Without Me (can i have some feedback please???)

[TomOConnor]

this is just something i've been working on. wanted to know what everyone thinks


"Without Me"
stay awake, it's alright
cuz no one should ever have to go to bed
without hearing goodnight
if your head, it feels heavy
your hearbeat unsteady
i would write all these letters if it made it feel better
just don't you fall asleep without me

as if we're strangers in danger
of our pasts to our future
and the lives that we live
as such vulnerable creatures
just wake up wake up now
it's time to move on
hold your head up higher now
sing another song
just do one single thing for me

open your eyes
look alive, and dont be oh so shy
i've been awake all night
re-writing lines that won't sound like lies
cuz i bet you've had enough of that in your life

[thespearkid]

First things first; please use correct spelling and caps when you post writing. It annoys me to see poetry written in AIMglish.

stay awake, it's alright
cuz no one should ever have to go to bed
without hearing goodnight
if your head, it feels heavy
your hearbeat unsteady
i would write all these letters if it made it feel better
just don't you fall asleep without me
(I like the second and third line and how they play off the first. On the fourth line, I probably wouldn't use "it" and I'd add a comma between "heartbeat" and "unsteady".)

as if we're strangers in danger
of our pasts to our future
and the lives that we live
as such vulnerable creatures
just wake up wake up now
it's time to move on
hold your head up higher now
sing another song
just do one single thing for me
(Again, I find myself fond of the way you use little unexpected rhymes here and there. Try doing this with alliteration as well.)

open your eyes
look alive, and dont be oh so shy
i've been awake all night
re-writing lines that won't sound like lies
cuz i bet you've had enough of that in your life
(Sort of random end, structure wise. The "surprise rhymes" thing I enjoyed in the first two stanzas is actually kind of annoying in this last one. You overdid it just a little bit, rhyming eyes, alive, shy, i've, night, write, lines, lies, i, and life.)

Overall, I've gotta say that it's not bad at all. Just fix the caps, aim speak, commas, etc. and don't be afraid to give it a little more of a structure. Also, I really liked your creative way of dropping rhymes surprisingly every now and then but don't overdo it. Good job. I give it a -B.

[lew_1987]

The 'heavy' and 'unsteady' rhyme worked quite well. Didn't seem forced. I also agree with making the spelling and grammar better.