Losing Numbers (A Poem)

[Mitch]

A street lamp in the haze
Hard to know, the bright and dark both of this day
The fog won't move so it blinds the trees
And what we used to call a breeze
Is now nothing more than when the mist decides to leave.

The carousel refuses to continue its spinning
And the mirror tries to do the same;
It stares itself away but can't stop reflecting
Despite the one who stares from that golden-laced horse
Wishing it blind and pointing down north
Wasting all her cares on what the 'pretty ones' all share

I heard the echoes of your silence again,
Because my head's in a pillow as you're crying in my ear
You say that it's you so I must not know you.
True, she said, it's true but oh so not true
Rotting away is the surface of your veneer.

Numbers and bones and sick twisted men
"Plump up and you're out," missed and mistaken
Baby I've got some news I think you'd love to hear
Your vision's finally here, you are what you wanted
Not but two digits and your personal skeleton, your own self haunted.


Not very good, but I'd like to see what you guys think anyway--maybe some of you will happen to enjoy it.

I think the last stanza makes it fairly clear what it's about.

[lew_1987]

I like how you first talked about objects and appearances, and then related it to your own situation and another person ('you'). It worked in that way, rather than just doing one or the other. Sometimes people can just throw in sporadic references to people in their writing when it doesn't really seem to fit. This wasn't the case here though. Good work.

[supadupa003]

I felt this was pretty solid, but a little hit-or-miss for me. For me, the second and last stanza are the strongest of the bunch while the first is the weakest for me. And the only reason for that is just word choice and flow. The second through fourth sound a lot more connected to me than the first for some reason. All in all, though, this is good and has a lot of potential to be even better.

[Mitch]

Thanks for the feedback guys :-).