it yet, but I still don't think him being called out for a lack of punctuation in his poetry is entirely necessary. Free verse is nearly rule-free.

[chaosB4storm]

The day is a waste of paint,
A temporary blotch,
On this permanent canvass.
The streets soak in mistakes,
Dirty cement, and recycled filler.
A needless desire.

I find this first verse difficult to enjoy for a couple reasons. The metaphor isn't uniform throughout, like I'm trying to figure out if the mistakes are the paint, and is the cement is dirty because of the mistakes, and why is it only temporary? It is altogether confusing to me, and that takes the pleasure away from reading it.

Static sounds out the radio
Through a shut window.
The drapes never open,
With knots tied shut.
True colors never show.

This redeems the first stanza a little bit. I like the mention of "true colors" after describing how paint (the mistakes) was covering everything up. This stanza also keeps with the sort of "neighborhood theme" your poem seems to have, and gives the poem some colour.

But for every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.

These two lines really bothered me because the two items seem unrelated, yet you are describing a causal connection between them. It isn't believable.

For when you search but never find
What you were looking for.
Narrow your expectations,
And widen the possibilities.
Answers can come in wholes,
Or scrambled puzzle pieces.

This is alright, but it sounds like something my kindergarten teacher would tell me to inspire me to read my picture book. It just seems childish, which would be ok, but the rest of the poem doesn't have the same childish vibe, so this seems out of place.

The past is only wasted breath,
A smearing smudge,
A blocking view
Between the old and new.

I'm not sure if this works for me. You are sying the past blocks the view between new and old, which is kind of true, but the past IS the old, so it's kind of awkward. It does, however, flow well and sound good if you don't overthink it. So I guess it does work for me.

Sometimes it just helps,
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure,
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head.

Absolutely inspiring. These five lines are the reason I am critiquing this piece. I genuinely love what this stanza is saying. It helps to forget to breathe....great stuff.

Horns honk out at streetlights,
Motorists, and vehicles
That are constantly changing,
Second guessing stop signs,
Rear view mirrors, and lane changes.
They can't ever get it right.

Contributes well to the imagery and mood. Not every stanza has to be a masterpiece, and this is a good example of how a seemingly mediocre verse can keep the poem alive.

But for every missed exit,
Comes a shortcut.
For every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.
It's all a matter of what you're looking for.

Great flow and great ending. This poem starts off shaky, and it almost seems like you didn't write it in the order it appears. My advice would be to OVERTHINK what you're saying; you're a smart guy, if it doesn't make sense, don't use it. Even if it takes a hell of a lot of thought to realise that it doesn't make perfect sense, it's not worth it to see people like me notice the little things. That was just my opinion though, it all might make perfect sense to you. Also, you might want to add some flow, alliterations, and assonances to your poems to make them more pleasing to the ears. Overall though, well done. Don't even think about scrapping it; if nothing else, at least learn from it.

[OveriseFan]

I haven't read it yet, but I still don't think him being called out for a lack of punctuation in his poetry is entirely necessary. Free verse is nearly rule-free.

Read the poem and you'll understand, fool.

I didn't criticize him because he didn't use it intentionally, it's just clear that there's too many fragments that wasn't even intentional for the "feel" of the poem. Clearly he agrees with me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's rule-free, but that doesn't mean that if you didn't misspell a word intentionally, you should leave it misspelled. ;-)

[lew_1987]

This was better, but I thought this section needs more re-working:

The past is only wasted breath,
So stop talking about it.
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head.

I thought the second line really didn't work, but I liked the last 4 lines.

[ArTkY_]

I feel like this piece gets caught up in it's own dramatics, and it seems very fragmented, even with edits.

[lew_1987]

I feel like this piece gets caught up in it's own dramatics, and it seems very fragmented, even with edits.

A second avatar change!? The cosmos is out of sync now. WELL DONE TARIQ!

[TK]

i do think it needs some work.
that being said, i liked the overall feel to it,
but for me, the paint analogy is just not working.
very positive, though.

Not too many things I've written has had a positive feel, even this one I didn't mean for it to be all that positive. Yeah, most people didn't like it either.

Thanks for the commenting.

The day is a waste of paint,
A temporary blotch,
On this permanent canvass.
The streets soak in mistakes,
Dirty cement, and recycled filler.
A needless desire.

I find this first verse difficult to enjoy for a couple reasons. The metaphor isn't uniform throughout, like I'm trying to figure out if the mistakes are the paint, and is the cement is dirty because of the mistakes, and why is it only temporary? It is altogether confusing to me, and that takes the pleasure away from reading it.

Static sounds out the radio
Through a shut window.
The drapes never open,
With knots tied shut.
True colors never show.

This redeems the first stanza a little bit. I like the mention of "true colors" after describing how paint (the mistakes) was covering everything up. This stanza also keeps with the sort of "neighborhood theme" your poem seems to have, and gives the poem some colour.

But for every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.

These two lines really bothered me because the two items seem unrelated, yet you are describing a causal connection between them. It isn't believable.

For when you search but never find
What you were looking for.
Narrow your expectations,
And widen the possibilities.
Answers can come in wholes,
Or scrambled puzzle pieces.

This is alright, but it sounds like something my kindergarten teacher would tell me to inspire me to read my picture book. It just seems childish, which would be ok, but the rest of the poem doesn't have the same childish vibe, so this seems out of place.

The past is only wasted breath,
A smearing smudge,
A blocking view
Between the old and new.

I'm not sure if this works for me. You are sying the past blocks the view between new and old, which is kind of true, but the past IS the old, so it's kind of awkward. It does, however, flow well and sound good if you don't overthink it. So I guess it does work for me.

Sometimes it just helps,
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure,
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head.

Absolutely inspiring. These five lines are the reason I am critiquing this piece. I genuinely love what this stanza is saying. It helps to forget to breathe....great stuff.

Horns honk out at streetlights,
Motorists, and vehicles
That are constantly changing,
Second guessing stop signs,
Rear view mirrors, and lane changes.
They can't ever get it right.

Contributes well to the imagery and mood. Not every stanza has to be a masterpiece, and this is a good example of how a seemingly mediocre verse can keep the poem alive.

But for every missed exit,
Comes a shortcut.
For every shut window,
Comes an unlocked door.
It's all a matter of what you're looking for.

Great flow and great ending. This poem starts off shaky, and it almost seems like you didn't write it in the order it appears. My advice would be to OVERTHINK what you're saying; you're a smart guy, if it doesn't make sense, don't use it. Even if it takes a hell of a lot of thought to realise that it doesn't make perfect sense, it's not worth it to see people like me notice the little things. That was just my opinion though, it all might make perfect sense to you. Also, you might want to add some flow, alliterations, and assonances to your poems to make them more pleasing to the ears. Overall though, well done. Don't even think about scrapping it; if nothing else, at least learn from it.

Thanks man for taking the time to leave such long feedback. I really do appreciate it. And haha, I could understand it perfectly, but I guess that's just because I wrote it. Hopefully the changes I've made has made my meaning more clear.
As for alliterations and assonances, I'm horrible at them. If any is in any of my work, it's be chance.

Thanks again.

This was better, but I thought this section needs more re-working:

The past is only wasted breath,
So stop talking about it.
Sometimes it just helps
If you forget to breathe
And relieve some of that pressure
Clogging up your chest
And shaking up your head.

I thought the second line really didn't work, but I liked the last 4 lines.

Yeah, I think if I reworded it, it would be better for the flow. Thanks again Lew for commenting on this.

I feel like this piece gets caught up in it's own dramatics, and it seems very fragmented, even with edits.

Hmm, fair enough. I'm still learning, so hopefully the next thing I write is more cohesive. Thanks for the feedback Tariq.

A second avatar change!? The cosmos is out of sync now. WELL DONE TARIQ!

I miss his old avatar:shrug:

[ArTkY_]

A second avatar change!? The cosmos is out of sync now. WELL DONE TARIQ!
LET ME LIVE MY OWN LIFE!